Thursday. At the coffee stand. I still have not made a decision. I have only reviewed the footage and come to the following conclusion: this experience in SEA has made me a more objective reporter than I ever was before.

Here are the results of this months matchups in the metaphorical Muay Thai match that is my life:

• Thailand vs Cambodia: Team No One
• England vs Ireland: Team No One
• Passport Bros vs Sick Water Buffalo: Team No One
• Panama vs My Canal: Team No One
• Mexico vs Everyone: Team Mexico, all the way

Okay, so that was all very fun and entertaining, but now it’s time to get serious. What am I doing with my life? I have no idea.

In other news, some tall white guy in a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap has started floating around. He must be CIA, lol. Thats the classic uniform right there, haha. Maybe he wants to know what I know about the IRA.

Ira? Ira? Ohhhhhh, you must mean Ira Hayes. Yeah, I know Ira Hayes. Now, listen to my story, you should remember it well. He was just a Pima Indian. No water, no crops, no chance. I forget the words to this song, so I’ll do the Indians’ dance!

*starts singing* Call him drunken Ira Hayes, he won’t answer anymore, not the whiskey-drankin’ Indian, or the marine that went to war…

*puts on a whole big song and dance number in a tiny sparkly dress to distract the CIA guy while everyone else in the bar escapes out the back*

All I know is that they exist in the void. As do I. I exist in the void, adrift across the world, lost somewhere deep in the SEA.

Okay, let’s review my trip so far:

Finally got the hell out of South Dakota, boarded a plane in Chicago, and landed in Dubai the next day. Spent two days with my Indian boyfriend who I had been in a long-distance relationship with for a year before he packed up and left me. I then spent two weeks in Dubai, lying on a beach drinking rum and chatting up random men in the patio lounge.

From here I went to New Delhi, where I spent exactly one night in a luxury spa getting a very intensive chakra healing treatment. I then boarded another plane to Hong Kong, where I was supposed to live for a year and start a brand new job.

The job turned out to be much different than I was expecting in a bad way. The employees were all overworked, exhausted, and suffering from untreated mental health issues. Meanwhile, the company was basically running a glamorized immigration fraud scheme and engaging in all sorts of shady behaviors. Yes, I have proof and documentation from multiple sources to back up these claims.

I quit my job to preserve my mental health, which I had worked very hard to save and was not ready to destroy for the sake of a job. I booked a flight to Bangkok on a whim, found a place to live, and did nothing for the first month except eat and cry. I was crying because I invested so much in Hong Kong just for it to blow up in my face and put me back right where I started from, only this time without a safety net to fall back on. Somehow, Bangkok became that safety net.

At the end of the month, I finally started meeting people and going out and doing things. This is how I met the Rare Pokemon. I was supposed to meet up with a group of ladies for dinner, they changed their plans, I was hangry so I walked down the street, found the American Bar, and went in to get a grilled cheese. He was there on vacation, hanging out with his friends. spent the weekend together before he disappeared forever. The end.

I was supposed to go back to India for another yoga teacher training course, but my ex decided to have a meltdown over the phone and scare me away. Instead, I moved to a new apartment in Bangkok, which was isolated from the expat community, which is why I started going to the American Bar to meet people.

This is how I met the British Guy, who I spoke to for one hour before taking him home with me. He turned out to be a total jerk, but I was still very charmed by his whole English Thing because of my previous programming.

I got bored and decided to go to Bali for the yoga teacher training course instead. There I discovered a world full of New Age weirdos and scammers that I could not even comprehend. The rainforest was beautiful though. Worked through a bunch of my emotional bullshit and found healing, blah blah blah.

I was planning to stay, but I was having problems with my visa. I went to Kuala Lumpur for a few days to decide what to do. I thought about staying there, but the apartment situation was not good, so I booked another ticket back to Bangkok. I moved back into my original apartment and started going down to the American Bar every night to meet people.

Meanwhile, British Guy was floating around, turning into an even bigger asshole with every interaction. This is how I learned what the term “wanker” truly means. Have fun taking care of your sick water buffalo, bro. Yikes!

While this episode was unfolding, I had taken up the company of two American gentlemen friends in the bar, one of whom was from England originally and the other who was from Panama. This interaction was more them talking to me out of curiosity and Panama Guy being super into me. I was not quite so taken with him because he was a mansplainer to the max.

Somehow we ended up hooking up anyway. Why? Because I had a broken canal that desperately needed fixing after the lackluster experience with the British Guy, and this man from Panama had a plan to fix that canal. And he did it. He really did. He fixed the canal. Now he thinks he can fix my entire life, which he can’t. This is why he has married twice, by the way. He likes to fix broken women, like me.

Unfortunately for him, I do not want a man to fix me. I want to fix myself so I can be with a man who has fixed himself. That way, we can just chill out together and watch Netflix because neither of us has to work on fixing each other. Dream relationship! Wow!

So he got on a plane and left, as they are all wont to do. I continued my adventures at the American Bar, which led me back to the British Guy. He had gone full wanker at this point. He came back to my part,ent with me and hooked up with me, only for me to find out 2 days later that he’s planning to take his sick water buffalo to an island somewhere.

This is how I met the Irish Guy. I was angry and upset and emotional. I turned around. There he was. He was super hot. I started flirting with him. He did not seem like he was receiving my advances. Suddenly he changed his mind at the end, paid my tab, and followed me back home. Then I go out the next day to investigate him because he was weird and shady and find out he’s married with a kid.

If only there was some way for men to signal to everyone in the world that they are married. Something like, I don’t know? A ring? Hmm. Never saw that all night. What a luxury it must be to just put it on and take it off whenever you have too many drinks. Sadly, this is not the first time something like this has happened to me.

Anyway, all I know about that guy is that he’s rich and educated and important. God even knows what kind of shit I just stepped into. I’m going with hell to the naw on this one. I don’t even want to know. Don’t tell me. Keep your secrets to yourself. I don’t want to know.

And now, we are here. Sitting at the coffee stand, reflecting on the insane 5-month adventure I did not plan for or expect to have. What am I doing right now? I literally do not even know. I’m not doing anything. Just accumulating more and more ridiculous stories about increasingly ridiculous men.

Yeah, but look at all the side stories I got in the process. We’ve got the guy who was making bombs when he was 16, the guy who went to Syria right after the fall of Assad, the lady who lived up on the Peak in Hong Kong, the guy who once lived in South Dakota, the Italian chef exploring the wonders of Thai cuisine, the businessman from Singapore building a new Silk Road, the guy from Oklahoma who just sits in the corner and watches it all.

I love my stories. I love my characters. Yes, they are not characters, they are people. Real people. Real people with some of the most amazing stories I’ve ever heard. Real people who have lived their lives. I could never make up these people if I tried. Ever. To me, they are the most interesting people on the world.

Do I know where this road is leading right now? No. Am I grateful to be on this journey anyway? Yes. Is this insanity better than living in South Dakota? You’re god damn right it is.

This is the most exciting thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

Seize the Day.

No regrets!

What’s next? No idea! No idea at all…