Tag: China

BLOG: The Great Mystery

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Thursday.

Today is The Day That Doesn’t Exist, aka May 35th. I can’t actually write about it, so you will just have to look it up. This is an example of what people actually mean when they talk about censorship in China. That rule is for Big Important Stuff, not my small potatoes blog where I talk about my narcissistic family and the crappy small town I used to live in.

The people I write about think, “I don’t like what she said because it hurts MY feelings and makes ME look bad, therefore she shouldn’t be allowed to say it or write it all!” Then they turn around and continue treating me the exact crappy same way with ZERO self-awareness whatsoever. So it’s okay for them to be assholes to me, but I’m not allowed to be an asshole back. I should be censored for speaking to them the exact same way they speak to and about me!

You know what we call that?

Delusional AF.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed your reality check. You’re not that important in the grand scheme of things, and neither am I. It is what it is. I am at peace with this. That’s why I still do what I do without shame. Just take the same dumb advice you’re always giving me and just, like, get over it already!!!!!

Yeah, how see how shitty that sounds?

Exactly.

Anyway, yesterday was pretty uneventful. I mostly slept because I absolutely did not sleep after finding that cockroach in my kitchen sink the other night.

Oh yeah, so nobody told me until later that you’re not supposed to leave the corpse unattended because it attracts more. LUCKILY FOR ME, it did not attract more, so I came home to find the same singular dead cockroach upside down in my sink. So gross!

Anyway, I was just tipsy enough to give it a New Orleans Jazz funeral, which means I sang “I’ll Fly Away” as I scooped it up with the big kitchen spoon and dumped it in a trash bag. Then I danced down the hall swinging the (closed) bag around like a rag and dumped it in the trash. Perhaps now it will break free of whatever miserable reincarnation cycle its stuck in that turned it into a cockroach and level up in the next life. You just can never be too sure with things like that…

It’s a good thing my neighbor was there to kill it for me because it is 100% against my spiritual belief system to bring harm to an animal like that. I do not kill insects or spiders or cockroaches or anything. That’s why I have to enlist help and why I still feel guilty enough later to do something ridiculous like sing to a dead cockroach. Again, I am at peace with this. It is what it is.

As you may have guessed, I immediately started spiraling after the cockroach jazz funeral and ended up on the roof crying all alone about everyone I know who died in a very short, five year period of time. It’s a lot. My dad, my Irish grandmother, Mad Dog, my favourite aunt, my uncle I lived with in NY, both of my dogs that we had for 13 years, three of my cats (including my favourite), a very good friend of mine, and one of my favourite professors from university.

Oh, and then there was the whole “losing my entire family” thing after my dad died because my mom realized it was finally her big opportunity to make me the Family Black Sheep, just like she’s always dreamed. How dare I stand up for myself and assert myself! I must be forever punished for my insubordinate behavior with the silent treatment!

Yeah, it’s a lot! Especially when you’re on the other side of the world, all alone with no one to talk to about any of it. Yeah, I cried a lot. It is what it is.

I sensed my neighbor come outside in the middle of it. Doing yoga increases one’s awareness of other energies, so you can sense people when they’re standing there, even if you can’t see them. Just Basic Jedi Mind Trick Stuff. Also, I can smell the smoke from his cigarettes. Dead giveaway right there.

He didn’t come over to me or say anything. I just felt him standing there watching me sadly, as if he was thinking, “It’s not really about the cockroach, is it?”

I found myself saying aloud, “You don’t understand. You still have a family you’re close to. You’re not all alone out here like I am.”

He didn’t say anything. He kept hiding in the dark, but I knew he was there. I could smell the smoke from his cigarette. A few minutes later, he went inside.

I think he’s a good friend. He’s been very helpful to me in so many ways. I’ve legitimately felt much calmer since he confronted me on the rooftop and asked me why I’m always acting so crazy. It’s one of those things like… I really just needed to be seen and heard and acknowledged in that moment, and he did that for me.

You really have to think about it from his POV. He’s seeing me when I’m not wearing the mask or out in public pretending to be someone I’m not yet in order to “fake it until I make it.” He’s seeing me crying on the rooftop on bad days and coming home from a night out drunkenly singing and dancing. He’s got the Front Row View of the entire show, completely raw, unedited, and unfiltered. He’s seeing me in Full Unhinged Crazy Mode, and instead of judging me, he reached out to help me. That means a lot.

I feel bad about objectifying him now. He’s not just some hot beefcake. He’s a human being with thoughts and feelings, just like I am.

Awww.

See? I don’t hate men. I just need to deal with men who aren’t complete assholes. That’s hard to find in this world.

Honestly, I think I’m just not used to kindness in this world. Most of the people I’ve known in my life have been really mean, negative, and on a mission to hurt others in order to elevate themselves. So when someone is actually genuinely kind to me, it’s incredibly jarring and shocking.

