EXT: Old Peak Road – A steep trail surrounded by greenery overlooking Hong Kong. A petite American woman dressed in a purple two-piece yoga set and carrying a backpack with a blue and orange yoga mat sticking out sits down in an empty pavilion beside the trail. She is visibly struggling to breathe. She takes a long sip from her water bottle. She is BETSEY.
BETSEY: This was a terrible idea. What the hell was I thinking? That’s the last time I take advice from a fictional character.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Are you out of breath already, Ms. Yoga Teacher?
BETSEY jumps out of her seat, as she is very easily startled. She looks up and sees a very handsome beefcake with dark curly hair standing in front of her. He is ANTONY. She does not look happy to see him at all.
BETSEY: Jesus Christ! Don’t scare me like that!
ANTONY: [scoffs] A little out-of-shape there, honey?
BETSEY: I regret making you a character already. You’re gonna have me up at dawn running laps around the field every day, aren’t you?
ANTONY: You need it.
BETSEY: What I need is to get laid. You know what’s better than some dumb hike up this stupid hill? A weekend sex marathon.
ANTONY: You really think you can handle that with the shape you’re in?
BETSEY: Ha! Can you?
ANTONY: You would be surprised.
BETSEY: I would be very surprised given your performance last time.
ANTONY: [shrugs] I was drunk pissed. You don’t know me when I’m sober. I would rock your world.
BETSEY: That’s what they all say. They always disappoint in the end.
ANTONY: That’s not what I read on your little blog. Seems like you had a good time with your Latin-American guys.
BETSEY: Yeah, well, I got lucky there. Why do you even think I was haunting that stupid bar in the first place? I got lucky! Literally, the first night I ever went in there, I got laid. I went in for a grilled cheese sandwich and left with a man! A very hot man, by the way. And then I kept getting lucky… until I met you. Then all my luck ran out. Now it’s nothing but cranky old men. You know, I didn’t get laid once on my last trip to Bangkok, and it’s all your fault!
ANTONY: You’re funny.
BETSEY: This is all your fault. You should have just fucked me and forgot, but no. You wanted to fucking snuggle instead. Who the fuck do you think you are? Asking me about my deepest, darkest secrets while you’re naked in my bed, all while your wife you completely neglected to tell me existed is waiting at home. That wasn’t a casual fuck! That was intimacy! We had intimacy! Now I can’t stop thinking about you! It’s not fair!
ANTONY: You’re right. I’m sorry.
BETSEY: Ugh, men and their stupid egos. You just had to prove you were better than that stupid English guy. Now look at this mess. This is a mess!
ANTONY: You’re the one who lit the candle on your altar. This is your doing. You used magic to entrap me.
BETSEY: I did not! At least… that wasn’t my intention. Anyway, based on my experience with Andrew, things like this tend to be a two-way street. I did not make this character on my own. You gave your energy to it. I know you did.
ANTONY: Calm down. Don’t waste your energy like this. You’re not even halfway done with the hike. You’re not even at the Visitor Center. You still have to get there, walk all the way around, and then walk up the top.
BETSEY: This is so fucked up. Why am I even talking to you right now?
ANTONY: Because you need someone to give you a good kick in the arse.
BETSEY: And you’ve taken it upon yourself to be the kicker?
ANTONY: That’s what I do.
BETSEY: Ugh. I didn’t even know that sport existed until about a month ago.
ANTONY: That’s because you don’t know yourself. You don’t know your family or your history or your culture.
BETSEY: You’re one to talk! You’re not even full Irish.
ANTONY: Neither are you.
BETSEY: What are you, anyway? Are you Lebanese?
ANTONY: That’s a very specific guess. Why would you guess that?
BETSEY: My dad, who is dead, by the way, spent a year in Lebanon as an exchange student. I feel like this is the kind of shit he would pull from beyond the grave. Send me some half-Irish, half-Lebanese athlete who is going to make me run laps around the field.
ANTONY: There it is.
BETSEY: What?
ANTONY: How do you Americans call it? Your… Daddy Issues?
BETSEY: I don’t have Daddy Issues!
ANTONY: You’re a beautiful young woman who spends most of your free time hanging around old men in pubs. You definitely have Daddy Issues.
BETSEY: Go away. You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met, and believe me when I say I’ve met a lot of very annoying people in my life. I knew from the first moment I saw you that you were going to give me a massive headache, and I was write. It’s been nothing but a headache since that night!
ANTONY: I’ll go away once you finish your hike.
BETSEY: I don’t want to finish the hike. I want to go back to my apartment and take a nap.
ANTONY: You’re not really going to give up that easily, are you? Why did you even come to Hong Kong if not to climb all the way to the top?
BETSEY: I just wanted to escape South Dakota. I took the first offer I got. It just so happened to be Hong Kong. It doesn’t matter anyway. Everything has been a complete disaster since my layover in Dubai.
ANTONY: If you give up now, it will all have been for nothing.
BETSEY: Seriously, you are literally the most annoying person I’ve ever met.
ANTONY: Come on. Get up. If you make it to the top, I’ll buy you a double cheeseburger.
