Tag: Bangkok

BLOG: The Forgotten Side Quest

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Sunday.

I just looked at my calendar and was shocked by how much time has already gone this month. Crazy.

In two weeks, I will have been gone a whole year. In one month, my visa expires. This is crazy. So crazy. I can’t believe this year has gone by so fast. I feel like I spent most of it barely keeping my head above water. Now I’m finally starting to find my footing and the tides are changing yet again. How I long for stability…

Well, the only way to get stability is to hustle, and even then, it’s always an illusion. As we learned from the TV series “Straight To Hell,” you never know when some hot beefcake will target you, seduce you, and con you out of all of your money and property, leaving you with nothing and no one.

That somewhat unlikely situation aside, I did indeed spend yesterday hustling. I just sent out a bunch of job applications to different English language centers. We’ll see if anything hits. I’m pretty sure it’s all the same ghost job postings that are always up there, but whatever. A job is a job and I need money, so… at least this time I have a better understanding of what exactly I’m up against.

If I don’t get anything here, I’ll try the mainland. I hear the money is better over there. Then again, it is the mainland. It’s not exactly Hong Kong, ya know? The rules are different there. You know what they say: one country, three systems: Hong Kong, Macao, and the Mainland. The OG Triads, lol.

I suppose there’s always Taiwan. No further comment.

Last night I went out with my friend. We went to this Greek place I’ve been to before. They redid the interior to make it significantly less charming. Before it was all blue and painted to look like a Greek cafe with a charming sea view. Now they’ve streamlined it and taken away all the charm in favor of a different, more bland concept. The food is still good but I just hate the new interior.

While we having dinner, my friend asked me a very alarming question about last weekend. She asked me if I remember a little side quest we went on after our visit to The Sketchy Place. Apparently we went to an Indian restaurant and had a whole conversation with an Auntie about yoga, my trip to India, and my piece-of-shit ex-boyfriend from Haryana. I do not remember any of this. Like, at all. Grand!

She was concerned for me because she thought she walked me home in my blacked out state. Instead, I decided to go on a little adventure up to the 7/11 on Peel Street, where I met up with someone I should not have met with. My friend was even more alarmed when I revealed to her that he and I ended up making out under a tree, in spite of the fact that I am not attracted to him, he is not my type, and I don’t want to be involved in whatever his situation is.

Initially, I agreed not to write about this, but now that I understand just how fucked up I actually was that night, I think I should mention that it happened. Obviously, this is not good. I definitely should not have been where I was that night.

My other friend expressed additional concern when we stopped by her bar to visit her after dinner. She said, “Watch her tonight. See how normal she’s acting? It’s only when she goes up to that place that she gets crazy like last week. I think they’re putting something in her drinks.”

This solidified for us that The Sketchy Place is officially off-limits forever. I admit that this is on me. I can’t leave things alone when I should. I let my curiosity get the better of me. I just had to know the truth. Now we know the truth, beyond all reasonable doubt. Something isn’t right there. It’s time to just step away and leave it alone.

For me, this is serving as extra motivation to get my shit together. Only I would accidentally wander into a modern day opium den and get sucked into whatever crazy bullshit is going on there.

Why did this happen to me? Because I don’t have a job. I have too much free time on my hands. I need something productive to do. Time to get to work and stop drinking in bars with increasingly questionable people.

At first I thought it was exciting to meet the so-called scum of society, for academic research purposes only, of course. Now I realize that I need to stay as far away from people like this as humanly possible, especially if I am going to elevate myself to a successful position in society.

It is indeed as my Irish Family in Bangkok said: “You are a Lady. No good will come of you running around down by the docks with all of the riff-raff.”

Truth.

Speaking of riff-raff, last night we met some rich banker lady on a business trip who asked us if we knew where to find cocaine. Ridiculous. These people are such a trip. As previously stated, it’s alarming and terrifying to me how much of the world’s systems are barely being held together by people with active drug addictions. Insanity. Eye-opening, for certain.

Yeah, so, first she asked us if we had any cocaine, then her friend asked us if we are poly. JFC, why aren’t any of these people normal? I guess when you have all the money and all the power, shit gets boring and you gotta spice it up. I can’t even imagine that, personally. I’m still down here at the bottom, scraping by, trying to survive. I guess I’ll figure out the answer to that question later.

Honestly, who wouldn’t be “poly” after two marriages and three kids? You’ve already checked off all the boxes on the life list. Time to throw caution to the wind and have some fun!

Okay, I guess now I know what my plans are for when I’m in my 60’s and my non-existent children are all grown. You know, my non-existent children that came from the eggs I didn’t freeze after The Russian gave me a whole lecture about it, then never came back to fertilize the eggs in question.

That was actually crazy, lol. I just laugh every time I think about him lying in bed next to me buckass naked, lecturing me about my fertility. Like he actually gives a fuck! It’s just funny.

It literally feels like he picked me up by my scorpion tail and checked my underbelly for eggs. It was so weirdly invasive and frankly, way too intimate for a one-night stand. Everything we did was way too intimate for a one-night stand. I just can’t be doing that with strangers anymore. I need an actual partner, for sure.

I’ve been with many men in my life, but none of them ever did anything like that. That was so crazy. Yes, he was really something. I am still thinking about him to this very day. It was an Experience. As with most of my experiences in the last year, I was left alone thinking to myself, “Wow, what was that?”

It was…

Yeah.

Upon further reflection, I can see why the experience was so unsettling for me. I was just sitting there and then suddenly, out of nowhere, here comes this man with impossible amounts of charm and charisma and confidence. He is clearly only seducing me for the purposes of meaningless business trip sex, yet he spends the entire time talking about intimate topics such as marriage and the meaning of partnership and then gives me a fucking lecture about my fertility right at the end. And then he just… fucks off and disappears into a void forever. What the fuck is that? That’s bullshit, that’s what it is. Men are so fucked up. Seriously. Stop picking up random, unsuspecting women at bars who are innocent and looking for love in all the wrong places and get a therapist instead. Ridiculous.

Men are dumb and annoying and this is why I don’t like them. They’re just liars and whores. I’m over it.

Okay, that aside, did anything else weird happen last night? Yes, yes it did. We did not go to the 7/11 on Peel Street because it was raining. Instead, we took a seat at the open corner bar right across the street. The people at this bar were… questionable at best.

There was one woman in there and she was 100% giving crackhead vibes. The Brazilian guy sitting next to her looked at my friend and I like we were fresh meat on a stick. He immediately approached us like he was ready to carve off a slice, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, sure, he was hot and Brazilian and a tennis coach, but the whole situation around us was really not doing it for me. I felt like I was being seduced in Rio by a hottie with a body, only to be robbed of my valuables later. Not into it.