I still can’t believe he actually sat down with me and gave me real, practical advice for finding a job that legitimately worked. No one in my entire life has ever done that. They either give me some big lecture or tear me down to the point where I feel like I don’t deserve to exist.

The point is that all they do is speak words at me. There is no actual meaningful action behind their words. They’re just saying whatever sounds good to them so they can pat themselves on the back and say, “See? I tried, but SHE didn’t LISTEN!”

That’s because all you did was talk at me. You didn’t actually do anything meaningful to help me change the situation. That’s not helpful. That’s just basic narcissism. You think you’re a brilliant genius who knows everything and is better than everyone, so you talk down to everyone else as if they are beneath you. Then you wonder why I don’t listen. What are you actually saying? What are you actually doing?

To me, you might as well be typing out the same 5 paragraphs every person I’ve ever met has written to me about all the reasons why they hate me and why I shouldn’t exist. That’s not helpful. No sane, rational person in this world would look at a pile of hate mail they got in response to looking for a job and think, “Wow, that was SO helpful! Thank you so much! I’ll remember this when I’m still broke and homeless and living on the streets. Thank god you were here to lecture me during my time in need! I really benefitted from that!”

Please know at this point, I really do ignore the pile of hate mail I get from everyone. Yep, I get it. You hate me, you hate my personality, you hate my writing, you hate everything I am and have ever been and ever will be, you don’t support me, you want to see me fail, you wish I was dead so you wouldn’t have to deal with me ever again, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

Gee, it’s a really a mystery why I never listened to any of those people! Someone get Agatha Christie on this case, stat! Surely she will be able to figure out why someone wouldn’t listen to some dumb fucking townie hick from the middle of nowhere dole out thinly-veiled personal attacks disguised as completely impractical life advice. That’s definitely one for the ages. Sure that’s the story that will be getting new film and TV remakes once a decade, at least.

Meanwhile, my neighbor solved that mystery fast. He just sat down with me and was like, “Ah, so you’re upset because you’re unemployed. I see. Let’s take a look at your CV and cover letter and fix it up to make you really shine. We’ll get you sorted, no worries.”

Anyway, I really appreciate how kind he has been to me. He really did not have to help me at all. I try to give him as much space as possible and don’t bother him unless it’s an emergency (such as a giant cockroach in my sink). Boundaries, right? I can’t be 100% needy all the time. I have to at least try to figure out as much of this on my own as I possibly can.

In the end, I think he was probably just sitting up there on the rooftop thinking, “How do I get my annoying neighbor to shut the fuck up? Let’s confront the problem directly and see what can be done to get it all sorted.”

It is now sorted. If there’s one thing British people are good at, it’s getting things sorted. They do not care for chaos. They care for calm, control, and order. Combined with the Hong Kong value of Efficiency Above All Other Things, this man found a way to deal with his crappy neighbor without being an asshole, and it worked. Good for him! I respect that.

Anyway, yeah, he’s awesome. I want to get him a snack from 7/11 or something to thank him. I’m big on gift-giving like that. It’s generally not very well-received for some reason, so maybe I won’t get him anything at all. I don’t know.

Anywayyyyyyyyyz…

Still waiting on the job thing. They asked me to come in next week to do a test run with some of the classes. I think that’s a good sign! They seem to invest a lot of time and energy into training. They said it was something like four months of training time, as opposed to my old company. They gave us one week of training total. If you make any mistakes during that week, you’re out on the street and you somehow owe them money for the trouble. Brutal.

No wonder my confidence was completely destroyed after that job. I barely had any in myself when I got here and then they destroyed what little I had. It took a whole year, numerous adventures, and many dates with hot, sexy beefcakes to build up a basic level of self-esteem. I’m not sure I even still have any. Yet somehow I am still here, still swimming around in this shark tank, still keeping my head just above water.

That explains why I’m still worrying over whether or not I will actually get the job, even though I was technically already offered the job and they’re in the process of doing the onboarding paperwork. I refuse to get comfortable. It could all still go horribly, horribly wrong. I could still end up homeless on the street with nowhere to go and no one to help me. The risk of homelessness is always there. Always. This is my greatest fear.

I just hope it all works out. Law of Attraction. Manifestation. Visualization. I am standing in a random alley surrounded by red lanterns and glowing lights, wearing a vintage emerald green qipao and holding a bouquet of pink roses, posing for an instagram influencer photoshoot. I am celebrating. I got the job. I got the visa. I got the apartment. I got the Chirkin. I did it. I am a real Hong Konger now. #Chinamaxxing.

So much to do today. Gotta run to the market and find all peppermint everything. I’m going to deep-clean my apartment and coat everything in peppermint oil. Burn peppermint-scented incense and candles. Cockroaches hate peppermint!

