Thursday.

Sitting in the coffee shop. The vibe in my world today is very “Now What?”

Now what, indeed.

Okay, I’ve been gone for exactly one year now. I gone on a crazy adventure and spent most of my money. I do have the makings for a decent book manuscript, but no real job or career prospects. Yeah, it’s definitely a “Now what?” Type of situation for sure.

I admit that I am very disappointed in myself about yesterday, but there’s nothing to be done about it now. It’s like Belfast, okay? One moment everything seems fine, the next minute it’s engulfed in flames. Welcome to my life.

In my epic levels of frustration, I ripped up one of the paper copies of my resume I got from the print shop the other day and threw the pieces into my offering bowl to Ganesha. I feel like that’s a pretty universal symbol for “Please help me sort this out because it’s a fucking mess and a half.”

Looking back on where I was a year ago, I feel like an idiot now. I really thought I was just going to move to HK, keep dating my long-distance boyfriend until we got married, and then move to some other random country together. That did not happen. Instead I went to Thailand and Bali and Malaysia and Macao. I banged a bunch of random guys from all over the world and did a second YTTC and wrote a bunch of short stories about the crazy expats I met in Bangkok and HK.

Now what? Now what?

How am I going to survive? How am I going to pay rent? How am I going to get healthcare? I can’t do anything! Well, I can, I just hate it. I hate working jobs that require me to be social and smiley. I can’t do it. It will break me down every time. Even now I get anxiety just from thinking about walking into a room full of children and trying to teach them vocabulary words. I’m really not great at it. I know the bar is set really low over here and I’ve met some real idiots that can somehow do it, but I can’t. It’s just not for me.

I just don’t know what is for me.

Nothing is for me, apparently. I can’t even get one of these “Housewife who does Pilates and Brunch” gigs. You literally do not even need a brain to get that job and yet I still can’t even get that. Bare minimum! Ridiculous.

I feel very useless to society right now. I have no plan at all anymore whatsoever. Every time I try to make a plan, it all blows up in my face. It just does not come naturally to be “normal.” But going with the flow also doesn’t seem to work. I just end up stagnating. Nothing ever really changes for me except the scenery.

I feel like I don’t know who I am. What am I doing? Why am I here? Why do I have absolutely no purpose?

I have no idea. All I know right now is that I’m on the train and the train is going somewhere. I have no idea where the train is going. It’s a surprise. I can try to steer the train, but it’s just going to take me off-track. So I’ll just wait for it to stop and see where I land.

Definitely feeling really depressed today. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. But I don’t. People just try to “fix” it and I wish they would stop. It cannot be fixed, okay? Stop trying to fix it. Just let it hang in the air for a moment and let it be what it is. Then perhaps a solution will present itself on its own. The last thing I need or want at this point is another fucking lecture. What if… and this is a very radical idea, I know… what if we just went out to a party and forgot about it for a night and just had fun?

Wow! Radical! I know!

I need a fun friend. I don’t have any fun friends. They’re always working. I need to rope in one of these hot guys in his 40’s who has all the money but none of the fun. Then we can just have fun spending his money together! True love! Yay!

No plan for today. Maybe just go out for a walk around Hong Kong and let the universe dump something exciting on me randomly? Right, because that always ends so well for me!

Sad. Disappointing and sad.

Who am I? What am I doing? Why can’t I just get my shit together? Who knows?