SCRIPT: Commercial Break

Everyone is sitting at Bloody Mary’s Bar minding their own business, except for Betsey. Suddenly, she looks up from her notebook and right into the camera at the audience.

Betsey: We interrupt this episode of Betsey at the Bar to bring you a special message from our sponsors.

The scene changes to a shot of Andrew lounging on his couch watching tv in a PBR t-shirt and a ratty old pair of basketball shorts. His hair is messy and sticking out from the side of his head. Lying on the couch next to him a cute little golden retriever puppy named Sam.

Andrew: Hey Sam-Sam! Do you want a treat?

Sam jumps off the couch and wags his tail enthusiastically.

Andrew: Can you do the special trick I taught you? Can you go get Daddy a beer?

Sam barks enthusiastically and runs out of the room. The camera follows him into the kitchen, where he opens the door to the refrigerator and picks up a pounder of PBR with his mouth. He shuts the door again and carries it back into the living room where Andrew is sitting.

Andrew: Good boy, Sam-Sam! You get a treat!

Andrew takes the beer, tosses Sam a piece of peanut-butter flavored bacon, and smiles at the camera.

Andrew: It’s PBR, the Official Sponsor of Bloody Mary’s Bar!

Sam: Bark bark!

The commercial ends.

The scene changes to an old gas station where Teen Angel is fixing up a car. He is covered in grease and dirt. After working steadily-but-unsuccessfully for a long time, he sighs heavily, puts down his tools, and walks over to a mini-cooler nearby. He pulls out a bottle of Miller High Life, pops the cap, and looks at the camera.

Teen Angel: Miller High Life. The only REAL beer for REAL, hardworking, American men like me.

The commercial ends.

The scene changes to a 1950’s-style suburban kitchen with a cute little brunette housewife setting the table for dinner. She is wearing a nice dress, a frilly apron, and high heels. Her hair is perfectly done up and she has on a full face of makeup. Duke comes home wearing a suit and tie. He hangs his hat up by the door and walks into the kitchen.

Duke: Honey, I’m home!

Duke’s Wife: You’re just in time for dinner, darling. I made your favourite: meat and potatoes with a can of Schlitz on the side.

Duke: Where are the children?

Duke’s Wife: They’re already in bed. I know how you feel about children, honey. They should be neither seen nor heard. That’s why I wanted it to be just us for tonight. I even bought a brand new set of lingerie.

Duke takes the beer and sits down the table. He takes a sip of his Schlitz and smiles happily.

Duke: Ahh, this is the life for me.

Suddenly, he hears somebody calling his name off in the distance. The scene goes blurry as Duke’s daydream dissipates into reality. He finds himself standing in a modern-day suburban kitchen wearing a frilly pink apron. The children are screaming loudly and running around everywhere. He looks down at the pan in front of him and realizes it’s on fire. Suddenly, his wife appears behind him wearing a designer pant suit.

Duke’s Wife: Let me guess. You burned our dinner. Again.

Duke: I’m sorry. It was an accident!

Duke’s Wife: Here I am, out there in the world, working hard, slaving away all day so we can have a good life, and you can’t even have dinner ready when I come home?! What good are you?!

Duke rolls his eyes and goes to the refrigerator to get a can of Schlitz. He raises it up in an imaginary toast as his wife stands there staring at him in utter disbelief.

Duke: Don’t worry, darling. I didn’t burn the beer!

The commercial ends.

The scene changes to Betsey sitting in the bar with a glass of champagne and her notebook. She pours one out for Dubs and orders a Miller High Life instead. Teen Angel serves it to her with a smile on his face. Betsey looks at the camera and winks.

Betsey: I don’t always drink champagne, by when I do, I drink the Champagne of Beers.

Teen Angel: That’s what I’m saying!

The commercial ends.

Betsey: And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Betsey returns to writing in her notebook while her characters return to tending after the bar.

The End

SCRIPT: The Untimely Death of Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire

Betsey is sitting at the bar with Mad Dog when they get into an argument. Betsey is annoyed so she gets up and decides to move over to the opposite end of the bar where The Line of Death usually sits.

Betsey: Oh, woe is me! I really am an old lady now! I’m on the Line of Death and everything!

Howard Hughes looks at her as if she has just uttered the most offensive, scandalous thing he’s ever heard.

