Monday.

Not doing so hot today. It’s because I am on my Moon. I have exactly zero energy. Instead, I am full of anxiety. Another night, another nightmare. Another panic attack. Another anxiety spiral first thing when I woke up. I have absolutely no control over it no matter what I do. I simply cannot keep it together long enough to get anything done. I don’t know what the solution is.

I just know the only thing that consistently works for me is medicinal marijuana, and that’s not a thing here. I also flat-out refuse to touch pharmaceuticals after what I went through as a teenager. I spent half of my life being forced to-fed drugs that turned me into a total zombie.

I’m not going back to that, just like I’m never going back to the evil mother who perpetrated that abuse on me from the time I was a child. I would literally rather jump off of a high-rise building than ever return to the US and deal with her and her overly-controlling, abusive family. I truly mean it when I say I hope she suffers until the end. She deserves it.

I had high hopes for being productive today, but that just hasn’t gone my way. I’ve been too busy having an anxiety spiral from my latest nightmare, then having yet another full-blown panic attack, and then recovering from all of the above.

But hey, as people keep telling me, anxiety isn’t real. It’s all in my head. I just need to shut up and get over it, right?

Right.

I just did the only thing I could think of to do: I meditated, made some tea, read a little bit, walked down the street to get a salad and a smoothie, and put on a movie. I do feel more relaxed now. Productive? No? Relaxed? Only slightly.

Well, the night is still young. I could be productive yet. If not, I’m just going to go to bed early and start all over again tomorrow morning. I’m not going out this week! I have resolved not to go anywhere until I have made significant progress on my job hunt.

I have no other choice. It’s either go back to my miserable old life where my family controls everything and destroys every opportunity I’m given, jump off a high-rise, find a rich boyfriend to take care me while I get my shit together, or find a job.

No pressure. None at all! No wonder all of this has been going so poorly for so many months. Ugh.

Great.

Okay, I’m going to go chill out now. Or at least… try…