Then his South African friend appeared and asked us if we wanted to go to the jungle with him. Like, hell no, dude. I’ve learned enough about South Africa in the last year to know that I don’t want to go anywhere with you, let alone to “the jungle,” whatever that might be.

I wanted to leave, but this Brazilian dude kept talking and talking and talking and had us blocked in. It was making me nervous, to be honest. Finally, we escaped and went back to my rooftop for a bit. Then my friend went home and I went to bed. No blackouts, no side quests, no unhinged social media posts. Good job, me. Way to act like an actual adult, for once.

This is about the time my friend asked me why I drink so much. The truth is painful. It’s because I was really sad and really lonely and really angry for a very, very, very, very long time. I was not in a position where I could change my life for the better because I was unable to escape the toxic situation I was in. I turned to alcohol and weed because they were the only way I could cope with the fact that I felt like shit every day and had no power to change even though I desperately wanted to.

Now I have changed everything, but the physical chemical addiction and bad habits remain. I recognize that it’s holding me back and causing me serious harm at this point. But… you know… it’s not something I can just stop on my own anymore. The monkey on my back is running the show right now. I know that. I’m not proud of it. I don’t like it. I want to change it. But, you know… rehab is expensive, I live in a foreign country, and I don’t have healthcare back home. It is what it is.

I can only do what I can to minimize consumption at this point. I already killed my 7/11 habit and now I’ve learned the hard way that some people, places, and situations are safer than others. It’s not a good idea to go out alone. It doesn’t end well. It’s not safe. Furthermore, when I go out with my friends, I should feel comfortable enough with them to be sober. I shouldn’t have to hit a three drink minimum before I feel comfortable being myself. What is wrong with me?

This I say as I sit and my favourite brunch place drinking a mimosa to take the edge off from last night. Ridiculous.

Anyway, someday I will turn all of this into a TV show. Who doesn’t love a fatal flaw in a leading character? It’ll be just like Emily in Paris, if Emily struggled with alcoholism behind the scenes. Sort of. I don’t know. I’m still studying teleplay writing at the University of Netflix. I’ll get back to you later.

Speaking of Netflix, I am going home to change into my sweats and curl up in bed with season 2 of Running Point. It’s so rainy and gross out today. It’s the perfect day to rot in bed.

Have a good one!

BLOG: The Weekend Update

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Monday.

It was quite the weekend, wasn’t it? You know shit’s going down when I don’t post for two days in a row. So much to document. This is why I have to write daily or I will forget.

Friday night was… the most interesting. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting it to be since the vast majority was pretty lame. I watched Remarkably Bright Creatures, which made me cry my eyes out. I think I may have watched something else before that which also made me cry, but I can’t fully remember. Whatever it was also made me cry. I actually spent most of my night crying. That’s what I remember about it, lol.

It’s not a good weekend for me. It was my dead dad’s birthday and Mother’s Day. Not so fun for me. So I just planned to stay in and cry about it because I didn’t want to put that energy onto anyone else by going out in public.

Sometime around 3am, I decided to go up to the rooftop for a smoke. As I was coming back to the stairway, I heard someone coming up the stairs. I looked down to confirm it was my hot beefcake neighbor. I noticed he was staring at his phone and had his earbuds in. I decided to use the opportunity to scare him since that’s our little inside joke now. We are always startling each other unexpectedly, though I suspect he’s done it on purpose now at least once or twice. The last time was definitely intentional.

I decided to take revenge. I hid behind the door so he couldn’t see me. When he reached the top, I jumped out at him and yelled “Boo!” I got the full movie jump scare out of him. He genuinely looked terrified! I was laughing so hard! It was so funny! Just what I needed after a long night of crying…

It took him a minute or two to recover. Once he had regained his composure, he gave me a look I can only describe as “smoldering” and said, “Ohhh, you’re in trouble now. I’m gonna get you back. I am going to wreck you. Just absolutely wreck you. One of these days, I’m gonna come out here when you’re doing yoga and sneak up on you and absolutely ruin you.”

….

…….

………….

………………….

……………………………….

…..

………..

…

………………..

……….

…

Ummm… okay. Why does that sound less like a threat and more like a sexual innuendo? Is this one of these British English vs American English kind of situations? What’s going on here? What’s he actually saying? Am I supposed to be turned on right now? Because I’m actually kind of turned on right now.

As I was relaying this part of the story to my friend later, she raised her eyebrow and smirked at me.

“I think your neighbor has a thing for you,” she said.

“Maybe. I don’t know. Does saying ‘I’m going to wreck you’ mean something different in British? Because in America, that’s a very strong, very sexually-charged statement to make.”

My friend just laughed at me.

“Yeah, it means the same thing in British.”

“So he’s saying he wants to bang me?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Hmm. Interesting.”

Back to the rooftop. We ended up sitting out there chatting for like an hour and a half. He said to me, “You know, you are the strangest person I have ever met. I can’t figure you out at all. You’re such a little weirdo. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Well, you know us Americans. We’re all very strange and exotic to properly uptight British lads like yourself. It’s A Thing. They’re all into Asian girls until the moment they meet an American, and then it’s like, “Ooooooh, an American. I’m obsessed with Americans and America. I love America! I want to be American! If I put my penis inside of you, will I absorb your magical powers of Freedom, Liberty, and Justice for All?”

My British Guy in Bangkok was like this as well. He was utterly obsessed with my Americanness. Then he ran off with some Thai girl to an island and was never seen or heard from again. I don’t think he knows what he wants, tbh.

Anyway, so, back to my neighbor. He started asking me all these questions about South Dakota. This is also A Thing I’ve noticed with people who have fascinations with Americans. They hear me say “South Dakota” and they think Ye Olde Western Frontier. Cowboy boots. Gunslingers. Old-timey dive bars with a piano player and bathtub bourbon. Aces and Eights! The whole thing!

Truly, not that far off from reality, if you want my professional opinion.

So obviously the last thing I want to talk about to anyone ever is motherfucking South Dakota. Unfortunately, it turns out there is a whole untapped international market that is obsessed with it and wants to know everything there is to know about it. It is what it is. I could be angry, or I could exploit my 17 years of experience and knowledge for ca$$$h money, baby! What do you think I’ll end up choosing in the end?

As I mentioned previously, my neighbor is an Actor. He says he usually plays bad guys in Chinese movies. I told him he could also play bad guys in Bollywood movies since he’s British. He said, “No, I want to play a gunslinger in a movie about the American West.” Okay, okay, I can see it, I can see it. Let’s just sit here on the rooftop and work through this concept together until we have a decent script.

The story we ultimately worked out is basically just the male version of The Holiday. I have a friend back in SD who has the same name as my neighbor. We’ll use a fake name here to protect their identities: Dave. So this movie is temporarily titled “Dave vs. Dave.” Still working that one out.