Maybe I’ll just buy myself a peppermint plant and keep it on the kitchen counter where I found the cockroach. Never again.

Nothing else to write today. Just grateful that I met so many people on this journey who helped me. I never would have made it this far on my own. I’m lucky for the kindness of strangers. I didn’t know people could be so nice. It is truly a jarring experience of the best kind.

Off now. Have a good day! Try to be kind to someone for no reason today instead of ganging up on them in an effort to ruin their life for your personal entertainment. I know, it’s hard, especially if you’re from South Dakota, but somehow… I think you’ll manage.

BLOG: The Wolf of Peel Street

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Wednesday. Here we are at the coffee shop. Same as always, same as always.

What is there to write about today? Hmm… Well…

Once upon a time (aa back in December), I met some random expat bro at The Wolf. Can’t quite remember where he said he was from. Hungary? Bulgaria? Something like that. He worked in Shenzhen at the time, but now he has moved here. Somehow, he remembered me (they always do) and messaged me out of the blue to ask me out for “coffee.” Apparently, by coffee, he actually meant Prime Time Happy Hour at The Wolf.

As you may recall, The Wolf is the Finance Bro Bar where I was offered a line of cocaine off of a dirty bar toilet, then groped outside of the bathroom while everyone at the bar watched and did nothing. Sounds like a pretty unsafe situation to return to, right? Right.

On the one hand, I could go and write about my observations in a cleverly-titled blog called “The Wolf of Peel Street.”

On the other hand, I’ve been to this place before, I’ve calculated the risk factor there, and I just don’t think it’s worth it to put myself in a dangerous situation like that again. As we all know, Men + Bars = Disaster Waiting to Happen.

I’m also trying to make healthier life choices, like doing more yoga, eating more salads, and frequenting the neighborhood juice bar instead of an actual bar. Nothing about this situation screams “healthy.”

I’m thinking… not. I guess we’ll see if I change my mind at 5pm. I don’t think I will. I’m still mooning over The Russian. I don’t need more problems coming from the Eastern Bloc. Let’s change regions next time, shall we? Maybe take a trip back to Latin America, where the men know how to rolls their tongues and move their hips.

Just saying.

What other news in the world is there? Oh yes, only the most exciting kind of news: The Kardashians are Taking Hong Kong!

Yes! It’s true. Kim K herself is opening a SKIMS store in my old neighborhood (aka Times Square, Causeway Bay). I don’t know if that means she will physically be here filming the show, but I strongly suspect it does. I’m not crazy enough to think I could meet her, but maybe I could stand in line at the store and see her from a short distance away. Assuming I am still living here in November, of course. And that I don’t get crushed by a flock of tourists from the Mainland in the process…

Love it. I don’t care what anyone thinks. KUWTK has gotten me through some hard times in life. They’ve been my imaginary family when my real family has let me down. It’s one of my ultimate comfort shows. Sometimes I just want to sit around the table and eat a giant salad and talk shit about whatever with my sisters. Unfortunately, my real sisters are not in my life. That’s why I watch the Kardashians do it on their show. It’s not that deep. It just is what it is.

I wonder which hotel she will stay at? The Peninsula? The Mandarin Oriental? The Four Seasons? Will she go on the Escalator? Will she take the Star Ferry to Kowloon? Will she visit Macau?

I hope it’s not one of those trips like the India episode where they flew there for like two days and were too jet-lagged to do anything. I was pretty disappointed in that episode, honestly. I was just hoping for so much more.

Lol, I remember last year when I was doing magic mushroom therapy and I kept hallucinating that Kim K and Paris Hilton were dressed up in lab coats asking me questions and talking to me. That was wild.

I remember watching the India episode before doing my MM therapy session and I got caught in some weird loop where I was wandering through a spice market looking for Aladdin. I kept pacing around my apartment asking aloud, “Where’s Aladdin? Where’s Aladdin? where’s Aladdin?” My brother and cat were both like… WTF. Then I got really sick and had a super intense flashback of my relationship with my Persian ex-boyfriend, whose favourite childhood movie was… you guessed it… Aladdin.

Wild.

Brains are crazy, like I’ve said. I actually really benefitted from doing magic mushroom therapy. You have to treat it like actual therapy though. It can be really, really, really ugly and unpleasant. I basically had to take a dose, intentionally expose myself to various things that would trigger my worst traumas, and then relive them from a significant distance in a safe space. It really sucked while I was doing it, but it worked. I don’t get the flashbacks or nightmares anymore, at least not specifically related to that time in my life. I still get them in regards to my family, but hopefully that will go away with time.

I mainly used it to work through my PTSD related to my time in the Troubled Teen Industry. That is why I was specifically hallucinating Paris Hilton standing there talking to me. She’s leading the charge on the TTI stuff. Kim K was her lawyer.