Howard Hughes: Just who the hell does this girl think she is?

Betsey: The Line of Death, The Line of Death. What does it really mean to be on The Line of Death? Let me think about it for a moment. Hmm… you know, if I could pick a way to die, it would be eaten by lions while on safari. Why? Because it would make an awesome story, of course!

Howard Hughes: What did she just say?

Betsey: Just think! Everybody would be talking about it for weeks! Months! Years! Maybe even centuries! Yeah, centuries!

Howard Hughes is rendered completely speechless. Andrew smiles at Betsey and sighs dreamily. She winks at him and he winks back. They both know exactly what the other is thinking. Betsey gets up and leaves for the day. When she isn’t seen or heard from in a couple weeks, everyone starts to get worried.

Duke: Not that I really care or anything, but has anyone seen Betsey lately? I noticed she hasn’t been around. Not that I was looking, of course. I only noticed she was gone because it seemed a lot… quieter… around here than usual.

Andrew stands over the cash register and smirks to himself as he rubs his hands together mischeviously. At long last, the opportunity he has been waiting for has arrived. He turns around and puts a solemn look on his face.

Andrew: Yeah, didn’t you hear? Betsey Horton died!

Duke: What? How?

Andrew: She was eaten by lions!

Duke: Oh come on, Andrew. Don’t put us on.

Andrew: No, it’s true, it’s true. I was there! I saw the whole thing! It was awful! There was blood everywhere!

Duke: That doesn’t make any sense. How was she eaten by lions?

Andrew: She was on safari and she got too close to the lions so they ate her. I mean, they really just ripped her apart. At the end the hyenas came in. Once they were done, the vultures picked her off. Then all the the flies came and laid their eggs. It was super gross. There were maggots crawling all over the place. Then her body decomposed and became the grass. And then the antelope ate the grass and the lions ate the antelope.

Duke: What?

Andrew: Yeah. But like, that’s just nature, you know? The Circle of Life and all that. Yeah, I learned about it when I watched The Lion King with my daughter. It was so deep, you guys. It really affected me a lot and just, like, changed my whole perspective on things. It’s sad that she died, but she always wanted to go on safari, and she did say she would choose to be eaten by lions, so I mean, at least she lived her dream. How many of you can say you died living your dream? No one, because we’re all still sitting here alive. Think about that.

Everyone in the bar stares at Andrew in shock. They believe him. They actually, really, truly, deeply in their hearts believe him. They all sit there in silence looking super sad. Nobody knows what to say. Suddenly, Howard Hughes steps up to the plate. He buys everyone in the bar a shot of LaRue.

Howard Hughes: I say we make a toast to Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire! To the bravest woman on The Line of Death!

Everyone in the bar drinks. There’s a moment of silence. Duke looks absolutely torn apart.

Andrew: What is it, Duke?

Duke: I just feel so guilty! I made up all these lies about her and told them to anyone who would listen. I was so mean to her all the time! But really she wasn’t so bad all along. I wish she was here now to wake me from my slumber with her loud, obnoxious laugh.

Andrew: Aww, that’s very sweet of you, Duke. I’m sure if Betsey was here right now, she would appreciate the sentiment.

Mad Dog: Oh will you guys just shut the hell up already? You’re nothin’ but a bunch of cry babies! Hey bartender, get me another beer, would ya?!

Andrew: Don’t you have anything nice to say, Mad Dog? Betsey was your friend!

Mad Dog: Meh. I’m no good at this stuff. I’d rather just drink a beer and smoke a joint instead.

Andrew: Fair enough. I can’t say Betsey would disagree with you there.

Suddenly, Betsey Horton walks into the bar, completely alive and 100% intact. Everyone turns around and stares at her in shock. They look like they’ve all just seen a ghost.

Betsey: What are you guys staring at? Is there something on my dress?

Everyone turns back around and looks Andrew with severely annoyed expressions on their face. Duke looks the angriest of them all.

Andrew: Uh… Hey guys. What’s up?

They promptly rip him to shreds like he’s Scar after the hyenas turn on him.

The End

STORY: Sneaking Out, Sneaking In

The night I snuck out of Bloody Mary’s Bar was legendary. The night I snuck back in was even more so.