BETSEY: You can’t buy me a cheeseburger. You’re a fictional character. I’ll buy myself the goddamn cheeseburger.
ANTONY: That’s the spirit!
BETSEY: [stands up and puts her backpack on] This is so fucked up.
ANTONY: [runs ahead] Hurry up, slow poke! We gotta get there by sunset.
BETSEY starts walking up the hill again, motivated only by the thought of this ridiculous man dangling a Five Guys bag in her face. It takes some time, but eventually she makes her way to the top of the Peak.
When she finally makes it to the top, she gives ANTONY a death glare as he takes a stretch and looks out over the bay.
ANTONY: How ya feelin’ over there?
BETSEY: Like you are evil and sadistic and just straight-up wrong. That’s the thing about Irish people. You seem so nice and friendly on the surface, but you can get really scary, really fast.
ANTONY laughs in spite of himself.
ANTONY: Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad.
BETSEY: I just want you to know that I don’t like you and we are not friends.
ANTONY: Oh, yeah, you just want to fuck me, right?
BETSEY: It’s a very complicated emotion, okay?
ANTONY: Doesn’t sound very complicated to me.
BETSEY: Just give me the goddamn cheeseburger already.
ANTONY: You have to walk all the way back down that hill first.
BETSEY: I swear to god, I will find 10,000 ways for you to suffer on this page. I can make it happen. I’ve done it before.
ANTONY: Grand. At least you’ll get some sleep tonight.
BETSEY: Ah, yes, I’m looking forward to having another nightmare already. Thank you so much for your service.
ANTONY walks back over to her and gives a her a playful tap on the rear.
ANTONY: Get down that hill or no cheeseburger for you.
BETSEY: You’re the worst character I’ve ever created.
ANTONY: Thank you. Now get down that hill!
BETSEY gives him another loathing glare as she puts on her sweatshirt and turns back around. When she gets back to the Visitor Center, she stops to take another break.
BETSEY: [whining] I’m tired and hungry and cold. And it’s dark! Can’t I just take the Tram back down?
ANTONY: What’s your step count?
BETSEY: 19,603.
ANTONY: [scoffs] Jaysus, that’s pathetic. You should be doing 20k a day minimum.
BETSEY: Oh, fuck you.
BETSEY takes out her cigarettes. Before she can take one out, ANTONY smacks it out of her hands.
ANTONY: No smoking!
BETSEY: Who the fuck do you think you are?!
ANTONY laughs at her with a mocking tone.
BETSEY: If you were real, I would slap you across the face for getting fresh with me. Give me my cigarettes!
ANTONY: No.
BETSEY: I really, really, really do not like you right now.
ANTONY: I’ve heard worse.
BETSEY: God damn you. I just wanted to get laid.
ANTONY: It could still happen.
BETSEY: Oh, right, because you’re gonna get on a plane to Hong Kong just to spend the entire weekend fucking my brains out.
ANTONY: [smirks] I’m thinking about it.
BETSEY: You’re a monster. I’ve created a monster. You’re worse than My Andrew!
ANTONY: We’ll see about that.
BETSEY: Fuck you and your fucking step count. I’m taking the Tram. I want my double cheeseburger with Cajun fries. I’m done letting you dictate my day!
ANTONY: Grand. I’m done listening to you whine and moan and complain.
BETSEY: Grand! Then get the fuck out of my head!
BETSEY takes out her Octopus card and heads straight for the Tram, only to discover it’s closed for the day.
ANTONY: Looks like you’ll be walking after all.
BETSEY: [whining] But it’s still 40 minutes away!
ANTONY: Best get a move on then.
BETSEY: You really are a sadist, aren’t you?
ANTONY: Wow, they really weren’t joking when they told me you’re a spoiled little Princess. No wonder you’re unemployable.
BETSEY: Oh, just fuck off.
ANTONY laughs again as BETSEY storms away angrily and heads back down the hill. Forty minutes later, she arrives at Five Guys, where she is forced to wait even longer for her meal. ANTONY goes up to the counter to pick up the bag and brings it back over the table. BETSEY reaches out for it desperately, but instead he dangles it over her head.
ANTONY: You gotta jump for it.
BETSEY: GIVE ME MY FUCKING CHEESEBURGER OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL MURDER YOU WITH THIS PEN RIGHT NOW!
Everyone in the restaurant stops and stares at them. ANTONY looks around sheepishly and sets the bag on the table.
ANTONY: Alright, alright, calm down. Take your bag. You’ve earned it.
BETSEY: You’re mean. I don’t like you.
ANTONY: That’s too bad. I think I might like you.
BETSEY: Well, unfortunately for you, I am currently in a relationship with this double cheeseburger, so you’ll have to find someone else to mess with tonight. Maybe your wife, perhaps?
ANTONY: I think I’d rather mess with you for now. You’re fun. You want to have some fun?
BETSEY: No. I want my cheeseburger. Now shut up and leave me alone!
ANTONY: Okay, okay, I’ll let you have your cheeseburger.
BETSEY glares at him and eats her cheeseburger without another word.
The End