BLOG: Thank You, Fab Five!

Monday Morning. Balcony time. Back on a regular sleep schedule. Up early every day, going to bed early every night. Back on my Duolingo streak. It’s really important to have that daily sense of achievement in my life. It’s a small way of setting goals and taking pride in my progress over time. I mean, yesterday I watched a TV show in Brazilian Portuguese and understood about half of it. That’s so wild to me. A year and a half ago, I did not speak a word of Portuguese. One day I just decided on a whim to start learning it. Now, here I am, watching Netflix Brazil on a regular basis. Wild.

I decided to give myself a break after last week’s disaster to refocus. I put on “Get Organized with The Home Edit” to motivate myself and spent the next two rainy days reorganizing my closet and office. I had to take a break over the weekend because it was a lot, but I just have one basket of laundry to fold and a bunch of pens to test and I’ll be done. Finally, my room is starting to resemble an actual work space instead of a crash pad. Personally, I find the organizing does wonders for my anxiety. It really helped me settle down my emotions and focus on something productive. Now I have a nice, organized, clean space I can work in and feel good about. It’s all about small goals with measurable results. Also, therapy comes in more than one form and we as a society should really start embracing that.

After watching The Home Edit twice, I decided to go on a “Queer Eye” binge. Many tears and smiles and laughs and uplifting moments later, I am transformed once again. I thought to myself, “This is exactly what I need. A team of highly-trained professionals to just come in here, take control of the situation, and give me makeover. Re-do my CV, help me get connected with the right people, show me that I can live a happy life and care for myself and give back to others. They’re kind, non-judgmental, empathetic, and understanding. Amazing. This is exactly the kind of inspiration I’m looking for. Thank you, Fab Five! You’ve changed my life!”

I was so inspired, I even put together a special chicken and veggie pasta dish with my brother’s help. I picked out all the ingredients and he showed me how to cook the meat and veggies. I added herbs from my garden and lots of Creole spice. It’s so delicious. I just know Antoni would be proud. I really took what he said about turning cooking into a self-care routine to heart. It really does feel good to create something delicious, healthy, and nourishing. Again, Thank You Fab Five! I am officially #Obsessed!

Obviously, the TV show I was referring to in my first post was “Queer Eye: Brazil,” which is somehow even more emotional than the American version. I loved both equally, though. I can definitely say I’m walking away from this weekend binge-watching experience with a sense of refreshment and renewal, a feeling of universal love and inspiration, and the motivation to make the positive changes I want in my life. I also have a much more positive view of men. Not all men, obviously, but some of them are okay. It’s always nice to know there are good people in the world. I’ve clearly spent too much time around the wrong people. Now TV is my way of spending time around the right people.

This morning I woke up and felt good again. I did not go out this weekend and attempt to solve my problems by getting trashed. Instead, I refocused that energy into positive, constructive activities that gave me a sense of power and control over my own life. I learned I can be myself and care for myself and live a happy life. I also recognize that what happened last week happened because I was not in touch with myself. I was not honoring my true intentions and desires. I tried to force myself into environments I knew were not right for me, so my body revolted against me by shutting down. Now I understand why this happens to me, so moving forward, I need to honor my true self and only explore potential opportunities that align with my creative spirit.

I’m now inspired to write a script of an episode of this TV show. Also, just to write a few random scripts of reality TV shows in general. Like, one for Queer Eye, The Home Edit, House Hunters International, etc and just make a little portfolio showing I can write formulaic, episodic TV. Why not? Why not become a freelance TV writer and share my expert analysis with the world? Why not do a whole blog focused on self-care and positivity and doing the things you love for you? Why don’t I do these things? There’s no one here to stop me now.

And let’s be real. I am NOT a failure as a writer. I just really haven’t given myself a chance because I’ve been too caught up in emotions and drama and surrounded by the completely wrong people. But let’s really sit down and examine my writing career. Star Wars fanfic era? Success. College Newspaper Column? Controversial, maybe, back in the day, anyway, but safe to say it was a big Success. Website? Success. Bloody Mary’s? Nuclear Success. So, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I was admitted into the Paris Writing Workshop, I received a scholarship to attend to Desert Nights, Rising Stars Writing Conference during Covid, I got retweeted 100x by writing-affiliated organizations. I can totally do this. I just need to honor myself and share my creative spirit with the world.

My time to shine is now! It’s my turn to be happy! I can live the life I want to live. There’s no one there to stop me or hold me back now! Thank you, Fab Five, American and Brazilian, for showing me how to change my life. You really are “Os Cincos Santos” (The Five Saints). Thank you for bringing some much-needed love and positivity to this dark, cold, cruel, indifferent universe. I feel more sparkly and fabulous already.

Off to finish my organization projects and maybe write something?! Exciting! More of this vibe, please and thank you.

Have a good day, ya’ll!

BLOG: Bad Week

Here we are, wherever that is. Some days I wake up and I’m like, “Where am I?” I don’t know anymore.

