Tuesday. Happy St. Patrick’s Day to All My Relations! Got my invite to the Guinness Happy Hour and I am readyyyyy to partayyyy!!

I’ve never actually gotten “Guinness Drunk” before, let alone in a foreign country surrounded by rowdy Irish expats. God help us all. This is a brand new adventure for me. It’s My First Time! I am the virgin being sacrificed on top of this hill tonight. I am very excited right now. Drown me in a vat and cover me with eels. Or is it snakes? Wait, no, that’s actually pretty terrifying. What did I sign up for again?

Put up my little St. Paddy’s Day card on Instagram. I don’t know if anyone else here finds it funny, but just know that I have been sitting here cackling over it since I came up with the idea on Saturday night. You know I love a good paper-bagger!

And let me tell you… drawing that balaclava over Hermès’ head with the pen tool on my iPad was very cathartic for me! I actually went back and did it twice, just because I could. I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile!

I just wanted to mess with him the way he messed with me. It felt like the equivalent of breaking out the wooden spoon and giving him a good whack. Girl, he needs it! He is such a little shit! I hope he learns his lesson about messing with strange women in expat bars. You never know when they will turn out to be a bog witch in disguise!

Begone, little snake! Begone! Or next time I’m bustin’ out the Big Spoon. Ya heard?

Oh Jaysus, that reminds me. I hope that Aussie guy doesn’t come back again today. If he does, he better be wearing different clothes. If you’re going to interrupt me while I’m writing, at least try to look like you take yourself seriously.

We are not in Wan Chai, and I am not Thai. If you want to impress me, you’re going to have to trade in the floral swimming trunks for Ralph Lauren. I know for a fact there is one located right by the red light district. It’s conveniently located right on the edge so all the businessmen who get sloppy during lunch hour have a safe space where they can go to clean themselves up.

So last summer, I said I wanted to add an Aussie to my Island of Lost Guys. Then I actually started meeting Aussies. They are… really something, lol! Not sure I want one disrupting the peace of my Island after all. Then again, it could be quite useful to have someone around who can fight off a crocodile while aggressively drunk. You never know when that skill could come in handy!

I’m in such a good mood today. I can’t stop laughing at that picture. Hahahahahahahahaha! That’s the funniest fucking shit ever! Who’s a little gangster now?!

I realized later I should have put the song “Wanksta” by 50 Cent over the image. Alas! A lost opportunity for comedy, indeed. It’s okay. Somehow I feel like “Bad Girls” by Diana Ross was ultimately the right choice. He’s very in touch with his feminine side, that one.

Well, now that we’ve dropped that metaphorical bomb over Bangkok (or should I say Chiang Mai?), we can all get back to normal now. Maybe these lads will finally chill out. Or maybe not!

Either way, I’m not afraid of them. What are they gonna do? Hop on a plane to Hong Kong and come get me? Good luck with that! Have you seen flight prices lately? Yeah. We’re all pretty much stuck exactly where we are. For now.

Not much else to say today. The real story will come tomorrow. I should go get my nails done before they throw me into the fire or whatever. God, I’m so helpless. I really don’t know anything about my heritage at all. I wish I hadn’t missed that film screening last week. That actually made me really sad.

But you know what doesn’t make me sad? Hot Irish athletes, like the beefcake who just walked by wearing a jersey for the HK Irish expat football team. Oh, he got dat pornstache and everything! You better strut, King!

Hahahahahahahah!

Oh, yeah, no, they definitely ain’t ready for dis jelly! You best believe this sad little Irish bog witch is bagging herself a stag tonight! What is that quote from Derry Girls?

Clare: We had plans tonight.
Michelle: We can turn our jeans into hot pants any day of the week. We’re talking about a free house here, Clare, a free house. We’re gonna be drinking, dancing and riding!
Erin: Quick question on the old riding front there.
Michelle: Go on?
Erin: Who exactly will we be doing that with?
Michelle: Young, hot farmers. Donegal is coming down with them. Big strapping lads ripped to fuck from all the turf collecting.
Clare: Oh, don’t worry about me.
Michelle: There’s actually quite a few lesbians as well, Clare.
Clare: Lesbian farmers? Really?
Michelle: Lesbian farming is actually huge in the Republic. We’ll get you sorted, don’t worry.

Hahahaha! I love that show. Who doesn’t, really?

Anyway, I know who I’m riding tonight! Hot Irish Stags! Yaaaassssssss! Woo hoo!

I definitely have to go get my nails done now, lol.

Okay, Bye Felicia!