Yet another one of those experiences I could write about for a legitimate publication if only I had my shit together. I do not have my shit together. Sigh.

What else happened? Hmm. Well, I talked to The Publisher. I haven’t talked to him in two months, apparently. Whoops! He was very happy to hear about my progress. At least someone is. He just said, “You did it, Betsey. You went there and you did the thing and you survived and you wrote about the entire experience. You did it. I’m proud of you.”

Thank you. Like I said, at least someone is proud of me, lol. No one, including myself, thought I was going to make it this far. But here I am, standing tall and proud, alive and well in Hong Kong SAR today!

I explained I’m only in documentation mode right now in regards to my daily adventures. I officially have a plan for this book, which I developed after piecing together that first manuscript draft back in January. I have a certain endpoint in mind now. I just need to manifest it!

Speaking of manifesting, I need to manifest a clean apartment. I picked up my second load of laundry late last night, so it’s all still sitting in the bag. I need to put it all away. It’s the perfect excuse to stay in my little cave and enjoy the aircon, which I definitely want to do today. The heat index is… yeah. Plus I was already outside doing yoga earlier this morning. No need to be out in the mid-afternoon sun.

Anything to take my mind off of the job thing. More rejections in my inbox. Really starting to panic now. I’m so ready to go back to work and open a new bank account and sign a two-year apartment lease and pay off my credit card bills. I don’t want to pack up and move, again, and start all over with the paperwork, again, and go into debt, again, and feel like this year was nothing more than a vacation from reality I took on a whim.

Manifesting. Manifesting. Manifesting.

I am a Hong Konger!

BLOG: The Forgotten Side Quest

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Sunday.

I just looked at my calendar and was shocked by how much time has already gone this month. Crazy.

In two weeks, I will have been gone a whole year. In one month, my visa expires. This is crazy. So crazy. I can’t believe this year has gone by so fast. I feel like I spent most of it barely keeping my head above water. Now I’m finally starting to find my footing and the tides are changing yet again. How I long for stability…

Well, the only way to get stability is to hustle, and even then, it’s always an illusion. As we learned from the TV series “Straight To Hell,” you never know when some hot beefcake will target you, seduce you, and con you out of all of your money and property, leaving you with nothing and no one.

That somewhat unlikely situation aside, I did indeed spend yesterday hustling. I just sent out a bunch of job applications to different English language centers. We’ll see if anything hits. I’m pretty sure it’s all the same ghost job postings that are always up there, but whatever. A job is a job and I need money, so… at least this time I have a better understanding of what exactly I’m up against.

If I don’t get anything here, I’ll try the mainland. I hear the money is better over there. Then again, it is the mainland. It’s not exactly Hong Kong, ya know? The rules are different there. You know what they say: one country, three systems: Hong Kong, Macao, and the Mainland. The OG Triads, lol.

I suppose there’s always Taiwan. No further comment.

Last night I went out with my friend. We went to this Greek place I’ve been to before. They redid the interior to make it significantly less charming. Before it was all blue and painted to look like a Greek cafe with a charming sea view. Now they’ve streamlined it and taken away all the charm in favor of a different, more bland concept. The food is still good but I just hate the new interior.

While we having dinner, my friend asked me a very alarming question about last weekend. She asked me if I remember a little side quest we went on after our visit to The Sketchy Place. Apparently we went to an Indian restaurant and had a whole conversation with an Auntie about yoga, my trip to India, and my piece-of-shit ex-boyfriend from Haryana. I do not remember any of this. Like, at all. Grand!

She was concerned for me because she thought she walked me home in my blacked out state. Instead, I decided to go on a little adventure up to the 7/11 on Peel Street, where I met up with someone I should not have met with. My friend was even more alarmed when I revealed to her that he and I ended up making out under a tree, in spite of the fact that I am not attracted to him, he is not my type, and I don’t want to be involved in whatever his situation is.

Initially, I agreed not to write about this, but now that I understand just how fucked up I actually was that night, I think I should mention that it happened. Obviously, this is not good. I definitely should not have been where I was that night.

My other friend expressed additional concern when we stopped by her bar to visit her after dinner. She said, “Watch her tonight. See how normal she’s acting? It’s only when she goes up to that place that she gets crazy like last week. I think they’re putting something in her drinks.”

This solidified for us that The Sketchy Place is officially off-limits forever. I admit that this is on me. I can’t leave things alone when I should. I let my curiosity get the better of me. I just had to know the truth. Now we know the truth, beyond all reasonable doubt. Something isn’t right there. It’s time to just step away and leave it alone.

For me, this is serving as extra motivation to get my shit together. Only I would accidentally wander into a modern day opium den and get sucked into whatever crazy bullshit is going on there.