In this movie, Hong Kong Dave and South Dakota Dave are both bored with their lives and looking for a change. They meet on an Internet forum and decide to trade lives. HK Dave goes to South Dakota, where he lives in SD Dave’s tiny house, drives his big pick-up truck, works at a dive bar on the edge of town, wears cowboy boots every day, and carries a gun around on his hip for absolutely no reason other than the fact that it looks cool.

Meanwhile, SD Dave goes to Hong Kong, where he lives in HK Dave’s tiny shoebox apartment and works as an actor. We get to see him scaling the bamboo scaffolding and doing kung fu and going on crazy car chases across the bridge to Kowloon and fighting off the Triads.

I sent this pitch to SD Dave and he absolutely LOVED it. He was like, “Can we make this actually happen?” IDK, maybe. I suppose anything is possible, right?

Right.

Sometime around 4:30am, we decided to call it a night. I was slightly disappointed that he did not make a move, but again, I suspect he has a girlfriend even though he says, “She’s not my girlfriend. She’s just a girl I see sometimes.” Sooooo basically… she’s your girlfriend, lol.

Men. Lol.

So that was Friday.

On Saturday, I went out with my girl friend, whose identity I prefer to protect by not “making her into a character.” We have talked about this. I told her that I mention in my blog that we frequently go out to different places together, but she’s not a “character” and I don’t write about her life. She’s cool with it.

So we went out for lunch, then we went up to The Sketchy Place. It was actually her suggestion. I had my doubts, but I mulled it over during lunch and decided it was a good idea to check in again after a month to see what’s up. As we were walking up, both of us had some doubts, but we decided to go through with it in the end.

Several mysteries were solved on this occasion. First, I figured out how I got “lost” and “separated” from her the last time we were there. It turns out, the bathroom is in a weird location. You have to walk back through the kitchen to get to it. If you come out and turn left immediately, there is an open door to the alleyway outside that splits into two directions. If you turn right, you go back through the kitchen and out into the bar. As soon as I saw this, I realized that what had happened before was that I was really drunk and confused and somehow got “lost” in this alleyway. I get lost in the dumbest ways in HK. It’s a real thing.

The second mystery we solved was the question of whether or not this place is frequented by drug dealers. The answer is yes. I saw the same guy from The Wolf who had given the coke to the Finance Bro I was with at the time. I observed him for some time. He kept going in and out, making phone calls, and “shaking hands” with randoms on the street. It appeared to be an open secret among the regulars there. Everyone knew what he was doing and nobody cared. It’s like… yeah, duh, that’s why he’s here.

The group of people he was with were the same sketchy crew of long-term expats as before. Once I sat in observation of their dynamic without involving myself, I understood exactly what was going on.

Somehow, our tab was mysteriously “taken care of,” even though we did not actually socialize much with anyone else that night. I don’t know who paid it. Was it the MAusGA guy? Was it my Irish friend? Was it someone else? We have no idea. All we know is that we didn’t have to pay for jack shit.

Hmm… I see your bribe for what it is and willingly accept it. I will no longer be reporting on The Sketchy Place. Really, what else is there to say? Everyone knows the daily consumption of Coke & Special K are an open secret in the Finance World. It is what it is. What else is there to say?

So at this point, I was pretty wasted. I know better than to daydrink with wine, but I was daydrinking wine. Questionable choices were made! All I can say is: Nothing good ever happens at the 7/11 by Peel Street. It is what it is!!!!

I made a deal not to write about what happened with the other person involved. We agreed it was a mistake and to just hit reset and move on. I am open to making deals with people not to use them as characters in my writing. You just have to approach it the right way. You’ll get much further by being respectful than you will by going on the attack. Going into Attack Mode against me will make it 1000x more likely that I’ll write about you. I reserve the right to defend myself at all times. My way of defending myself is with a Pen, not a Sword. It is what it is.

This is part of the reason why I ignored the Russian when he said he didn’t want to me to write about him. Okay, well, maybe you should have thought about that more before you used me for cheap work trip sex, tossed me aside like I was nothing, and then blocked me as soon as you got off the plane in Switzerland.

All of that says, “I have no respect for you as a human being.” So why would I have any respect for you in return? Fuck you, bro. I’ll write a story about you fighting a bear with your shirt off if I want to. What are you going to do? Cancel me for being a big, strong, alpha female?

*blows raspberry in his general direction*

Anyway, I was soooo hungover yesterday. It was not a good thing. I can’t live my life this way anymore. I am getting too old for this. My body absolutely fucking hates me right now. I need to do a cleanse. I need to do yoga. I need to drink some water and eat some fruit. Just… ugh.

I still have not made a decision about Cambodia. I need to do that like, today. I can’t just ghost this person. It’s been almost a week. I need to send them a response.

It’s hard. I love Hong Kong. I really want to make it work. I can see myself living here long-term. But I also feel like… this work trade in Cambodia is a rare opportunity and I should take it just for the experience. Cambodia is so beautiful. It has such a tragic backstory. It’s complicated. I want the chance to explore it. Isn’t that the point of coming to SEA? I gotta See the SEA! That’s why I’m here!

Plus, it might be good for me to go teach yoga and be out of the city and just do a little reset/detox to figure out my next steps. This year has been stressful and confusing. I’m so grateful to have left SD behind, but it’s been a lot.

I don’t know. I have to decide. I’m gonna do yoga on my rooftop and figure it out from there. I’ll just make sure my neighbor isn’t home first so he can’t sneak up on me and scare me, lol!

I told him this morning that he missed out on his revenge. I was walking down the stairs in my building and a GIGANTIC cockroach fell from the sky and bounced off my shoulder. I SCREAMED so loud that the entire building heard me.

I messaged him to tell him this story and he said, “Ah yes, I heard your shriek. I suspected that’s what happened. This is why I told you not to use the stairs.”

I was just trying to get my steps in, bro. Jesus. I hate cockroaches. They’re so gross. So gross! EWWWWW!!!!!

Phew! What a long post! What a weekend! What a life!

I really do love it. Even on the days when I’m sad and struggling and lost and confused. I love my life. I love Hong Kong. I love SEA. I feel so incredibly lucky to be here. I am grateful every single day. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, for better or for worse. I never, ever thought I would live in Hong Kong (or Bangkok, for that matter). I wouldn’t trade this adventure for anything in the world.

Off now. I need to tidy up my studio and run errands and do all the boring stuff now. Not every day can be an adventure. Most days are very routine and boring. But still… I can’t help but find myself falling more in love with Hong Kong every day…

Have a good day!

BLOG: The Cure for Loneliness

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Sunday afternoon. Chillin’ in my apartment on a rainy day. There is something very cozy about rainy days in Hong Kong. The thunder is rolling in, the lightning is flashing, the rain is pounding against the pavement, the streets are slowly filling up with water and flooding. It’s the perfect day to stay inside and cozy up with a cup of tea and Netflix.