I was sitting at the bar, waiting for Tom after one of his more ridiculous dates. He had a lot to answer for. Duke had been watching me stew over his brother for some time and decided to interfere. When Tom finally came in, they pointed at me and laughed. Tom stood by the door, smirking at me like he owned the place. I knew he was inviting me to walk past him to leave, but I would not be played for a fool so easily.

I was sick of these men and their bullshit. I decided to take revenge. I reached into my purse and pulled out my lucky cigarette. I went out onto the back patio and waited for inspiration to strike. Suddenly, it came to me: I could climb the fence and sneak out the back.

My first few attempts to scale the fence were unsuccessful. I pushed a table up against the cooler and climbed on top. I was just a few inches too short to pull myself up.

“I wish some random man would appear to give me a lift.”

Luckily, right at that moment, some random man appeared to give me a lift.

He caught me standing on the table trying to pull myself up.

“What are you doing?” he asked. “Are you trying to sneak in?”

“Of course not!” I exclaimed. “I’m trying to sneak out! That old villain Tom showed up here tonight and I’m not having any of it! Do you think you could possibly assist me in my plight by giving me a lift?”

“Of course,” he said. I could tell by his expression that he was mesmerized. “What do you need me to do?”

“I just need to climb up on top of this cooler and down the back fence. All you need to do is lift me up by the legs so I can push myself up.”

He did what I asked immediately. Thanks to his help, I was finally able to climb on top of the cooler. I climbed down the other side of the fence and jumped down to the ground. I called out to the random man one last time.

“Thanks for your help!” I said. “Have a good night!”

“Say, just what was your name anyway?”

“Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire.”

I laughed my ass off the entire walk home.

Sometime later, the novelty of standing by the door had faded and I still hadn’t returned from the patio.

“Where did Betsey go?” Tom asked. “I didn’t see her leave. Did you?”

“I’ll go check the patio,” said Duke. He checked the back room, the patio, and all the bathrooms. It appeared that I had suddenly vanished into thin air. When Duke came back, the expression on his face was mystified.

“She’s gone,” he said.

“That’s so weird,” said Tom. “Where did she go?”

To this day, I still laugh about it when I’m depressed and angry.


The night I snuck back in, Duke was the bartender on duty. Tom and his friend were the only other people in the bar. I decided to go to Bloody Mary’s for one last drink before I had to abstain for Inipi. Unfortunately, the presence of these three villains prevented me from walking in.

They saw me standing in the doorway and decided to come outside. I booked it as fast as I could and hid around the corner. They stood outside, as if they were purposefully blocking so I could not come in.

Well, I’d had just about enough of these men and their bullshit. I would not be denied my favourite drink before attending a Life-Changing Spiritual Ceremony™. I decided to take revenge.

In less than a moment, inspiration struck me. I could sneak in the same way I had snuck out a year before. I walked around the block, through the alleyway, and over to the fence. I climbed up onto the cooler and jumped down on the patio.

“Parkour!” I said to one in particular.

I smirked to myself and walked into the bar. Duke was still outside. I took a seat in my usual spot and sat there waiting for him with the biggest smile on my face. When he finally came back inside and saw me sitting there, the look on his face was Priceless™.

“Hi there,” I said pleasantly as I tossed a fresh twenty on the counter. “I would like a Blue Moon with orange juice, please.”

Duke looked at me like I was the literal Anti-Christ. It was probably only because his family is Super Catholic™. They are so Catholic, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually seen a real witch burned at the stake.

“How did you get in here?!” he demanded. “I need to know right now.”

I smiled at him again.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said.

Duke suddenly looked stressed out. He looked like he was about to have a panic attack. I have to admit, watching him freak the fuck out was really fun. I sincerely enjoyed every minute of it.

“Don’t mess with me,” he said. “If there’s a door unlocked, I need to know!”

I laughed at him.

“I didn’t come in through a door.”

“Then how the hell did you get in?!”

“Oh you know, just a bit of good, old-fashioned witchcraft.”

Duke’s eyes widened. For a moment, he looked like he was genuinely afraid of me. I looked forward to the moment when he finally realized that I was totally messing with him. There was no magic involved. I had just used my brain to outsmart him. Wasn’t it obvious?

“I’ll have a Blue Moon with orange juice, please. Extra oranges on the side.”

From that moment on, Duke never put oranges in my beer ever again.