Wednesday.
Currently sitting on the patio of my favourite pizza place. I know the owner. He’s from NYC. He’s actually one of the first people I met when I came back here to Hong Kong. Therefore, I always come here when I want a little taste of home. This is how makes connections here, or so I have learned from the Secret Society over time.
Funny story: my English Uncle just passed by, followed closely by a group of Finance Bros. What is the collective noun for Finance Bros? A Flock? A Frat? Lol. Let’s see what Google says…
LOL WHAT?! Apparently the word is “wunch.” I’ve never heard this word in my entire life. Apparently it’s UK English, so I guess that explains why. The AI also suggested the terms “syndicate” and “portfolio.” Lol, a portfolio of Finance Bros. Hahaha. That’s funny. Binders full of Finance Bros!
He would be very amused by this. Naturally, he called out to me and waved as he passed by. It’s funny how much he reminds me of my dad without actually being anything like my dad at all. The rest of them were staring at me as they walked past like, “Who the fuck are you?” Oh, you’ll find out eventually, I’m sure. Everyone always does…
There is no doubt in my mind that when they ask him later he will say in his very posh British accent, “Oh, yes, Betsey! Bloody brilliant, that one! I joined her team last week for Quiz Night at the [Secret Society] and she aced the German section! Everyone was so surprised!”
Anyway, that randomness aside, this week has been… so unbelievably stressful for me. I cannot even begin to describe. Well, I suppose I did in the last post. Things have calmed down a bit since then, but I did have two nightmares in a row this week about working at Starbucks. Lol, those were the worst so far.
Hahaha, I literally had a nightmare the other night about being chased around my grandmother’s house by a giant pterodactyl/parrot and the nightmares about the year I worked at Starbucks were scarier than that.
Oh my god, do NOT get me started on Starbucks. We will be here all goddamn day. I’m seriously considering going to law school just so I can sue the shit out of them for the insane amount of labor violations and harassment I experienced during my tenure. Horrible company. Just horrible.
If you gave me the choice right now between being chased around by a dinosaur and working the drive-thru at Starbucks again, I’m choosing the fucking dinosaur. Yes, it was really that bad.
As of this paragraph, it is now Thursday. I am sitting in my little shoebox, chillin’ like a villain on penicillin. I am not having a meltdown today. I am making the choice now to let all the shit with my family and my old life go. Those people who intentionally say and do things to hurt me and put me in a hyper-anxious spiral are not my family.
When I told my grandmother that I was moving here last year, she did not say “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! I’m proud of you for taking such a massive risk to move across the world and for having the courage to start all over again somewhere new.” You know what she said to me? She said, “I just feel so sorry for you because you don’t have a family.”
But you’re wrong, grandma. I do have a family. I have my brother, who literally saved just the day by sending me a very important package in the mail. I also have my Hong Kong Family now. They have been so supportive and helpful to me in these last few months. They have showed me kindness when I needed it the most. They have given me a feeling of acceptance I’ve never known in my entire life. They support me, they uplift me, and they want to see me succeed. They tell me they’re proud of me and they encourage me to be the best version of myself. This is my Home now, this is my Family now, and I truly feel in my heart that I belong here.
That is something my mother and her family have never given me in my whole life. They dragged me down to their level, they sabotaged my opportunities, and they did everything they could to make sure I failed, all so they could have a free live-in “helper” who they could beat up on whenever they felt like it.
Being here has taught me I don’t have to put up with that anymore. I don’t have to be a servant. I don’t have to be a scapegoat. I don’t have to be a punching bag. I can be me. I can be free. It just took me time to liberate myself from that mindset and realize that yes, I do belong in this world, and I can become the person I have always dreamt of becoming.
I haven’t been as productive as I hoped to be this week, but somehow in my heart, I know it’s okay. Today is the first day all week that I haven’t had a full-blown meltdown. I feel like I deserve a sticker or a Pokemon card or something, lol.
I think Mr. Next Door would agree if he wasn’t being so pissy lately. As we all know, he’s the only one here who has a front-row seat to my one-woman show, “The Many Moods of Me.” He’s the only one who knows what a monster I really am behind the scenes. He’s the one who has to see and hear it all. I make fun of him and his stupid hair, but I do feel bad for him when I lose all control over myself and start Hulking out. He’s standing on the other side of the wall just trying to cook his noodles or whatever and thinking to himself, “Bloody Hell, not again!!!”
He’s left me stickers on my door before. He carries them for the kids he coaches. I think he should leave one on my door today with a note that says, “Way to go, Godzilla. You did really well today. I’m proud of you for not having one of your world-famous nuclear meltdowns and destroying an entire city. Here’s an A for Effort.”
Wait, does the British education system even use that type of grading scale? I have absolutely no idea. That might be an American phrase. Who knows? I’m too lazy to look it up right now, lol. That’s an entire rabbit hole of research I’m not in the mood to go down. I have to go to the market and put away my laundry and do the dishes. I don’t have time for that.
Otherwise, yes, I am okay today. Everything is going to be okay. I am especially inspired because of Julia Stiles’ epic performance on Dancing with the Stars this week. She did a new version of her famous audition number from Save the Last Dance, which is one of my favourite movies of all time. Seeing her make such an epic comeback like that filled me with so much joy and inspiration. I’ve watched it like 7 million times in the last 12 hours. I really feel like… if she can do it, so can I.
I can’t say this on the record yet, but… Welcome to HKU, Ms. Horton.
Just kidding… or am I?
I’m not, lol.
The dance thing is an especially big deal for me because I consider Dance to be one of my favourite forms of therapy. It’s also something my mother tried to sabotage and destroy for me. I’ve never seen her angrier in my life than during the pandemic when I signed up for virtual dance classes. The look of pure evil on her face when she saw me practicing ballet and jazz and theatrical routines was so terrifying. Every time I had a class, she would interrupt it somehow. She would come home and scream at me like she’s never screamed at me in her life. She even cut off the internet on the day of my last recital so I couldn’t perform. It was so shocking and disturbing to me. I really saw her mask drop in that moment.
She also called me out of nowhere, screaming at me on the day of my first workshop review during the Paris Writing Workshop. During the pandemic, I had to stop telling her when I was attending online classes and workshops because she would barge into my room during live sessions and start berating me in front of everyone while the mic was one.
She has a longstanding pattern of behavior. These are not things that happened to me as a child. These incidents took place when I was in my early 30’s. So no, it does not surprise me now that she is doing the exact same thing to me right now. This is who she is. This is what she does. There is no doubt in mind she has already concocted some insane story about how I am the villain for leaving her all alone with her health problems instead of hopping on a plane to run back to her and be her own personal whipping post again.
Okay, I really do have to get going now. I have to go to the market and clean up and fold all my clothes while I re-watch Save The Last Dance for the billionth time in my life. I love that movie so much.
In the meantime, everyone please give a shoutout to my Brother, a Real-Life Superhero, who saved the day this week by sending me a Very Important Package in the mail. He is the Greatest of All Time. Truly the most amazing person on the planet. I love him so much. He’s my favourite person. I am so grateful every day that he is still alive. He survived something so difficult and now he’s thriving! I will never regret being there for him when he was going through a hard time. Now he’s here for me when I’m going through a hard time. He is my best friend in the entire world. My one true Ride-Or-Die Bitch. No one, not even our ridiculous family, can break the bond between us! BFFs4Lyf!
*everyone in the room does a polite golf clap*
Okay, off now. Ta ta!