EXT: A Muay Thai Gym somewhere in Bangkok, Thailand. The sign above the door reads “Jace’s Place.” A Grab bike pulls up out front and an Irishman hops off. He adjusts his little messenger bag and smooths his back. He takes a deep breath as he walks through the door. His name is HERMES.
Inside he sees a woman with short, straight bleach blonde hair dressed in a red two-piece yoga set standing in the middle of the ring. She glares at him as she plants her hands on her hips and taps her foot impatiently. She is LIZ.
LIZ: You’re late.
HERMES: I just came from Chiang Mai. I didn’t realize you were waiting here for me, Betsey.
LIZ: Betsey isn’t here today. My name is Liz.
HERMES looks her over and laughs.
HERMES: What, do you have multiple personalities or something?
LIZ: That’s right.
HERMES: Are you the good one or the bad one?
LIZ: I’m the one you don’t want to fuck with.
HERMES laughs at her again.
HERMES: Or what?
LIZ: Or you end up in a story like this. I have a whole collection of them. I write them when I want to take my revenge.
HERMES: And what, exactly, are you taking revenge for today?
LIZ: You. All of you. You dragged me into a mess that I don’t want any part of. You think I am just some stupid, naive little girl, but what you don’t know is that I have a very serious anger problem and I am going to take it out on you today.
HERMES: Why me?
LIZ: Because you have the most punchable face.
HERMES: So what? You think I’m gonna get in that ring and fight you?
LIZ: You have no choice.
HERMES: And what does Uncle Jason think about you using his place for this?
LIZ: He’s indisposed at the moment.
Cut to shot of UNCLE JASON tied up in a broom closet with a sock stuffed into his mouth. The scene quickly cuts back to the ring, where a THAI GIRL brings over a set of boxing gloves and presents them to HERMES.
HERMES: I’m not going to fight you, Betsey. I told you, I don’t hit women.
LIZ: That’s not what I’ve heard. And stop calling me Betsey. MY name is Liz. We are not the same. Now put on the goddamn gloves and get in the goddamn ring.
HERMES: I’m not getting in the fucking ring!
LIZ: GET IN THE FUCKING RING!
HERMES: Or what?
Suddenly, the door bursts open and a much older Irishman with long, wild hair marches in with a taser. He points it right at HERMES. HERMES gasps at the sight of the only person he is legitimately afraid of.
TASEER: Get in the fucking ring, Hermes.
HERMES: What are you doing here?
TASER GUY: [shrugs] Bit of a slow day. Now get in the ring.
HERMES takes the gloves nervously and climbs up into the ring.
HERMES: How did you even meet this woman?
TASER GUY: At the same place she met all of you. The American Bar.
Cut to shot of the inside of the American Bar, where all the lads are gathered to watch the Greatest Show on Earth. LYDIA, the bartender, cues up the TVs to play the live CCTV feed from the gym. She takes out a giant bowl and starts passing it around the bar.
LYDIA: Gentlemen, place your bets!
OLD MAN SMILEY: I’ve got 50 baht on Hermes! That little cunt doesn’t stand a chance against him.
OKLAHOMA: I don’t know about that one, Smiley. She’s got a lotta rage. I’ll put 100 baht on Betsey.
UNCLE SEAMUS: Ooh, this is a tough one. They’re pretty evenly matched. What does my beautiful wife think about this?
AUNTIE EM: [jumps up and down with a big smile on her face] Betsey! Betsey! Betsey!
UNCLE SEAMUS: Whatever you say, sweetheart. 50 baht for each of us on Betsey, but only because I enjoy watching Hermes get punched in the face. Never gets old!
CHICAGO EAST: I’ll bet 100 baht on Hermes. Betsey is just a spoiled little Princess. He’ll take her out in one punch.
FINN: This is not possible. You always underestimate this woman, Chi. This is your greatest mistake. I’m putting 200 baht on her knocking him out with one punch.
NEW YORK YANKEE: 500 baht and a round of shots on Betsey. She’s no delicate little lady, Chi. I agree with Finn. She’s gonna knock him right the fuck out.
MR. POSH: 500 baht on Betsey. She’s been to my house. She’s ridden on camels. She knows the date of the Norman Invasion. She’s definitely gonna win this round!
THE MOOSE: I will also wager 500 baht on Betsey. She might be a lady, but she’s a real Irish country girl at heart. I fully believe she can hold her own in a fight. What do you think, Antony?
Everyone in the bar turns around and looks at MR. ANTONY (aka the Hot Beef Stew). He sits in silence for a moment as he thinks it over. He then pulls a crisp, clean 1000 baht note out of his wallet and throws it in the bowl.