I feel much better after this weekend. I was very depressed last week. However, I went out and socialized. Hung out with my neighbor on the rooftop on Friday, went out for dinner with my girl friend last night, had brunch with my Irish friend today. Chatted with my best friend on Instagram. It turns out the cure for loneliness is, in fact, friendship!

My friend and I went to a Lebanese restaurant last night for dinner. The food was delicious! I love Lebanese. My friend is a great person to go out to eat with because she has strong opinions about the subject of food. As a foodie, I personally feel this is the best kind of friend to have.

I asked her if she wanted to go to this French place I’ve been dying to try. She said, “No, I want Lebanese.” I sent her suggestions for four different restaurants. She sent me a voice note back with strong opinions about all of them. The one she chose was really good. I officially trust her judgement on this matter.

We went to the French place afterward for dessert and drinks. They have the most fabulous patio! The design of the whole place was soooooooo Parisian! It was straight outta France! The best part was that all of the waiters were extremely good-looking men. All of them. They were wearing the little suits and everything. It was incredible. I was really hoping they would all form a kickline and break out into a Beauty and the Beast style musical number.

After they closed, we walked down to the 7-11 on Peel Street to pick up some cigs and sat outside watching the crowd. At that point, it was about 1am, so everyone was pretty messy. The crowd was mostly skewing very young. Big “spring semester internship abroad” energy, if you know what I’m saying. More fun to watch from afar than be part of. I was watching a live feed of the crowd on Peel Street last weekend and thinking I was missing out on a vital Hong Kong experience. Now I know it’s just the Hong Kong version of Char Thirty, lol.

This morning, I went out to brunch with my Irish friend. He’s pretty chill. I don’t know how to explain the vibe there. It’s very… familiar. It’s like hanging around with a cousin. I am learning a lot from him. Brunch vibes. It’s definitely the same feeling that I felt when I was with my Irish Family in Bangkok. Friends come in all forms. That’s one of the lessons I’m learning here in SEA.

He asked me how I was feeling about The Russian. I said it was still bothering me a lot. He said, “You must have really liked him.” No, I did not, actually. Somehow I remain frustrated about the entire situation. I think maybe what both of us really wanted was an actual emotional connection and it just wasn’t possible in that specific situation, so it’s just upsetting me and annoying me that I did that when I should have just held out for something deeper and more meaningful. It’s less about the man himself and more about my frustration with the entire situation.

We changed the subject after that. He was telling me about the trip he took to Hanoi, Vietnam. He stayed in this old French colonial palace. Sooo jealous. I want to go to Vietnam so bad. Everyone just raves about it! But I have to wait. I need to get my career shit together. No more running off on adventures until I get my job/career/income situation together. Once I have income and stability, I can run off to Vietnam or Cambodia later.

As I am constantly reminding myself every day, I did not just come to Hong Kong on a whim. My life dream has always been to live in a big international city and have a successful career and live in a fabulous apartment. I am here now. I can succeed at this if I just give it the old college try. I can do this. I have friends who are supporting me on my journey. I can ask for help whenever I need it. It’s going to be okay.

I can do this.

I think it’s really easy for me to fall down into a pit of despair and spiral into anxiety mode. I’m grateful that I had so many friends around me this weekend to raise me back up and knock some sense back into my head. I think the biggest lesson I’m learning as an Expat is that we are never really alone. We all have to be there for each other and support each other. I’m not the only one who experiences these feelings of sadness and loneliness or being lost and faraway from home. There’s a whole community. I can’t be afraid to put myself out there and be part of it just because I’ve had a few weird interactions. There will always be some who to help you out when you need it.

After this weekend, I felt a sense of renewed hope. I’ve just been feeling so down. Now it’s like… okay, I can do this. They call it the Hong Kong Hustle for a reason. Get up off your ass and work!

Going to make a cup of tea and re-watch Eat Pray Love for the billionth time now. The main character is really annoying, but I’ve noticed over several re-watches that she’s sort of written in a way that makes it easy to project yourself onto the character and imagine your own journey unfolding across Italy, India, and Bali instead.

I remember I used to watch it and just dream and dream and dream of traveling. I could have never, ever have conceived of myself going to India or Bali, but now I’ve been to both. Now I live in fricking Hong Kong! And before that, I was living in Thailand! Amazing! I am doing The Thing. I am doing The Eat Pray Love Thing. Go me!

Maybe not every day is a good day, but all that matters is that I did it. I’ve done it. I’m out here doing it. I am Living the Dream. Now let’s keep the dream alive and find ourselves an income!

We’ll worry about that tomorrow. For now, it’s time to curl up in my blanket with a tea and enjoy reflecting upon my journey.

Happy Sunday!

BLOG: SEA of Sharks

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Friday. Back at the coffee shop. I haven’t been here all week due to a combination of heavy rainfall and general malaise. Just pushing myself back into action, no matter what it takes.

Another week, another round of dead applications that went absolutely nowhere. Fabulous. Apparently the only jobs I can get are with evil companies that intentionally hire desperate idiots like me so they can exploit them. Self-esteem in the toilet. Wonderful. I definitely feel good about myself right now!

I know, I know. It’s not me. It’s the whole damn system that’s wrong. I just can’t help but wonder why I am cursed with such bad luck when it comes to jobs? It doesn’t help that my parents forced me to go to university at a place where there were no opportunities available to me because the level of discrimination against Outsiders in General is so high in South Dakota.

I have no idea what they were thinking, truly. I don’t think they were. It’s very clear their only priority at the time was Control. Well, they got to keep Control over their adult daughter, who ultimately ended up going nowhere and doing nothing with her life so she could forever be The Scapegoat. And then they complained about that too. So, whatever.

You see what kind of negative emotional cycles I get caught up in? Ugh. I really need to go back to school, if only so I can replace all of the terrible memories I have of undergrad with shiny, new happy memories and an actual professional track headed for success.

So much success waiting for me in a world full of crazy billionaire reptile people who name their shit after Lord of the Rings characters and go on unhinged, ketamine-fueled rants about replacing human beings with robots. Can’t wait!

Well, I’m sure it would help if I tried more. For example, this week I signed up for a networking event with a women’s professional group here. Did I go to it? No, I did not, because I had a major league anxiety attack while I was getting ready and completely spiraled. I am my own worst enemy at this point!

I just don’t know how to put that mask on and pretend to be the person I need to be to find professional success in this world. I can only be one version of me. Unfortunately, it’s the very publicly messy version that everyone loves to turn into their own personal target practice. It is what it is.

