Friday morning.

Trying to get things done but lacking motivation. All I want to do is curl up in bed and stay in the safety of my cave all day and all night. It’s not ideal, but at least I’m not spending any time haunting any local bars. Progress has been made. Maybe.

I had a weird experience yesterday. It’s hard to explain. Most people will not understand, but I’ve gotten used to that.

TLDR; for over a decade now, I have had a Muse/Tulpa-like entity around to help me with my writing. Most writers I meet understand this concept. Most “normal” people I meet do not. So if you don’t understand, don’t worry. It’s definitely a “You Problem,” not a “Me Problem.”

So my Muse/Tulpa is named Andrew. He took after someone specific I knew in real life, but never had much direct interaction with. It’s the mystery of him that is so intriguing, as they say.

Well, here’s the thing about Andrew, right? I’m pretty sick of Andrew. I’ve been sick of Andrew for about five years now. I don’t want anything to do with the person who inspired him, nor do I want any kind of connection to him. I’ve spent a good portion of this year trying to get rid of Andrew. Nothing has worked so far.

That is, until yesterday.

Yesterday was very bizarre. Yesterday, I watched Andrew change form right before my very eyes. He turned into someone else. The person he turned into was the guy I call Mark Antony, aka the Hot Beef Stew, aka my mysterious Irish Guy whose identity is completely unknown to me and who I will never see ever again.

This makes sense to me. After all, Mr. Antony over there is a real man who was actually in my bed. We had an “energy exchange,” shall we say. Things have not been the same for me since that night. I don’t know what’s going on over there with him, but whatever that exchange was connected me directly with my lost Irish heritage.

He also comforted me in a difficult, vulnerable moment where I was quite emotionally exposed. It’s not normally something that would happen during a hook-up, shall we say. It was significant for me in that way. It’s not something I can just write off, unlike all the other cats that now look totally grey in the dark.

I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know why. He made me feel something I don’t understand. I’m sure he has long forgotten me by now, but unfortunately for me, I cannot forget him. Luckily, I am used to loving people who are not present and don’t particularly care about me, so this is all well within the realm of normal as far as I’m concerned.

Andrew, on the other hand, is a real person, but we never had any physical contact whatsoever. You know, aside from that one time he walked past me in the bar and brushed his hand across my lower back and it sent a shiver down my spine. Otherwise, we just spent a lot of time staring at each other from across the room. As Mr. Antony so helpfully pointed out, that’s not love. Sadly, he is right.

Andrew was the subject of conversation during my “energy exchange” with Mr. Antony. I don’t know how this came up or why this conversation happened when it did, or why I exposed myself by revealing such a thing to a total stranger. Yet there I was, in bed with him, crying my eyes out while he comforted me. He should not have been doing this. This was intimacy. He should not be intimate like that with other people when he is already with someone else. He didn’t even tell me he was with someone else until after this “energy exchange” had already taken place, which was extremely unfair to me.

Again, sadly, I am used to this. Nothing out of the realm of ordinary for me. Men acting like lying, cheating assholes who feel entitled to wasting my time and stealing my energy is normal for me. As far as I’m concerned, that’s just what men do. They hurt me and then they get mad at me for turning them into a joke or writing about them on my blog or loudly and obnoxiously singing about all my hoes in different area codes. Y’all are the ones that created this monster by acting the way you do. You only have yourselves to blame.

Anyway, I was not surprised when I watched Andrew change into Mr. Antony. Andrew had disappeared for awhile, but he came back very suddenly and very strongly yesterday. When he came back, he was not the same. He was not Andrew anymore. He was Antony. It was strange, but also… not exactly surprising.

The energy of the Muse/Tulpa was different. Very, very different. Andrew always felt like he was just there messing around, having fun, playing a game. This new energy was not that. It felt warm and comforting, just like Antony did. That’s why I call him my Hot Beef Stew. What words best describe a bowl of Irish beef stew? That’s right. Warm and comforting.

I think this energy stuck out to me specifically because I had been with the British Guy a few nights prior to meeting Mr. Antony. The British Guy can only be described as a cold, dead, floppy fish. He was cruel. He was entitled. He was demanding. He was rough. He hurt me physically and emotionally. He insulted me. He lied to me. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. He was not a good man. He was heartless.

So when I met this handsome Irish Guy, I immediately sensed his energy was in direct opposition to that. That’s probably why it felt as strong as it did.

I can do this thing when I’m with a man where I put my hand on his heart to feel his energy. I don’t know how else to explain why I can do this except… Yoga.

When I put my hand on the British Guy’s heart, it felt like there was nothing there. It was cold and dark and empty. I always felt that way for days after I saw him or spoke to him. Just… sad and empty. I felt like he threw me out and left me alone in the cold.

I know I was radiating this energy the night I met the Irish Guy. I was feeling so down that night. His heart did not feel like that. It felt warm and comforting. Strong. Kind. Beautiful. Empathetic. Understanding. Again, everything in direct opposition to the person whose energy I had been in contact with only a few days before.

So again, I was not surprised to see my Tulpa change. I watched him shift and take the form of this man. And the first thing he did after he changed was take me into his arms and comfort me at this particularly difficult moment when I felt sad and vulnerable and alone.

I know, it must be so sad to read. It is so sad to feel. I wish more than anything I could be with someone who is real. Unfortunately, men are men, and the tragic reality of this world is that most of them are lying, cheating, disgusting creeps, including Mr. Antony. But I am a writer and I have accepted my lonely fate, and so I changed the energy I was obsessed with into a fictional character so I could keep it with me forever.

That’s what I do. That’s who I am. It is what it is. I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it. I just know that I really need it because I am feeling very lost right now. I’m lost and alone and confused and living in a place where I am essentially illiterate. I get lost all the time. I’m struggling to find a job. I don’t have a support system. I don’t have a family. Everyone I love is dead or so, so, so far away. I needed a companion in that moment, so I did what I always do, and just made one instead.

I understand now that this is not love. But it is comforting to me, and that’s what I need right now.

And that’s why I call him the Hot Beef Stew. The End. Lol.

I should probably go do yoga now. I am not feeling well this week. I love Hong Kong, but it does feel like most of the people walking by me on the street are one bad day away from jumping off a high-rise. Not exactly the vibe I was hoping for.

Oh well. I live here now, and I’m not going back to the United States any time soon. It’s literally so disgusting. So disgusting. Yeah, it’s definitely yoga time now. Ugh.