Why did this happen to me? Because I don’t have a job. I have too much free time on my hands. I need something productive to do. Time to get to work and stop drinking in bars with increasingly questionable people.

At first I thought it was exciting to meet the so-called scum of society, for academic research purposes only, of course. Now I realize that I need to stay as far away from people like this as humanly possible, especially if I am going to elevate myself to a successful position in society.

It is indeed as my Irish Family in Bangkok said: “You are a Lady. No good will come of you running around down by the docks with all of the riff-raff.”

Truth.

Speaking of riff-raff, last night we met some rich banker lady on a business trip who asked us if we knew where to find cocaine. Ridiculous. These people are such a trip. As previously stated, it’s alarming and terrifying to me how much of the world’s systems are barely being held together by people with active drug addictions. Insanity. Eye-opening, for certain.

Yeah, so, first she asked us if we had any cocaine, then her friend asked us if we are poly. JFC, why aren’t any of these people normal? I guess when you have all the money and all the power, shit gets boring and you gotta spice it up. I can’t even imagine that, personally. I’m still down here at the bottom, scraping by, trying to survive. I guess I’ll figure out the answer to that question later.

Honestly, who wouldn’t be “poly” after two marriages and three kids? You’ve already checked off all the boxes on the life list. Time to throw caution to the wind and have some fun!

Okay, I guess now I know what my plans are for when I’m in my 60’s and my non-existent children are all grown. You know, my non-existent children that came from the eggs I didn’t freeze after The Russian gave me a whole lecture about it, then never came back to fertilize the eggs in question.

That was actually crazy, lol. I just laugh every time I think about him lying in bed next to me buckass naked, lecturing me about my fertility. Like he actually gives a fuck! It’s just funny.

It literally feels like he picked me up by my scorpion tail and checked my underbelly for eggs. It was so weirdly invasive and frankly, way too intimate for a one-night stand. Everything we did was way too intimate for a one-night stand. I just can’t be doing that with strangers anymore. I need an actual partner, for sure.

I’ve been with many men in my life, but none of them ever did anything like that. That was so crazy. Yes, he was really something. I am still thinking about him to this very day. It was an Experience. As with most of my experiences in the last year, I was left alone thinking to myself, “Wow, what was that?”

It was…

Yeah.

Upon further reflection, I can see why the experience was so unsettling for me. I was just sitting there and then suddenly, out of nowhere, here comes this man with impossible amounts of charm and charisma and confidence. He is clearly only seducing me for the purposes of meaningless business trip sex, yet he spends the entire time talking about intimate topics such as marriage and the meaning of partnership and then gives me a fucking lecture about my fertility right at the end. And then he just… fucks off and disappears into a void forever. What the fuck is that? That’s bullshit, that’s what it is. Men are so fucked up. Seriously. Stop picking up random, unsuspecting women at bars who are innocent and looking for love in all the wrong places and get a therapist instead. Ridiculous.

Men are dumb and annoying and this is why I don’t like them. They’re just liars and whores. I’m over it.

Okay, that aside, did anything else weird happen last night? Yes, yes it did. We did not go to the 7/11 on Peel Street because it was raining. Instead, we took a seat at the open corner bar right across the street. The people at this bar were… questionable at best.

There was one woman in there and she was 100% giving crackhead vibes. The Brazilian guy sitting next to her looked at my friend and I like we were fresh meat on a stick. He immediately approached us like he was ready to carve off a slice, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, sure, he was hot and Brazilian and a tennis coach, but the whole situation around us was really not doing it for me. I felt like I was being seduced in Rio by a hottie with a body, only to be robbed of my valuables later. Not into it.

Then his South African friend appeared and asked us if we wanted to go to the jungle with him. Like, hell no, dude. I’ve learned enough about South Africa in the last year to know that I don’t want to go anywhere with you, let alone to “the jungle,” whatever that might be.

I wanted to leave, but this Brazilian dude kept talking and talking and talking and had us blocked in. It was making me nervous, to be honest. Finally, we escaped and went back to my rooftop for a bit. Then my friend went home and I went to bed. No blackouts, no side quests, no unhinged social media posts. Good job, me. Way to act like an actual adult, for once.

This is about the time my friend asked me why I drink so much. The truth is painful. It’s because I was really sad and really lonely and really angry for a very, very, very, very long time. I was not in a position where I could change my life for the better because I was unable to escape the toxic situation I was in. I turned to alcohol and weed because they were the only way I could cope with the fact that I felt like shit every day and had no power to change even though I desperately wanted to.

Now I have changed everything, but the physical chemical addiction and bad habits remain. I recognize that it’s holding me back and causing me serious harm at this point. But… you know… it’s not something I can just stop on my own anymore. The monkey on my back is running the show right now. I know that. I’m not proud of it. I don’t like it. I want to change it. But, you know… rehab is expensive, I live in a foreign country, and I don’t have healthcare back home. It is what it is.