Okay, well, in the spirit of continuing to try, I registered for another Big Networking Event here in two weeks time. Should give me enough time to ride the emotional breakdown roller coaster 17 times before I put on my big girl pants and show up anyway. Then I can hold the mask up for like, one whole day maximum before it falls off again and everyone runs away from me in fear of their lives because I am basically just one massive walking red flag at this point. Yay!

Self-awareness FTW.

I feel like what I really need to do right now in order to get my mindset right for Hong Kong is to watch a nature documentary about sharks. Just sharks. All the sharks. Everyone says Hong Kong is like a shark tank. Right now, I am basically just stranded in the ocean, bleeding out emotionally all over the place, attracting the swarm of predators straight to me, and watching them circle around as I tread water. I need to be a shark. In order to catch the shark, we must be the shark. I must put myself into the mind of a shark. I must behave like a shark.

I don’t know if I can do that. Right now I feel like a Nurse shark. Just cruising around the bottom levels, minding my own business, not particularly interested in attacking anyone unless provoked. There’s definitely a significant record of attacks with my species, but they only happen when provoked.

I need to be more like… a Tiger shark. I need to be aggressive and go for what I want. Just sink my teeth in it and thrash around in a firm refusal to let go, even if what I’ve grabbed onto is actually a surfboard instead of a seal.

I will not be eating the shark fin soup to acquire this power, lol. I watched the Seaspiracy while I was doing magic mushroom therapy last year. Yeah, that’s not happening. I don’t really do the whole seafood thing. That was a horror movie I will not soon forget.

I secretly wonder if another round of magic mushroom therapy would help me clear out the family stuff. It was pretty effective for helping me work through all of my Troubled Teen Industry stuff. It wasn’t fun to have to go through intense exposure therapy like that, but it was extremely effective. I have no idea how I would do that here though. I wonder if there’s a scientific study I could participate in? I wish I could donate my brain to science. Somebody, please, study this crazy shit so we can all finally understand why it’s so abnormal.

It’s such a nice day today. I’m feeling really good about myself in my new pink v-neck and shrimp crimp. This pink is really nice. This fast fashion place I went to yesterday had some actual colors aside from neutral earth tones, so I was very excited. I got pink, burgundy, raspberry, purple. I got some v-necks and halters that flatter my neckline better.

It’s kinda crazy how much healthier and happier I look wearing these colors. I didn’t realize how much the all-black was washing me out and making me look like a vampire. Wearing the pink brings out all the rosiness in my skintone and compliments the dark hair. The sales person really knew what they were talking about when they pulled this top off the rack at random…

Color Theory: It’s Legit AF.

Also, I love shopping in Asia because the clothes are all made for tiny, petite people like me instead of giant Glamazons with impossibly long legs and gigantic fake boobs. As one shop girl in Bangkok said as she pulled some clothes off the rack with a smile beaming on her face, “You Thai Girl Size!”

Yes, yes I am. Show me the wholesale textiles and down me in them. I can’t help myself…

BLOG: Escape to Thailand

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , Leave a comment

Monday.

I have not written in a few days. Not much to say today. I am feeling pretty depressed in general. I don’t know if it’s me or the general Hong Kong vibe. It is ranked as one of the least happiest cities on Planet Earth…

Currently sitting on the patio at a Thai restaurant near my house.

They are taking forever to get my order. I’m not actually convinced my server is ever going to return to the table. I hope she does, because I am really, really hungry, and really, really sad, and I would like more for dinner than just a Singha. Sadly, they do not have my beloved Chang…

Otherwise the atmosphere is quite nice. It really does remind me of Bangkok. Living green walls, an abundance of tropical plants, hanging strings of lights, laid-back, chillax vibes. I’m a fan!

I miss Bangkok sometimes, but I don’t miss the overwhelming Loser Energy hanging in the air. It motivates me to be a better version of myself, but it’s also depressing. Hong Kong definitely has a Winner Vibe, which, in turn, makes me feel like a loser 99% of the time. I am just floating here without meaning or purpose. It’s depressing AF.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life! I’m just sending applications into a void, never to be seen or heard from ever again. So much for starting my life over in a brand new city on the other side of the world. I don’t regret trying though! It’s better than staying locked up in South Dakota forever.

Seriously though, I’ve been sitting here for like 15 minutes. Are they ever going to come back and take my order? I’m so confused right now. Maybe the waitress ran off with some old sugar daddy mid-shift. That’s what I would do.

Finally got my order in after giving the bartender multiple “Please Sir, Take Pity on Me” looks. Pad Thai officially on the way. Yes, I know it’s a psy-op. Let’s hope it’s worth the wait.

Good News: My food came about 5 minutes after I ordered it. It was, indeed worth the wait. I was so hungry. Sometimes on nights like this, I feel like I’m trying to feed my soul more than my body. I just feel so empty inside all the time.

I’ve been meditating every day for the last few weeks over it. So far I’ve had a vision of my (deceased) Irish grandmother, a vision of myself doing yoga in the mountains, and a vision of being with my mysterious future husband who better show up soon because I am REALLY tired of The Island of Lost Guys. Not getting much as far as the whole “career/money” issue goes. I am just drawing a big fat blank.

I can’t believe I’ve been in SEA for almost 11 full months now. Wow! Where has the time gone? Jesus. Safe to say Asia has kicked my ass and handed it back to me on a platter. I made so many stupid mistakes this year. Learned a lot of hard lessons. Met some great people and some not-so-great people. Learned a lot of love, romance, and sex. Spent way too much money. Wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.

I did talk to my brother earlier today, finally. I haven’t spoken to him in a few weeks. We have been fighting over dumb shit that doesn’t matter, so I decided to be the bigger person and apologize first. I always apologize to him first, even when he is wrong, just so I can stop the conflict. I hate fighting with him. I’m happy I talked to him.

I’ve been feeling so, so, so lonely. I hung out with two different friends yesterday and I still felt hopelessly alone at the end of the night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just haven’t been feeling right since my date with the Russian. I try to tell myself it wasn’t a mistake and I don’t regret it, but I kind of do. I should have held out for true love instead of romping around in the sheets for one night only with yet another rando. Alas.

Then again, I’m just happy to be rid of the previous “obsession.” It was driving me up the wall. All I did there was trade one stag out for another. It’s all the same in the end. It doesn’t really matter which one I’m obsessed with at the moment. It’s all the same in the end.

I think I will head home to bed now. I am very tired. Lost and tired and sad. It is what it is…

BLOG: Shark Fin Soup

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Friday. At the coffee shop. It’s raining today. It rained all last night. The construction was still going on outside until about 2am when the rain started, so the very loud sounds of the drilling were replaced by impossibly loud, extremely terrifying thunder claps. Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep last night.

Instead I stayed up late into the night vision boarding and life planning. I was looking at everything I was doing this time last year before Hong Kong. So much hope for the future, lol. Looking back now, I can see why I immediately fell into a deep depression when that first TEFL job went off the rails. Mistake! It wasn’t my fault. This company has a terrible reputation here in Hong Kong!

