Tuesday.

I have completely lost track of the days. Truth be told, I have no idea how I am even functioning right now. I basically just drank for four days straight. To say I feel very low right now would be an understatement.

I just want to get my shit together.

I felt the judgment of my Minder upon me when I left my apartment at 12:30pm today to get coffee. I just heard a little voice in my head going, “How are you living in Hong Kong? You don’t have your shit together at all!”

I don’t know. I ask myself the same question every day. To be fair, I did choose Bangkok. Unfortunately, Bangkok did not choose me, probably because I am not an old rich white man with plenty of money to provide for a water buffalo farm. However, Hong Kong did choose me. I have no idea why given my current state of mind, but I am here. So now I am here.

The only explanation I have is Mah Jong, the traditional game of China. I saw a stand-up comedian do a bit about on Instagram the other day that I could really relate to. He said, “In Chess, everyone starts with the same hand. In Mah Jong, you get what you get. It’s up to you to play the hand in front of you and figure out how to win.”

It reminded me of the scene from Crazy Rich Asians when the fiancée and the mom are playing Mah Jong. The fiancée lets the mom think she has the upper hand and is going to win the game easily, but in the end she herself is the one who actually holds the winning hand.

Just a little bit of Ye Olde Chinese Wisdome for ye. It’s more for me than it is for you. I find that if I stay quiet and listen long enough, the universe always has the answer I need.

No sign yet today of my little pigeon friend, who I have since dubbed Paddy. Imagine having to mind after me and realizing that it’s hard to stalk me because I’m not keeping a regular routine.

I just imagine Hermès giving updates to Mr. Antony like,

“Well her blog said she was going to go do one thing today, but she didn’t do that at all. Instead she did this other thing, which was on the agenda five days ago. Why doesn’t she ever do normal things like go grocery shopping? She just goes to 7/11 to buy beer and then stays in her house and watches Netflix all day. Maybe if we’re lucky, she’ll go out and do her little yogi-song-and-dance on the rooftop today. Is she okay? I’m starting to get a little concerned here. This is not the job I signed up for. I really thought she was part of the CIA! Turns out she’s just a mess and a half. She needs to get her shit together.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Antony is just sitting there with that same dumbfounded face he kept giving me the entire night like, “What on Earth is going on here? Who the hell is this woman?!”

Oh, I just love these two characters. I could play with them in my metaphorical sandbox all day. I don’t need to know everything about them. I can just use my imagination. It’s like playing with two G.I. Joe action figures but I’ve repainted them to look like the IRA. Well, at least Hermès is. I don’t know about Mr. Antony over here. He remains shrouded in mystery. All we really know about him is that he is Irish and Posh, so maybe he’s more like the James Bond action figure, fancy Tuxedo edition.

I’ve got Mr. Antony saying, “I’ll take this martini shaken, not stirred, extra extra dirty. And an extra large bowl of hot beef stew with a side of mashed potatoes with extra butter. We need more butter, y’all!!!!”

And then Hermès is saying, “Look at meeee, blahhh. I’m so pretty, blahhh. I’m a real gangster, blahhh. I’m so well-connected, blahhh. You don’t even know how powerful I am, blahhh.”

Meanwhile, the Moose is just standing in the corner of the sandbox watching the show with a Texas Rodeo Barbie on one arm and a Canadian Mountie Barbie on the other.

My Old Irish Uncle is just in shambles. He’s just watching the whole scene unfold with his head in his hands like, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. This is NOT what I meant when I told you to get yourself all loved up!”

*giggles to self again*

Oh, how I amuse myself so…

You all might be powerful men, but to me you’re just action figures in a metaphorical sandbox.

Cut to shot of my Irish Grandmother looking down at me from heaven above and nodding in approval. “That’s the spirit, sweetheart! You show those men who’s the real Boss!”

I love them. You can just ship me straight to Ireland any day now. I’m here for it. How much does it cost to do a Masters Degree there? Do you think I can get a discount if I show them my family tree? I’ve never even thought about it, to be honest. I was always so fixated on Paris. Maybe the universe has a different plan for me after all.

Hmm, I was just wondering why I haven’t seen Paddy the Spy Pigeon yet today. It always follows the same route. Then I caught something moving in the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw it in the reflection of the building across the way. It is sitting on top of the maintenance shed watching me from behind. Clever. Very clever. It knows I’m onto it now…

Haha, I could write this shit all day. Unfortunately, I really do need to go grocery shopping today. And, ya know, probably take a shower? I have gone full bed rot. It’s disgusting. What has become of meeee? I have no idea.

It’s like damn, Paddy, you know everything about me now. Stop spying on me and actually give me something to do with my infinite free time and amazing journalistic skills.

Ah yes, my skills. My amazing journalistic skills that I totally fucked up on Sunday night. I fell into my own goddamn Honey Trap at this Mexican place. It was so embarrassing for my life and my soul. I spent all day hiding in my apartment trying to drown out my humiliation. It didn’t work.

Luckily I had two very old friends from childhood come along and say, “Betsey, we have known you your whole life. Writing has been your passion since you were a kid. We’ve been watching you write your entire life. So you made a mistake one time. You don’t need to punish yourself for it. Just learn from your mistake. Your time will come.”

Yes it will.

Just play the hand in front of you, Betsey. It doesn’t matter what cards you’re dealt. You can always find a strategy to win the game and come out on top.

Truth.