Saturday morning.

Here we are at the coffee stand after whatever that experience was last night. It was strange, but it is Thailand. What is the point of being here if you do not go out to a full moon party made up of old expat men and hallucinate from drinking the kratom tea?

Now we can check that experience off our bucket list, I suppose. I’m glad I ran all the way home just to vomit in the toilet and then imagine myself entrapped in a giant honeycomb-shaped trap made up entirely of golden goo?

Of all the hallucinations I’ve had while taking various drugs in the last year, that one would probably be ranked at the top for most pleasant experiences. I guess he decided to go for the Gold after all. Well done, man. Well done.

I did run into my Old Irish Uncle last night. I showed him my family tree. He was very happy to hear that he inspired me to go digging for my family. Then he suggested I just fly to Ireland direct. I agree with him on that one.

I asked him if he knew how my dear friend Hermes is doing. He said, “Oh, well, you know how he is.”

“Yes,” I said, “I do know. He is always so busy taking care of everyone else that he takes no time to take care of himself. I always say to him, ‘Hermes, you need to chill out, do some yoga, and eat some butter cookies.’ But he does not listen to me.”

My Uncle looked at me increduously and let out a hearty laugh.

“That is sooooo NOT who he is.”

“Well, maybe it should be.”

He laughed at me again.

As per usual, he asked me if I was “all loved up,” which is apparently Irish for, “Have you gotten laid lately?” I explained that no, I have not been with anyone since my mysterious Irish Guy, aka the Hot Beef Stew.

This is the same man, who, as we all recall, lectured me about “not acting like such a slut” while putting his shorts back home to go see his girlfriend or wife or whatever she is. Sounds like you’re the slutty one here, Mr. Antony.

And so, dear reader, I have not been out “acting like a slut,” mostly because I’m tired of dealing with rakes and scoundrels such as this dirty dog over here. He ruined all of the fun for me.

I did not say any of that to my Uncle, but I did feel it in my heart and soul as I jokingly said, “Oh Uncle, you were right about that handsome Irishmen. I can’t forget that magical night we had. I am a changed woman since. He really lived up to all the hype.”

He gave me an approving nod and said quite seriously, “Ireland better watch out!”

Damn straight.

“It’s good to see you acting more like a Lady,” he said. “Hong Kong has been good to you. Off with you now, then. That’s enough lessons for today. Remember what I taught you: always stand up for yourself, and keep that fire alive inside.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I hope you find your family.”

“Thank you.”

We went back inside, where the mood towards me was chilly, at best. It was fun just to watch them react around me. Mr. Antony’s Friend is definitely making himself obnoxious. He follows me everywhere. He is all up in my beeswax.

Like, what is there to overhear, sir? My list of the Top 10 Best Expat-Owned Restaurants in Hong Kong? My subscription to ClassPass? My difficult search to find a new apartment that isn’t a tiny, dark, cramped, little box?

It’s flattering, to be sure. I can’t even imagine what this Krewe must get up to if they are circling around me like sharks, waiting for the best moment to strike. I’m sure it’s something well beyond my wildest imagination. It would probably be something that only happens in the movies…

This guy absolutely hates me. I don’t even know why! I didn’t even write about him until now. Sorry, I got dickmatized by your man’s lucky charms over here. What I can say? They’re magically delicious?

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this either. I expected him to just fade away like they always do. But not this one. This one oh-so-helpfully pulled out a map of Ireland and sent me off on a wild adventure through Hallmark Channel Original Hallucination Land.

It’s funny to watch Mr. Antony’s Friend react to me. He’s so, so, so serious. The only person I’ve met who was more serious was Mr. Antony. It took forever to get him to crack a smile. He didn’t laugh at any of my jokes. He’s definitely a control freak. I could tell by the way he raised his eyebrow when I suggested he schedule in some sexy time with me.

I guess I don’t know what they are all so serious about. I am a reasonable person. My silence can be bought. You just need to provide me with the financial compensation I require to be able to afford not to move forward with this book. It really is quite simple. You just have to put an offer on the table.

Anyway, we’re not here to negotiate. We’re here to go to the spa, which I already did yesterday. It was quite lovely. I did the sauna, scrub, aromatherapy, hot stone, and Thai massage. Feelin’ brand new AF.

Now I need to get my nails done. I can get rid of these obnoxious sparkly green extensions and get sparkly gold and Lucky Red for Chinese New Year instead.

Life in Bangkok must be pretty boring if this is what gets their feathers all in a ruffle. Well, it’s all very exciting to me, a person who has been living in the middle of nowhere for way too long. It’s quite like the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars. I love it. Just Grand.

Well, it’s all in good fun, lads. Just chill out. Relax. You’re in Thailand. Start acting like it!

I knew from the moment I met this man that he was going to give me a massive headache. Now, here I am, trying to enjoy my lovely vacation to beautiful Thailand, and all I can do is sit here in agony with this massive fucking headache…