Still, most people I’ve met out here are better about jumping back fast. It took me more time than I thought it would to jump back. Then again, I was carrying a lot with me when I came here. Like I’ve said, it took me six months just to feel safe in the fact that I don’t have to go back to SD. There was also the breakup, all of the unprocessed feelings about my dad’s death, etc etc etc. I was in pretty rough shape.

Luckily for me, Bali and Thailand’s expertise is nursing sick water buffalo like me back to health, so here I am now. Back in Hong Kong. Recovering after a mysterious set of injuries appeared after I blacked out at the Sevens. Grand.

The good news is that I did get another ping from a source regarding the shadiness of one of those bars, so I’m not wrong to be concerned there might be more to the story. Maybe I was actually followed and attacked? It’s not out of the realm of possibility. I guess I would rather think I fell down the stairs because it’s a more pleasant version of reality…

Anyway, going over my old Pinterest boards always kicks my ass back into gear. I had a plan once. I had motivation. I had goals and dreams and a notebook full of financial worksheets and fancy charts. All of my academic dreams are well within my reach. Ireland is within my reach. The whole world is within my reach. I just have to work for it.

Let’s just channel The Russian’s energy here for a second, just to help me be less messy for five seconds. This is a person who is very educated, has traveled extensively, and started his own business. This is basically just the male version of the person I would like to be. It’s a good thing I fucked him, because now I have his energy inside me and I can be more like that.

It’s like how some Chinese people snort ground up rhino horns or eat shark fin soup or whatever. They do it because they think they’re absorbing the power of that animal. This is my new strategy with men: absorb the power of the animal, which in this case is a scorpion. So just more of the same, but manlier, lol.

That’s actually not limited to the Chinese at all. Wasn’t there an English king who ate a lion’s heart because he thought it would make him more powerful in the Crusades or something? Yeah, Richard the Lionheart. From Robin Hood. I think? Somebody fact check that for me later. I’m in the middle of a flow and now I’m moving on to the part about West African War Lords in eating children’s hearts and snorting gunpowder or whatever.

Hmm… I think I’m starting to figure out why men are so afraid of women, lol.

Anyway, that was a neurodivergent side quest into history. Side bar over. What was I talking about again? Absorbing Finance Bro energy to make myself stronger and more powerful? Yeah, that sounds about right. Somehow this has something to do with making vision boards on Pinterest. I have no idea, lol. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. Or maybe I just haven’t finished my coffee yet.

I think my goal for the day was to re-do my resume for the billionth time, split it into multiple versions, and start sending it out, again. I was using a local job board, but I have gotten nothing back from it, so I’m switching to a different tactic. Be open. Embrace the chaos. Get that passport stamped. Worry less, travel more. See the world! Save money! Go back to school! Write about it all later!

Hmm.

Too bad The Russian ghosted me. I’m sure he would really appreciate me comparing his dick to illegally-poached ivory products and shark fin soup. I can imagine him doubled over laughing hysterically on the red leather couch right now.

Alas.

I just have to remember: I am not helpless. I am awesome! I am empowered! I’ve made it this far, and by this far, I mean traveling to a dozen countries in two years, attending two yoga teacher training courses in India and Bali, surviving life in Hong Kong after a failed TEFL job, finding my inspiration to write again while briefly living in Bangkok, and adding more characters to my Island of Lost Guys along the way.

I’d say I’m doing pretty well for someone who was intentionally pushed into a mental breakdown after her father died by her incredibly sick-minded co-workers from Starbucks for entertainment. That was three years ago! Wow! And where are those jerks now? Well, one of them definitely went to jail for assault, so there you have it!

Thank god I escaped that place. I hated South Dakota so much. There are no words. I don’t know what’s wrong with those people. They choose conflict and drama every time. Now that I’m far away from it and I don’t have to deal with it anymore or be an active target, I can see how wrong it really was. Sick, sick, sick people. Just sick, twisted, and evil.

Okay. Forget all of that. It’s hard. I still try to drown it out every day. It still affects my confidence. I still have flashbacks about the days I was constantly being attacked online, at work, around town, by my family, by my exes. It went on for years and years and years and years. It’s not easy to forget. I just have to keep adding new memories, new languages, new travels, new stories, new media, new everything to my brain to replace it all.

It is like Kim Kardashian says. “You just need to do so many photoshoots. The good pictures will replace all the bad pictures and soon everyone will forget the bad pictures altogether.”

I can’t remember if she said that in the show or if she said it to me in a dream. That happens sometimes. I have dreams about her coming to me and giving me life advice. Kim K and Paris Hilton. It’s a whole thing. Judge me all you want. I don’t care. I’m willing to take the L on this one. I shamelessly Keep Up and I have no regrets about it.

Okay, I had a mission today. That mission is to get up off my ass and work. Try to find a way to keep the past from haunting me forever. Move forward. Find a new job. Live a new life. Save money. Go back to school. The whole jam.

Motivated AF!

The Chinese guy sitting next to me at the cafe just looked at the bottom of his mug and read his foam the same way one would read tea leaves. How fun! I’m going to try that now. Let’s see what comes up…

Ohhhhhh I definitely got a heart! And a snake. So love is coming, but there will be obstacles along the way. No worries. That’s why I’ve got not one, but two statues of Ganesha, as well as a giant rainbow tapestry depicting him. Obstacles? No problem! We’ll be cruising on through like we’re on a TukTuk ride through New Delhi at rush hour!

BLOG: See the SEA

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Thursday. Where does the time go? I do not know.

I am early to the coffee shop today. Early meaning 10:15am. Normally I come around lunchtime because the streets are busier and much more fun to watch. Today I came early just because I woke up at sunrise, a rarity for me here in Hong Kong.

I am doing a little bit better today. I went out for pizza on the patio last night, which I have not done in over a month. I’ve been going out to different places and trying new things in an effort to cease my reliance on my Western comforts. That being said, one can only eat rice and noodles for so long before they need a slice of pizza with hot sauce and a cup of ranch on the side.

In the case of Thailand, this particular craving manifests as a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of coleslaw and ketchup. I would never, ever eat such a thing in the US. But in Bangkok? Hell yes, give me that shit, I haven’t seen a single tomato in weeks.

I also did a really intense 3-hour Tibetan Buddhist meditation session last night. The drilling on the street was going until pretty late, so I put on my headphones and some chanting and vibed. I had a vision I was doing yoga in Rishikesh. I had a notebook with me full of bucket list items that I was checking off. A nice little reminder that I am, in fact, living my life to the fullest. It’s okay to give myself some space for rest.

