Friday. Back at the coffee shop. I haven’t been here all week due to a combination of heavy rainfall and general malaise. Just pushing myself back into action, no matter what it takes.

Another week, another round of dead applications that went absolutely nowhere. Fabulous. Apparently the only jobs I can get are with evil companies that intentionally hire desperate idiots like me so they can exploit them. Self-esteem in the toilet. Wonderful. I definitely feel good about myself right now!

I know, I know. It’s not me. It’s the whole damn system that’s wrong. I just can’t help but wonder why I am cursed with such bad luck when it comes to jobs? It doesn’t help that my parents forced me to go to university at a place where there were no opportunities available to me because the level of discrimination against Outsiders in General is so high in South Dakota.

I have no idea what they were thinking, truly. I don’t think they were. It’s very clear their only priority at the time was Control. Well, they got to keep Control over their adult daughter, who ultimately ended up going nowhere and doing nothing with her life so she could forever be The Scapegoat. And then they complained about that too. So, whatever.

You see what kind of negative emotional cycles I get caught up in? Ugh. I really need to go back to school, if only so I can replace all of the terrible memories I have of undergrad with shiny, new happy memories and an actual professional track headed for success.

So much success waiting for me in a world full of crazy billionaire reptile people who name their shit after Lord of the Rings characters and go on unhinged, ketamine-fueled rants about replacing human beings with robots. Can’t wait!

Well, I’m sure it would help if I tried more. For example, this week I signed up for a networking event with a women’s professional group here. Did I go to it? No, I did not, because I had a major league anxiety attack while I was getting ready and completely spiraled. I am my own worst enemy at this point!

I just don’t know how to put that mask on and pretend to be the person I need to be to find professional success in this world. I can only be one version of me. Unfortunately, it’s the very publicly messy version that everyone loves to turn into their own personal target practice. It is what it is.

Okay, well, in the spirit of continuing to try, I registered for another Big Networking Event here in two weeks time. Should give me enough time to ride the emotional breakdown roller coaster 17 times before I put on my big girl pants and show up anyway. Then I can hold the mask up for like, one whole day maximum before it falls off again and everyone runs away from me in fear of their lives because I am basically just one massive walking red flag at this point. Yay!

Self-awareness FTW.

I feel like what I really need to do right now in order to get my mindset right for Hong Kong is to watch a nature documentary about sharks. Just sharks. All the sharks. Everyone says Hong Kong is like a shark tank. Right now, I am basically just stranded in the ocean, bleeding out emotionally all over the place, attracting the swarm of predators straight to me, and watching them circle around as I tread water. I need to be a shark. In order to catch the shark, we must be the shark. I must put myself into the mind of a shark. I must behave like a shark.

I don’t know if I can do that. Right now I feel like a Nurse shark. Just cruising around the bottom levels, minding my own business, not particularly interested in attacking anyone unless provoked. There’s definitely a significant record of attacks with my species, but they only happen when provoked.

I need to be more like… a Tiger shark. I need to be aggressive and go for what I want. Just sink my teeth in it and thrash around in a firm refusal to let go, even if what I’ve grabbed onto is actually a surfboard instead of a seal.

I will not be eating the shark fin soup to acquire this power, lol. I watched the Seaspiracy while I was doing magic mushroom therapy last year. Yeah, that’s not happening. I don’t really do the whole seafood thing. That was a horror movie I will not soon forget.

I secretly wonder if another round of magic mushroom therapy would help me clear out the family stuff. It was pretty effective for helping me work through all of my Troubled Teen Industry stuff. It wasn’t fun to have to go through intense exposure therapy like that, but it was extremely effective. I have no idea how I would do that here though. I wonder if there’s a scientific study I could participate in? I wish I could donate my brain to science. Somebody, please, study this crazy shit so we can all finally understand why it’s so abnormal.

It’s such a nice day today. I’m feeling really good about myself in my new pink v-neck and shrimp crimp. This pink is really nice. This fast fashion place I went to yesterday had some actual colors aside from neutral earth tones, so I was very excited. I got pink, burgundy, raspberry, purple. I got some v-necks and halters that flatter my neckline better.

It’s kinda crazy how much healthier and happier I look wearing these colors. I didn’t realize how much the all-black was washing me out and making me look like a vampire. Wearing the pink brings out all the rosiness in my skintone and compliments the dark hair. The sales person really knew what they were talking about when they pulled this top off the rack at random…

Color Theory: It’s Legit AF.

Also, I love shopping in Asia because the clothes are all made for tiny, petite people like me instead of giant Glamazons with impossibly long legs and gigantic fake boobs. As one shop girl in Bangkok said as she pulled some clothes off the rack with a smile beaming on her face, “You Thai Girl Size!”

Yes, yes I am. Show me the wholesale textiles and down me in them. I can’t help myself…