Wednesday. It’s 1:30pm and I’m still in bed recovering from the epic emotional meltdown I had yesterday.

This whole Bangkok situation is just… too much for me. I am so tired of misogynistic men and the women who enable them messing with my head. Some days I wish I could just be normal instead of always stepping into massive piles of shit.

Well, good news, fam. You’ve done it. You’ve finally chased me away. I won’t come back there anymore. I can’t take the level of crazy. I thought I could, but I definitely can’t. I’ve officially hit my limit.

You win.

I really struggled to fall asleep last night. I went into a full spiral and just could not calm myself down. Some days are good for me, but overall I feel like this entire year has just been a giant disaster. I really thought my life was going to change for the better when I moved abroad. I would just have a job and work and save money and go on trips. Instead it’s just been one disaster after another. It doesn’t feel very good for my self-esteem. I feel more useless and without any real, significant purpose than ever.

I finally got to sleep at dawn. I had a nightmare I was back in South Dakota with my mother and little sister. It was very unpleasant. I really miss my nightly dose of cannabis before bed. It stops the nightmares from coming.

I woke up early and couldn’t will myself to get out of bed for several hours. I finally managed to get up long enough to have a cigarette. Take a shower, brush my teeth, put on a face mask, and make myself a cup of tea. Pretty impressive for someone who is clearly in the middle of a mental health crisis. You can tell I’ve been practicing this for years.

I do not usually drink tea early in the day. I always have coffee. Tea is for when I’m stressed out or sleep-deprived or sick. It’s more of a medicinal thing for me. I decided to make one because the character of Mr. Antony/the Hot Beef Stew has been floating around all morning. He said it would make me feel better. He was right.

I used to freak out whenever I “made” a new character because I didn’t understand the process. Then I went to all those writing workshops during the pandemic and finally understood after listening to other writers talk about their experiences. It’s actually a good thing if the character you made is randomly talking to you, especially if the character is suggesting you make yourself a cup of tea to calm your nerves.

He’s trying to figure out what it means for him to be the “Muse.” He keeps asking me questions about it. I just took the line from House of Guinness and said. “It’s a job, with perks, like a seaside cottage in Ireland.”

He said, “You don’t need a Muse. You need a life coach, a manager, and a maid.” Lol! That is sooooo true.

I like this one way more than Andrew already. Maybe it’s just Andrew wearing a mask and pretending to be someone else again. I don’t think so. I think I finally cut the cord with that one when I was in Bali. I had no choice but to break that connection. It was really hurting me at the end. It was never good or healthy for me. I understand that now. But I could only really understand when I told the Hot Beef Stew about him. I keep going back to that moment and thinking to myself, “Something really changed for me there.”

Unfortunately, I’m not sure I’m loving the circumstances surrounding the creation of this new character. Not sure we really changed much at all. My attitude towards this one is much different, I will say that. I used to say that I “loved” my Andrew. Mr. Antony straight up said to me, “That’s not love.” So I do not think of his character as someone I “love.” It’s just comforting to imagine him in a wool sweater making me a cup of tea and wiping away the tears. I guess that’s all I need right now. I can’t have it in real life, so I had to make up an imaginary friend to do it instead. It is what it is.

He keeps singing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart. So random! I haven’t heard that song in FOREVER. He says it’s his favourite workout song. Hahaha, what? Shut up! This character is too much fun.

That’s the weird part of making up characters. Sometimes they do things like that. Like say they like a certain song that I don’t listen to. I know this might be hard to believe, but Rod Stewart is not a regular feature on my Spotify playlists, lol. It literally just came up out of nowhere. Random AF.

I actually just looked up the lyrics and was like, “Oh. That’s just a summary of what happened the night we met. Except it was my high-rise apartment. Hahahaha! That’s funny.”

Hahahaha.

Andrew used to do that all the time with music. I had a playlist for him once too.

As I said, it’s a process. I understand the creative process now, but it can still be weird. It’s not like drawing a picture or painting a mural. You’re like… inventing a human being. It’s bizarre. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get over the weirdness.

My neighborhood is much quieter today. No endless jackhammering to run me out. I know I should get up and go somewhere. Get some fresh air. Drop off my laundry. Run my errands. Take a nice, long walk up and down the Mid-Levels. Go to a yoga class. I am trying to force myself, but all I can manage to do is stay in bed wrapped up in my blanket.

At least I have the company of this character to cheer up a bit. I was so upset I missed the film screening last night. I found the series online, but that’s not really the point. The point was to go there and meet people and network. I failed at that. But I also have to be realistic and admit to myself that I was just not in any condition to be socializing yesterday after writing that story. I don’t think people really understand how much writing stuff like that messes with my mind.

Mr. Antony says, “Don’t feel too bad about your story. Everyone has wanted to punch Hermes in the face at one point or another. He’s a little shit like that. I wasn’t very happy to hear about what he did either. What gave him the right to interfere? Why would he tell you a fake story about me to mess with your head? That’s just wrong.”

That’s what I’m saying, bro! Now I understand why you said that bar is full of riff-raff. It really is!

I am trying to imagine the look on Mr. Antony’s face when he heard this story. He was sooooo serious. I feel like he was probably pretty mad when he heard that. I would be. I’d be crazy pissed off, in fact. Like, “Oh, this situation could have gone away completely, but instead this little fucker decided to intercede and blow everything up. They should Extradite him back to Northern Ireland just for that. That was a really fucked up thing to do to mess with a total stranger like that, especially a woman. Straight to jail!”

Well, I guess that will teach me a lesson about writing about my real life on the internet where anyone off the street can read. Ugh. Did I learn my lesson? Well, I’m still doing it, so probably not. I definitely need a different outlet than this.

As an amusing side-note, I did go back and re-read the novella I wrote the first month I was in Bangkok. I wrote it before I ever set foot in that ridiculous bar or met any of these ridiculous people. It’s called “My Emirati Prince.” It was inspired by some random I met in Dubai. It’s… very, very, very spicy, lol. Just pure, unfiltered smut. I forgot how hot it is. I was like, “Jaysus, no wonder I was running around Bangkok like a cat in heat after writing that story. It’s… a lot. And I had not had sex in over a year and a half at that point. Prior to that, I hadn’t had it in like 5 years, and prior to that, it had been like a decade. So… there you have it!”

Well, maybe someday I’ll finally meet a man who isn’t afraid to fuck me every day. Until then… I’m going to make some spicy noodles and get some more rest. At least I’m feeling a little bit better now than I was when I first woke up.

Hmmm… maybe there is something to this whole “cuppa tea” thing after all. Who knew? You know us Americans. We don’t drink tea, we threw that shit in the harbor in protest of tyrannical governments. Well… maybe not so much anymore.

Ugh.