Overall, I feel good about my decision to stay in SEA, for now. There is so much more to see and do! Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Taiwan, Singapore, Japan, Korea, Mainland China, the Phillippeans, and, of course, everywhere in Thailand outside of Bangkok. I can go back West to study another time.

Everyone says the first year abroad is the hardest. I would agree with this. It’s been a lot of ups and downs. I’ve seen a mix of beautiful things and things no human being should ever see. It’s been an adventure I wouldn’t trade for the world. Resubscribe me for another year!

Now, if only my job applications would stop disappearing into the void. I need to find work, ASAP.

Anything to distract me from the intrusive thoughts I am having about The Russian. Ugh. Men. So annoying. I thought if I dated guys who just got on a plane and left, it would be much easier to cut the cord. However, this guy has proven it is not so easy, which sucks because I’m pretty sure he’s never coming back! So sad.

Why did I allow myself to be swept off my feet by his overwhelming charm? Probably because it had been five months since the Hot Beef Stew. I was ready to get him out of my system and fantasize about someone else! LOL! Well, I definitely got what I asked for. I am merely sitting in observation of my feelings now. I allow them to exist, but I take no action regarding them. There is no action to take. He is gone. The story is over. The End!

Anyway. Forget him. Let us focus on what is necessary and important: job hunting. Forever and always!

We need to step it up. Do the Hong Kong Hustle, as they say.

I have no idea how I live here some days. You’d think with my current energy levels, I’d be much happier rotting on a beach somewhere in Thailand or Vietnam. However, being here in Hong Kong and soaking up the professional vibes is good for me. It’s motivating. It’s inspiring. It pushes me to be something better than I am. That’s what I need right now in my life. I want to move up to the next level.

Just push me up the escalator to that next level. One more staircase, one more hill, just keep climbing and climbing and climbing until I reach the top…

BLOG: Irish at SEA

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Tuesday, later in the day. Still in a daze. Somehow made it over to the Kowloon side to hit up the Irish pub. Nothing a bit o’ stew and a pint can’t fix, am I right?

No, you don’t understand. This is not alcohol. This is Guinness. It’s not the same. I can’t explain that! Either way, I know I’m not about to put down six pints of Guinness is one sitting. That’s just not physically possible for me. I might get through a second one if I’m lucky, lol. I might. It’s too heavy for me. That’s why I’m drinking it.

The bartender was very happy to see me. I haven’t been here since St. Patrick’s Day. She asked me how I’ve been. I said, “Oh, ya know, just out collecting ridiculous stories, as always.”

She smiled at me knowingly and answered in her deep Welsh accent, “Well, my dear, you only have one life. Better live it as best you can!”

I gave her a sheepish smile as I imagined myself tumbling down the stairs after getting shitfaced at the bar around the corner from my apartment. It would be funny if it wasn’t sad!

Speaking of sad, I just had to sit down and write my letter to the Galway people explaining that I can’t come up with the money I need for the summer program in time. I explained about my desire to come to Ireland and inquired about longer-term programs with more potential for financial aid I could look at instead.

Maybe we can’t make a month work, but we can make a year work!

We have not given up yet!

And if I can’t make it work, I guess I’ll just fly to Chiang Mai and go live in exile with Hermès, my weirdo black sheep cousin from the North who no one talks to. I’ll be like, “What up, cuz? How you like dem snakes?”

LMFAO! I kid, I kid.

I’m just saying… Thailand *is* still an option, and it’s not the worst option, either! I can still live my best Irish life in Bangkok if I want to. And I would actually get to attend the Emerald Ball. We’re not at the end of this rope yet!

Now that would make a funny book: living in Thailand for a full year, desperately trying to cobble together some understanding of Irish culture from a bunch of people who already got on a plane and left in search of better weather. Then actually go to Ireland and fill in all the gaps I missed. I could call it “Irish at SEA.”

I would watch the shit out of that on Netflix. I really would.

I try to choose characters and stories I would be willing to invest time in. I watch way too much TV, as we all know. That’s why I secretly love being unemployed. More time for TV and movies so I can take notes on what’s working and what’s not!

Okay, I’m actually feeling much better about all of this already. I knew coming to the Pub would fix me right up. No problem. I ask you, my fellow Irish, who among us has not taken a bit of a tumble down a hill after too many drinks? You stumble, you fall, you get right back up and climb the hill again. It is what it is.

Exactly!

That’s what I’m saying, fam!

Now you know who I am in my soul. I got a great big kick in the head and I woke up zenned out, peaceful, ready to negotiate on financial aid, making back-up plans for my back-up plans. I still believe in love. I still have a sense of humor. I still believe I can make this ridiculous delusion of becoming a professional writer work.

Fabulous!

I thought I ordered food, but it hasn’t come yet. That’s weird because it’s very empty here. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough? That happens sometimes. I guess I can always try again. Once more, with feeling! And perhaps a side of garlic toast, as well.

Or maybe they saw the look on my face and thought, “This one needs a full pint first today.”

We don’t know what this one needs today. I suspect that if my dad were here, he would say I need to order the chocolate brownie. I suspect my grandmother would say the same.

Who even knows anymore?

Yeah, I don’t think that order got through. No worries! So it didn’t work out the first time around. So what? Next time it will, and it will come with the side of garlic toast and a chocolate brownie for dessert. This is the Irish way of things. Grand! Just grand!

Okay, yeah, I really do feel much better now. Like, actually. Nothing like the comfort of Irish culture to get us through the difficulties of life! 😀

UPDATE: They said no. No Ireland for me this year! Alas! And so I remain trapped in exile with the rest of the snakes. For now…

BLOG: Are You Okay?

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , Leave a comment

Monday. Is it Monday? I have lost all of April. Where did the time go?

How am I?

Not great. I definitely feel like I got the “Hong Kong Sevens Experience,” and by that I mean literally getting beaten up while playing the game on the field. Unfortunately, I was not injured during play. I was injured because I got too drunk and blacked out.

Based on my injuries, I’m pretty sure I fell down the stairs. And by that I mean the very steep 100+-year old stone stairs around the corner from my apartment that are literally carved into the hillside, leading up to next street.

Yeah. Ouch.

This is my theory. I don’t know for sure what happened. But whatever it was, it was bad. I have scrapes and cuts on my knees and elbows, cuts and scratches on my back, a very sore neck/shoulder combination, and a large bump on my head. Oh, and my favourite flower hair clip from Thailand that I was wearing was found completely smashed up, as if it had broken my fall.

Lovely!

How am I doing now? Well, my head is killing me. I’m very sore. I feel pretty disoriented. I’m not loving life at the moment. Yet somehow, I am awake and clean and dressed and sitting at the coffee shop with a smile on my face, writing to you all.

So this is the part where we say we are not drinking anymore, right? Right.

That.

We’ll see how that goes.