Definitely had a terrible week. Three panic attacks, several full-blown meltdowns, and two dropped jobs later, here I am back on my balcony staring at a blank page. The good news is: I re-started my Portuguese lessons this morning after a two month break. Turns out there is such a thing as cramming too much! Luckily, everything sounds much clearer this time around, so it’s great to see the intensive short course I took on pronunciation was helpful.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, that’s a lot.” I agree, it is a lot. That’s normal for me. Welcome to being in my brain all the time. I challenge anyone who thinks it can just magically be controlled to spend a day walking in my fabulous shoes. You will find out it is not so easy. Luckily, there’s peace to be found in gardening and TV show binges and yoga and magical herbal teas and steaming hot bubble baths. If only my med card application would go through. I might be able to spend a day relaxed and calm and not freaking out over something, and, ya know, maybe actually function. Alas. I live… here. And here is a place where people have no empathy. I learned that the hard way. It is what it is.

Anyway, I’m definitely trying. I don’t know what else to say at this point. Therapy is very expensive. I’ve been rejected from unemployment and medicare. I can’t keep a job or stay stable for a day. I have no money. I have no safety net. My family is broken and abusive. Friends? What friends? Hey, at least my brother is here, but it’s kind of unfair to him to be the only one dealing with it. I don’t know what to do right now. I’m just here, writing in my diary, screaming into the void, while a bunch of assholes look on and mock every single thing I say and do. After all, all of this is funny. My life is a joke. I’m just a crazy bitch everyone hates. I’m just saying and doing all of this for attention. I just need to stop playing the victim and get over it. Just turn off all those emotions. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, I heard you a million times. Your advice is impractical, useless, and neither specific nor actionable in any way, shape, or form. So just shut the fuck up already!

Yeah, so here I am with my notebook. At least I have that. I have a roof over my head, for now. How long before someone comes in screaming at me with more threats to take it away? No idea. Anyway, yeah, at least I can speak four languages, am I right? Right.

I have nothing else to say right. Just that I’m going through a really hard time and it really sucks not having a support system. It sucks being surrounded by judgmental, unempathetic bullies. It sucks. Everything sucks. But hey, it’s all my fault for having emotions and writing about them? Right? Next time just shut up and people will like you! Oh wait, you already tried that and that didn’t work either because people just changed it to “she’s stuck-up and rude” instead of “she’s loud and annoying.” Wow, it’s like I can’t win whatever I do so I’m just gonna be me. Y’all can filter yourselves out. I don’t care anymore.

Writing wise… ugh. It’s just one emotional dump session after another. I can’t do anything without my insanely intense emotions getting in the way. It’s ruining my life! And I can’t get help no matter what I do! HAHA! The one observation I can make is that Andrew is not the problem he was before. Before, he was the one getting in the way whenever I tried to write. So I finally gave in and let him have another book, and his character seems to be placated by that. He’s very much changed his tune from “Me, Me, Me” to “Okay, you can work on your little lifestyle blog thingy now. I got mine.” Guess I should have done that sooner, but… well… can you really blame me for not wanting to give him a second chance after what happened before? Still not planning to publish it or show it to anyone ever. It’s just good I wrote it, I guess. And that right there is why I don’t believe in pushing down emotions. It doesn’t work. They just manifest in another, usually much uglier way.

Blog-wise… I don’t know. I realized I use writing to channel all my emotional energy, so it’s been hard to disconnect from that and just write articles about the Top 5 Best Bath Bombs to Soothe Epic Meltdowns. How do I find a style that balances humor and wit with practical, useful information. I don’t know. I’m in a very confusing place in life right now.

Well, I can say that I’ve learned I can, in fact, get a job (actually 2), so I don’t need to stress over that process anymore. I just need to find the right job. Clearly customer service is totally wrong for me in every single way. That’s probably why I’m having panic attacks at the thought of doing it. Even though I know this about myself, I still keep trying to do it anyway. I don’t know why. Because Insanity, obviously. So just… steer all my energy away from this idea of “Take whatever job you can just for the paycheck” because that isn’t working for me. Just find something that will be a good fit. Give myself a chance to actually be happy and enjoy life for once. I think I just have no idea what that looks like because it never happens for me. I’ve tried so many things and failed and I just keep ending up in the same place, so of course it’s going to be hard to imagine something working out. I always hope it works out. I always walk in with a positive attitude. It’s the reaction I get from other people that puts me off.

This is why I hate it when people try to say I’m “blaming others for my problems.” I mean, no. I quit my last job because my co-workers were literally cyber-bullying me. I have all the screenshots. It was crazy! That has nothing to do with me. I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t deserve that. I busted my ass at that job. THEY chose to gang up on and target me, like they ganged up on four other people before me. That’s not me. That’s sick people who bully others out of insecurity. I don’t actually have to put up with that kind of crap. I deserve a safe space too. I deserve to go to work, make money, and go home. I don’t want to deal with that drama, and I don’t have to.

In short, I want to be happy, but I don’t know how. Everything I’m trying is failing. I feel very alone. I’m just… blah. The End!