I can only do what I can to minimize consumption at this point. I already killed my 7/11 habit and now I’ve learned the hard way that some people, places, and situations are safer than others. It’s not a good idea to go out alone. It doesn’t end well. It’s not safe. Furthermore, when I go out with my friends, I should feel comfortable enough with them to be sober. I shouldn’t have to hit a three drink minimum before I feel comfortable being myself. What is wrong with me?

This I say as I sit and my favourite brunch place drinking a mimosa to take the edge off from last night. Ridiculous.

Anyway, someday I will turn all of this into a TV show. Who doesn’t love a fatal flaw in a leading character? It’ll be just like Emily in Paris, if Emily struggled with alcoholism behind the scenes. Sort of. I don’t know. I’m still studying teleplay writing at the University of Netflix. I’ll get back to you later.

Speaking of Netflix, I am going home to change into my sweats and curl up in bed with season 2 of Running Point. It’s so rainy and gross out today. It’s the perfect day to rot in bed.

Have a good one!

BLOG: Shark Fin Soup

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Friday. At the coffee shop. It’s raining today. It rained all last night. The construction was still going on outside until about 2am when the rain started, so the very loud sounds of the drilling were replaced by impossibly loud, extremely terrifying thunder claps. Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep last night.

Instead I stayed up late into the night vision boarding and life planning. I was looking at everything I was doing this time last year before Hong Kong. So much hope for the future, lol. Looking back now, I can see why I immediately fell into a deep depression when that first TEFL job went off the rails. Mistake! It wasn’t my fault. This company has a terrible reputation here in Hong Kong!

Still, most people I’ve met out here are better about jumping back fast. It took me more time than I thought it would to jump back. Then again, I was carrying a lot with me when I came here. Like I’ve said, it took me six months just to feel safe in the fact that I don’t have to go back to SD. There was also the breakup, all of the unprocessed feelings about my dad’s death, etc etc etc. I was in pretty rough shape.

Luckily for me, Bali and Thailand’s expertise is nursing sick water buffalo like me back to health, so here I am now. Back in Hong Kong. Recovering after a mysterious set of injuries appeared after I blacked out at the Sevens. Grand.

The good news is that I did get another ping from a source regarding the shadiness of one of those bars, so I’m not wrong to be concerned there might be more to the story. Maybe I was actually followed and attacked? It’s not out of the realm of possibility. I guess I would rather think I fell down the stairs because it’s a more pleasant version of reality…

Anyway, going over my old Pinterest boards always kicks my ass back into gear. I had a plan once. I had motivation. I had goals and dreams and a notebook full of financial worksheets and fancy charts. All of my academic dreams are well within my reach. Ireland is within my reach. The whole world is within my reach. I just have to work for it.

Let’s just channel The Russian’s energy here for a second, just to help me be less messy for five seconds. This is a person who is very educated, has traveled extensively, and started his own business. This is basically just the male version of the person I would like to be. It’s a good thing I fucked him, because now I have his energy inside me and I can be more like that.

It’s like how some Chinese people snort ground up rhino horns or eat shark fin soup or whatever. They do it because they think they’re absorbing the power of that animal. This is my new strategy with men: absorb the power of the animal, which in this case is a scorpion. So just more of the same, but manlier, lol.

That’s actually not limited to the Chinese at all. Wasn’t there an English king who ate a lion’s heart because he thought it would make him more powerful in the Crusades or something? Yeah, Richard the Lionheart. From Robin Hood. I think? Somebody fact check that for me later. I’m in the middle of a flow and now I’m moving on to the part about West African War Lords in eating children’s hearts and snorting gunpowder or whatever.

Hmm… I think I’m starting to figure out why men are so afraid of women, lol.

Anyway, that was a neurodivergent side quest into history. Side bar over. What was I talking about again? Absorbing Finance Bro energy to make myself stronger and more powerful? Yeah, that sounds about right. Somehow this has something to do with making vision boards on Pinterest. I have no idea, lol. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. Or maybe I just haven’t finished my coffee yet.

I think my goal for the day was to re-do my resume for the billionth time, split it into multiple versions, and start sending it out, again. I was using a local job board, but I have gotten nothing back from it, so I’m switching to a different tactic. Be open. Embrace the chaos. Get that passport stamped. Worry less, travel more. See the world! Save money! Go back to school! Write about it all later!

Hmm.

Too bad The Russian ghosted me. I’m sure he would really appreciate me comparing his dick to illegally-poached ivory products and shark fin soup. I can imagine him doubled over laughing hysterically on the red leather couch right now.

Alas.

