Meanwhile, in a small town in the middle of nowhere…
Our scene opens with a wide shot of a basketball arena with a crowd split into two: Red vs Blue. The game has reached its midpoint. It’s time for the big halftime show. Turns out the Marching Band was already booked to march in the Mardi Gras parades, so the staff had to improvise. Little do they know, a local writer has plans of her own.
ANNOUNCER: And now, everyone please welcome to the center of the court, our Very Important Person, Mr. Levi Gene! We are honoring his long-time service to the athletic community with a very special event today!
AUDIENCE: YAYYYYY!!!
LEVI GENE walks out onto the court with his shiny, slicked back hair sparkling in the artificial spotlight. He waves at the audience like a beauty queen and soaks up the illusion of mass admiration in the way only former/current athletes can.
Suddenly, the sound of record scratching echos through the arena and the lights go dark. “Check Yo’ Self” by Ice Cube plays over the speakers. Engines rev as three vespas roll out onto the court. MARLEY THE MASCOT leads the way, followed by two INTERNS dressed as clowns. The INTERNS retrieve a stack of pies from the front baskets and follow MARLEY up to LEVI. LEVI laughs and plays along with the show until he looks around and realizes… something isn’t right. MARLEY isn’t as tall as he’s supposed to be. In fact, he’s actually very short. Too short.
That’s when he takes off his mask and reveals himself to be none other than BETSEY HORTON, WRITER EXTRAORDINAIRE! Or as LEVI knows her personally… LIZ. LEVI’s face promptly melts off.
LIZ steps out of the mascot costume. She is dressed in a sparkly red dress with a pair of little devil horns crowning her bleach-blonde hair. She smiles at LEVI mischievously and gives him a little wink. He returns the look with a stone cold glare. She sticks her tongue out at him as an INTERN hands her a mic.
LIZ: Hello, everybody! We have a very special halftime show for you today! Get ready to be entertained like you’ve never been entertained ever before in your entire lives!
LEVI: Wait a minute, I didn’t consent to this.
LIZ: Oh, but you did, when we were in your office. Remember? I told you I was a writer who used material from my real life in my stories. You clearly weren’t listening to me. Next time, maybe you should pay more attention to who you’re fucking. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “stick your dick in crazy.”
LEVI: You said you would keep it a secret!
LIZ: Hmm, did I say that? Or did you say that while making out with me in the middle of an empty arena where any random passerby could have seen? Look, you may not have consented to becoming fodder for my stories, but I didn’t consent to be used and thrown away like last week’s trash. Especially so you could continue cheating on your wife by hitting on girls who are even younger than I am!
LEVI: I told you! I’m not-
LIZ: Save it for the judge, Levi. We’ve all seen you getting wasted at Logjammer’s and hitting on the bartenders. You did it right in front of me at the Hottest Night Club in Town! On multiple occasions! We’re tabling this conversation for today. We have a show to put on. Now you know why you’re really here, so get ready for a pie to the face!
LEVI: I’m getting a pie to the face?
LIZ: That’s right! And guess what! We have an even bigger surprise! You’re not just getting one pie to the face! You’re getting three!
LEVI: What?
LIZ: That’s right! HE’S GETTING THREE PIES TO THE FACE TODAY!
AUDIENCE: YAYYYYYYYYY!
LIZ: And for each pie he takes to the face, the University will make a donation to support services and resources for survivors of sexual assault, abusive relationships, and domestic violence. We believe and support survivors of all identities on the gender-sexuality spectrum. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you’ve been in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. Help is available to you today!
AUDIENCE: YAYYYYY!
LIZ: And now for our wonderful show to finally begin! Everyone please welcome to the Court, the Former Mrs. Gene!
The spotlight shines on the entrance to reveal LEVI’s first wife caught up in a flirtatious conversation with someone off-screen. When she finally realizes the spotlight is on her, she immediately straightens up and fixes her hair. She walks onto the court nonchalantly, waves at the crowd, and takes one of the pies from the interns.
MS. GENE sighs with total indifference as she steps up to the plate. She promptly puts the pie in LEVI’s face as if it were a job, just like any other normal day at the office. She takes a stack of towels from the intern and hands LEVI one politely.
MS. GENE: Don’t forget to pick the kids up after school on Friday.
LEVI: [wiping face off] Got it.
MS. GENE turns and waves at the crowd as she walks off the court. LEVI turns back to LIZ.
LEVI: That wasn’t so bad.
LIZ: I agree, you did get off pretty easy on that one. But just wait, there’s more! Everybody please welcome to the arena, Levi’s current and second wife, Miranda!
LEVI suddenly feels a tap on his shoulder. He spins around to see his wife standing in the spotlight. She is holding what appears to be a very thick dossier and has a scowl on her face.
MIRANDA: Hello, Levi. Would you mind explaining to me why this woman is sending me screenshots of your dick pics on Snapchat?
LEVI: Uhhh…
MIRANDA: I can’t believe you fucked another woman in our house and I have to find out like THIS! This is humiliating! We are so over! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
Before LEVI can respond, MIRANDA takes one of the pies and smashes it in his face. Then she throws the dossier at him, storms off the court, and buys a one-way ticket to Florida, never to be seen or heard from ever again. LEVI wipes the pie off his face with his sleeve, picks up the dossier, and turns to face LIZ.
LEVI: You. YOU! YOUUUUUU B-
LIZ: [starts singing over him loudly] Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi! Yes, it was Meeeeeee! It was meeeeee all along!I saw you for the scumbag you are. That’s why I documented everything you said and did while you were cheating with me and sent it to her! And now it’s my turn to put a pie in your face! Why? Because I am so tired of being messed with by men like you! I am a human being, not a mindless, soulless body you can just use as a sex toy whenever you want and then just throw away! I did not consent to being treated like a sex worker! Next time just order one up online and you can avoid allllllll this trouble. You want discretion?! Well, guess what, buddy? That shit costs money! Seems more like you wanted to get caught!
LIZ takes the last pie as one of the interns sets up a step-ladder in front of LEVI. LIZ climbs it so she can be eye-level with him before planting the pie in his face. The crowd goes wild! This is the best show they’ve ever seen!
LIZ: Thank god for Mardi Gras, y’all! Yee haw! Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today, folks! Thanks again for watching my first big scripted halftime event! Now… ladies and gents, can you please take your seats and we hope that you enjoyed the showwwwwwww!
The lights go dark and the cheers of the crowd fade into silence. The scene cuts to LEVI sitting up in bed, screaming in horror at the nightmare he just had. He looks around the room and at the empty space in the bed beside him. He gets up and wanders through the halls of the custom McMansion. His footsteps echo through the entire house, reminding him just how alone he really is. Luckily, it was all just a dream.
LIZ walks into the kitchen and notices the same dossier from the dream sitting on the counter in front of him. Sitting on top of it is an envelope addressed to him. His eyes widen in horror. He runs back to his room only to discover half the closet and drawers have been emptied out. All of her stuff is gone. She took everything. Even the Eggo waffles.
Just as the truth is dawning on him, LEVI hears the sound of his phone go off. His stomach drops as he sees a link to BETSEYHORTON.COM flash across his screen. That’s when he realized… the real story is only just about to begin…