In the meantime, I’ll confine myself to bed with a large ice pack to the head. Lovely wake up call, is it not? Not exactly the junk boat party I was hoping for!

Well, Ireland might be expensive, but the weather also sucks. It rains all the time! At least I will be confined to my house reading and writing and doing research by the fireside wrapped in a cozy blanket and wearing fuzzy slippers instead of running around Hong Kong at night in a state of pure blackout.

Right…

My head definitely went to a strange place last night when I was laying down resting it upon a giant bag of ice. I kept thinking, “What if I die tonight? What if I do this again and I die next time? What if the injuries are worse? What if something truly terrible happens that I have absolutely no memory of? Is this the life you really want to lead? Of course it’s not! You need be serious and get your shit together now!”

In that moment, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I hate it when that happens. So much of it has been so sad. I want something completely new and different now. I want to change. I feel like I still have so much more left to give. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of my real potential. I’m just floating around out here in SEA in this weird limbo land, stuck somewhere between the past and the future.

I liked it better in Bangkok where the wine selection was terrible and alcohol was hard to get because 7-11 only sells it for like, four hours a day, and it’s always at a different time, and then there’s always a holiday so they’re not selling at all on those days, and yeah, guess what, you’re only option is to go to the American Bar and hang out with all the riff-raff. At least you’ll get a story out of it!

I do love Hong Kong. I really do. I just think I would like it better if I had a professional job or was a professional housewife to some Finance Bro.

I’m feeling very lost right now. Self-esteem in the toilet. The Russian said, “Be more kind to yourself.” So what do I turn around and do? Get drunk and fall down the stairs. Awesome. And we wonder why he ghosted us… lol. Not exactly a glowing candidate for the “40 Under 40 List,” am I?

It’s okay. As previously stated, I’m here. I got out of bed. I showered and dressed up and made myself look all pretty. I walked into the coffee shop with a smile on my face and chatted with the baristas just the same as always. I’m still feeling optimistic about life. I still believe in Love. I still think things will get better for me someday. I still believe I can manifest all of my dreams into coming true.

I think I have to go lie down soon. My head really hurts…

BLOG: Craic Dat Whip

Posted on Posted in BlogTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Saturday.

It’s Hong Kong Sevens weekend, which is one of the biggest rugby events in the world. I am not there because I am super lame and don’t have the right connections. Maybe I will be going out to people-watch with a friend later. We will see how it goes.

It’s okay. It’s just a lot of expats getting drunk and rowdy. I am… definitely not in the mood to deal with that energy right now. Instead, I am sitting in a random cafe somewhere in Central, stressing out over my finances and my life.

The situation is pretty stressful at the moment. Staying in Hong Kong is a huge risk. Going to Ireland is an even bigger risk. Going back to the States is not currently possible. Returning to Bangkok feels like a step backwards.

How do I make this work?

No idea. All I know is that first rule of finance is to just take the bull by the horns. Take control of the situation before it takes control of you. This much I have learned from living in Hong Kong. So here I am, taking control of the situation. I am not a victim. I am a strong, independent, financially responsible woman with options. I can find a way out of this mess.

If only The Russian had given stock tips during our pillow talk instead of lecturing me about my ovaries. My situation might look different right now. Okay, lesson learned, Betsey. Next time you bang a Finance Bro, shake them down for information before they get on a plane back to Switzerland and ghost you forever.

Fuck smarter, not harder.

Okay.

Let me try to reason my way through this.

Obviously, Ireland is the most desirable location due to family history and the massive potential to write a beautiful story about self-discovery, finding family, and falling in love. I can see this Netflix movie/show in my head. The creative potential is unmatched. I have to go to Ireland. I just have to!

However, the current financial situation there is not quite so desirable. Yes, I was accepted into a short- term program in Galway that could potentially lead to something longer-term. However, the price of tuition & fees, room & board, and general cost of living for 6 weeks alone would actually destroy me financially and leave me with nothing.

The only way I would be able to *maybe* survive it is by getting a long-term student visa, getting a loan for school, and finding a job at a random cafe/pub. Then I would still be in debt, but it would be student loan debt instead of credit card debt.

It feels like there is a better way to accomplish what I want to accomplish by going to Ireland that doesn’t require me to completely nuke my bank account.

For roughly the same amount as this summer program in Galway, I could pay off all of my current debt and float myself through a few more months in SEA while I continue my job hunt. It’s still a risk, but it’s a known entity at this point.

Ireland is very much an unknown entity. The housing crisis, the fuel crisis, the general economic situation, the visa process, everything. SEA is known in terms of cost potential, budget, cultural differences, etc.

Assuming I finally find a job here, I can apply for graduate school next year, after taking the time to do some real research and put together a quality application. The potential for finding scholarships and better financial solutions is higher if I delay school for another year.

Truthfully speaking, I am not hustling hard enough in regards to finding work. I am living my life on permanent vacation mode. It’s time to put an end to this. It cannot go on like this forever.

Either way, the job market is fucked. The world is fucked. Everything is fucked. I know that I want to go back to school. I know that. But I also know that I don’t want to completely fuck myself over financially by doing so. There is a better way.

Think smarter, not harder.

As I’ve said many times over the course of the last year, be careful who you mix your energies with. Well, now I’ve absorbed the powers of a very organized and highly controlled Finance Bro. My bad financial habits don’t stand a chance now! We are going to crack that whip and dominate this situation today!

Hahahaha.

Hahahahahahahaha!

That’s too funny.

He may not be the character we wanted to create, but he is the character we needed to create.

Oh, I’m loving this. I’ve got my GAA coach character to motivate me to get out of bed and my financial advisor character to motivate me to fix my mess of a bank account and lack of a real career. And here I thought men were so useless. Turns out it was always South Dakota that was the problem, not me.

Mad Dog was right all along. He always said that a single lady should always have a man to fix the plumbing, one to fix the roof, and one to chop the wood. Such wisdom my adopted Grandfather had…

That reminds me. I started watching the Netflix show “Sitting Bull” yesterday. It’s a two-part documentary about Sitting Bull and the history of the Lakota people. It’s been awhile since I listened to spoken Lakota. It’s strange how familiar it all sounded to me. I know the story so well, but hearing it again for the hundredth time brought me some comfort I’ve been missing.

I remembered it all. Working in the Oral History Center, researching Wounded Knee, going to The Rez, spending time with the Natives, going to ceremony, and following around Mad Dog. All of that was the highlight of my time in South Dakota. It made the entire experience worth it for me. Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can EVER come close to the value of that experience. It’s very important that I continue to remember and acknowledge it wherever I go in this life.

I hope someday I can finally get into a headspace where I’m healthy enough to have a more positive attitude about my time living in SD. Right now all I can remember is the dark times…

Time to take some space from this issue for the rest of the day. I must let this stew marinate a little more before serving it up…