I just have to remember: I am not helpless. I am awesome! I am empowered! I’ve made it this far, and by this far, I mean traveling to a dozen countries in two years, attending two yoga teacher training courses in India and Bali, surviving life in Hong Kong after a failed TEFL job, finding my inspiration to write again while briefly living in Bangkok, and adding more characters to my Island of Lost Guys along the way.

I’d say I’m doing pretty well for someone who was intentionally pushed into a mental breakdown after her father died by her incredibly sick-minded co-workers from Starbucks for entertainment. That was three years ago! Wow! And where are those jerks now? Well, one of them definitely went to jail for assault, so there you have it!

Thank god I escaped that place. I hated South Dakota so much. There are no words. I don’t know what’s wrong with those people. They choose conflict and drama every time. Now that I’m far away from it and I don’t have to deal with it anymore or be an active target, I can see how wrong it really was. Sick, sick, sick people. Just sick, twisted, and evil.

Okay. Forget all of that. It’s hard. I still try to drown it out every day. It still affects my confidence. I still have flashbacks about the days I was constantly being attacked online, at work, around town, by my family, by my exes. It went on for years and years and years and years. It’s not easy to forget. I just have to keep adding new memories, new languages, new travels, new stories, new media, new everything to my brain to replace it all.

It is like Kim Kardashian says. “You just need to do so many photoshoots. The good pictures will replace all the bad pictures and soon everyone will forget the bad pictures altogether.”

I can’t remember if she said that in the show or if she said it to me in a dream. That happens sometimes. I have dreams about her coming to me and giving me life advice. Kim K and Paris Hilton. It’s a whole thing. Judge me all you want. I don’t care. I’m willing to take the L on this one. I shamelessly Keep Up and I have no regrets about it.

Okay, I had a mission today. That mission is to get up off my ass and work. Try to find a way to keep the past from haunting me forever. Move forward. Find a new job. Live a new life. Save money. Go back to school. The whole jam.

Motivated AF!

The Chinese guy sitting next to me at the cafe just looked at the bottom of his mug and read his foam the same way one would read tea leaves. How fun! I’m going to try that now. Let’s see what comes up…

Ohhhhhh I definitely got a heart! And a snake. So love is coming, but there will be obstacles along the way. No worries. That’s why I’ve got not one, but two statues of Ganesha, as well as a giant rainbow tapestry depicting him. Obstacles? No problem! We’ll be cruising on through like we’re on a TukTuk ride through New Delhi at rush hour!

BLOG: See the SEA

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Thursday. Where does the time go? I do not know.

I am early to the coffee shop today. Early meaning 10:15am. Normally I come around lunchtime because the streets are busier and much more fun to watch. Today I came early just because I woke up at sunrise, a rarity for me here in Hong Kong.

I am doing a little bit better today. I went out for pizza on the patio last night, which I have not done in over a month. I’ve been going out to different places and trying new things in an effort to cease my reliance on my Western comforts. That being said, one can only eat rice and noodles for so long before they need a slice of pizza with hot sauce and a cup of ranch on the side.

In the case of Thailand, this particular craving manifests as a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of coleslaw and ketchup. I would never, ever eat such a thing in the US. But in Bangkok? Hell yes, give me that shit, I haven’t seen a single tomato in weeks.

I also did a really intense 3-hour Tibetan Buddhist meditation session last night. The drilling on the street was going until pretty late, so I put on my headphones and some chanting and vibed. I had a vision I was doing yoga in Rishikesh. I had a notebook with me full of bucket list items that I was checking off. A nice little reminder that I am, in fact, living my life to the fullest. It’s okay to give myself some space for rest.

Overall, I feel good about my decision to stay in SEA, for now. There is so much more to see and do! Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Taiwan, Singapore, Japan, Korea, Mainland China, the Phillippeans, and, of course, everywhere in Thailand outside of Bangkok. I can go back West to study another time.

Everyone says the first year abroad is the hardest. I would agree with this. It’s been a lot of ups and downs. I’ve seen a mix of beautiful things and things no human being should ever see. It’s been an adventure I wouldn’t trade for the world. Resubscribe me for another year!

Now, if only my job applications would stop disappearing into the void. I need to find work, ASAP.

Anything to distract me from the intrusive thoughts I am having about The Russian. Ugh. Men. So annoying. I thought if I dated guys who just got on a plane and left, it would be much easier to cut the cord. However, this guy has proven it is not so easy, which sucks because I’m pretty sure he’s never coming back! So sad.

Why did I allow myself to be swept off my feet by his overwhelming charm? Probably because it had been five months since the Hot Beef Stew. I was ready to get him out of my system and fantasize about someone else! LOL! Well, I definitely got what I asked for. I am merely sitting in observation of my feelings now. I allow them to exist, but I take no action regarding them. There is no action to take. He is gone. The story is over. The End!

