At last, we have done it!

We solved the world’s greatest mystery: the identity of the Hot Beef Stew.

I won’t say how I discovered this, but I found him by accident in a group photo. The account the photo belonged to led to a photo album full of pictures of him playing a sport. I won’t say which sport. I will only say… he looks really great playing the sport. I’m talking action shots. As in… he’s wearing the shorts and the tight shirt. He’s running and jumping and diving right into the mud. He’s sweaty and dirty and wow! He looked SO hot!

That payoff on this story was so much better than I was expecting! We hit the jackpot over here! Talk about a pot of gold. This is what you’ve been keeping a secret from me all this time?!

This is why I got angry with Hermes. He fed me a fake story that had nothing to do with any of this. Why would you do that? What fun is there in messing with me this way? Why not just link me directly to these photographs? You have been keeping this information a secret from me and you have the audacity to get mad me for calling you a child soldier? Get the fuck out! Riff-Raff, indeed!

Meanwhile, at the bar, I just sat there with my iPad, deep in Creepsville, flipping through these photos, laughing so hard I was crying. I was so relieved to see how hot he was in the light of day. I was truly afraid he was going to be a paper-bagger. I was seriously concerned he was going to a total potato in the daylight and I just had my Thailand night vision goggles on.

By the end of it, I just gave myself a pat on the back like, “Good job, Betsey. Great snag. Look at this guy!!!!! He’s so hot! Way to bag the stag! That’s why we call him the Hot Beef Stew! Yeah, that’s soooo my type. Oh, Betsey, just look at this man. He’s so gorgeous. Just think… If this is what you’ve can accomplish while drunk and high and wearing elephant pants, imagine what you can accomplish while actually trying.”

Yeah, so, that was grand. Self-esteem boosted. Thanks for that.

I’m so relieved I finally solved the mystery of his identity. Now I can stop obsessing over him. From here on out, I can just be proud of the total stag I bagged.

Hell yeah!

I feel… relief. Yes, relief. Like I can take a breath of fresh air.

At the beginning I said that he could not get Ireland to win the gold medal on the Island of Lost Guys. I was wrong. He has taken the gold medal today.

Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

Let’s go Team Ireland!