Anyway. Forget him. Let us focus on what is necessary and important: job hunting. Forever and always!

We need to step it up. Do the Hong Kong Hustle, as they say.

I have no idea how I live here some days. You’d think with my current energy levels, I’d be much happier rotting on a beach somewhere in Thailand or Vietnam. However, being here in Hong Kong and soaking up the professional vibes is good for me. It’s motivating. It’s inspiring. It pushes me to be something better than I am. That’s what I need right now in my life. I want to move up to the next level.

Just push me up the escalator to that next level. One more staircase, one more hill, just keep climbing and climbing and climbing until I reach the top…

BLOG: Irish F.I.R.E. Horse

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Sunday. Getting closer and closer to our much dreaded check-out date. Back into the real world we go, with nothing but a delusion to carry us through.

I don’t have to go back to HK, but I really do. It’s an achievement thing. I want to prove to myself I can do it. I can survive. I can answer the challenge. I can level up. I came all this way to live and work in Hong Kong. I will never forgive myself if I throw it all away before my visa expires.

Yeah, it’s hard. Some days… it’s really, really hard. But the promise of money and fabulous real estate is there and that’s a pretty big priority for me at this point in my life. A Man is Not a Plan. By extension… Thailand is Not a Plan. You know what is a plan? Aspiring to be the kind of person who flies directly to Shanghai to purchase a Hermes Birkin Super Clone straight off the factory line.

Go on and get your bag, gurl. That’s all there really is in this life.

So no, I am not exactly excited to return to HK, but again… this is the deal that I made. This is what I signed up for. There is no other way to move but forward. All I can do is chase the image of that bag way off in the distance like it’s a carrot on a stick. Somehow, it will manifest.

As I said… somewhat delusional, but it’s okay. We’re here for this Emily in Paris-esque journey here in SEA today.

Meanwhile, I really want to re-do my entire website. I’m just so over all of it right now. People keep sticking their phones in my face with my website plastered all over it and I’m so sick of the way it looks. It’s been the same for ten years! I need a change! I have more to offer the world than this same pile of stale garbage. I need a makeover, stat.

Someday this will all make a very fun Netflix show. I would watch that. Have you guys watched Expats with Nicole Kidman? It’s set in Hong Kong. It’s… awful. So depressing. I was tempted to watch it again, but I just can’t. The only way to describe it is gloomy AF.

I did watch Already Tomorrow in Hong Kong on YouTube again. It’s an indie romcom about two expats who meet in HK and spend the whole night getting lost and walking around. It’s more fun to watch now that I actually know where they are. It’s fun to look at the background and say, “I live in that neighborhood!” And “Oh yeah, I know that place, lol. I know where they are.” It inspired me again. It also reminded me what I fell in love with about the city, which I needed since I’ve been having a tough time.

Plus, there is the draw of the Chinese New Year Party at the racetrack. Let’s start the Year of the Fire Horse by drinking at the horse races. Fun fun!

I also have to find a new spot to watch the rest of the Six Nations Rugby tournament. Here is the thing: there is exactly one Irish Pub in Hong Kong, which I visit frequently. Unfortunately, it is on the Kowloon side. I personally do not like to go to the Kowloon side late at night, and the games are not on until 10pm & 12am. So I need to walk around my neighborhood and find a spot that is not so crowded. This will be… a challenge… because I live close to one of the hottest nightlife spots in town.

We’ll just see what happens. Maybe we’ll meet a fit finance bro with a cute accent and a ripped bod who lives in a luxury apartment up on the Peak. Or maybe… not.

Anyway, speaking of rugby, I did go out to the American Bar last night for the Six Nations. Watching Team Ireland kick England’s ass while sitting in a room with that crowd was certainly an experience I will not soon forget.

Even Princess Kate was sitting there like, “Damn, these Irish lads are on fire!” Yeah, they heard I was showing up tonight and decided to put on a real show. What can I say? There are perks to being a long lost Irish Faerie Princess who has recently decided to reclaim her identity. Perks like watching Team Ireland dominate the Six Nations are rugby. Hashtag: Winning!

Relax, it’s a joke. I’m not actually that level of narcissist. It’s just fun for me to write this shit to make me feel better about my sad little life. You know, my sad little life where I’m struggling to survive in Hong Kong because I decided life wasn’t hard enough as it was. I don’t feel sorry for me. This is exactly what I wanted. It’s always rough in the beginning. I just have to keep the faith that everything will work out and things will gradually fall into place.

Off now. Need to go call my brother back in the States. He’s literally the only person in my family that I still talk to. Hashtag: Black Sheep Status. Gotta love it! This is how I’m able to live abroad and continually fail without being phased or crying about wanting to go back home. There is no home to go back to. There is only a hardwood floor to sleep on…