MR. ANTONY: I choose Betsey. That riff-raff Hermes deserves exactly what’s coming to him. I do not appreciate the way he interfered in our affair. He caused a lot of problems for me.
CHICAGO: I can’t believe you’re gonna bet 1000 baht on her after she called you a ‘dirty little slut’ on her blog!
MR. ANTONY: [shrugs with indifference] I deserved it.
MOOSE: I thought you didn’t read her blog, Chi.
CHICAGO: I don’t! I mean… sometimes I do… I mean… doesn’t everyone?
MR. ANTONY: That reminds me, has anyone seen Jason today? I feel like he should be here.
The scene cuts back to the broom closet, where UNCLE JASON finally spits the sock out of his mouth.
UNCLE JASON: [screaming] I’m gonna KILL that little cunt! You hear me, Betsey Horton?! I’m gonna fucking kill you!
The door to the broom closet suddenly bursts open. The TASER GUY stands in the doorway, holding his taser menacingly.
TASER GUY: You will do no such thing, Jason. She’s under my protection now. You leave her be or I’ll zap your dumb ass.
UNCLE JASON: Ugh! Fine! Will you at least let me go so I can watch the fight? I’m betting 10,000 baht on Hermes right now.
TASER GUY: You’re making a big mistake, but okay. Ladies!
Two THAI GIRLS come into the broom closet and help UNCLE JASON off the floor. They untie him and escort him to a bench by the ring. The TASER GUY takes a seat next to him.
The camera pans over back to the ring and re-focuses on LIZ and HERMES. Another THAI GIRL climbs into the ring to act as the referee. LIZ takes a step back from the center, puts her hands in prayer, and bows to him in respect. HERMES rolls his eyes and holds up his gloves.
HERMES: I just want to warn you in advance. This is going to be over pretty fast.
LIZ: It sure is.
REFEREE: Round 1! Go!
The bell rings to signal the start of the match. LIZ raises her arms above her head and lifts one leg into Crane Pose. She steps back gracefully into Warrior II and motions with her hand for HERMES to come at her. He steps forward to take a swing right at her face. Much to his surprise, she dodges him fast. He loses his balance and stumbles forward. LIZ promptly knocks him down onto the floor with a roundhouse kick to the face. He lands on his back and stares up at her in awe as she looks down at him with disgust.
HERMES: How did you do that?
LIZ: I’m a fucking yoga teacher, you dumb fuck. That’s how.
LIZ proceeds to beat the ever-living shit out of HERMES, destroying his perfectly punchable face in record time. The crowd at the bar watch in silent awe, their jaws dropping to the floor one by one.
LIZ: DON’T. [punch] YOU. [punch] EVER. [punch] MESS WITH ME AGAIN. [punch] DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
HERMES goes limp on the floor as she knocks him out with one last punch.
LIZ: Next time I’ll fucking curb stomp you, you little fucking bitch!
The REFEREE pulls LIZ off the poor bastard and holds her arm up in the air.
REFEREE: The winner is Liz!
LIZ rips off her gloves and throws them down on the ground so hard they bounce out of the ring. She lets out a primal scream of pure rage like none of these men have ever heard in their lives. It’s kinda scary, but also kinda hot? She spits on HERMES as she stands over his limp body.
LIZ: Happy St. Patrick’s Day, motherfucker.
LIZ storms out of the ring and disappears somewhere off screen. TASER GUY roars with laughter as he looks over at UNCLE JASON. He is frozen in shock.
TASER GUY: I told you it was a bad bet to take.
UNCLE JASON: But… but… what… I don’t understand how this could have happened. You fixed it, didn’t you?
TASER GUY: I didn’t have to.
UNCLE JASON: Fuck!
Meanwhile, at the bar, everyone is sitting there in stunned silence. The camera takes a moment to focus on each individual expression as it pans across the bar. LYDIA calmly stands over the cash register, counting out the winnings. She puts all of the cash in an envelope and hands it over to MR. ANTONY. As per usual, she is all business.
OLD MAN SMILEY: Wow.
OKLAHOMA: I told you she has a lotta rage.
UNCLE SEAMUS: That’s my niece, everyone! That’s my long-lost Irish niece!
AUNTIE EM: [smiles proudly] My niece! My niece!
UNCLE SEAMUS: That’s right, honey. Family. Not a threat. Family.
AUNTIE EM: [nods] Family.
FINN: I told you not to underestimate her, Chi.
CHICAGO: [stares at the ground with shame]
MR. POSH: That was fun! Let’s face it: That fucker Hermes has had it coming for YEARS! I don’t feel the least bit sorry for him. Sooner or later he was going to mess with the wrong person. I just didn’t think it would be… a girl.
THE MOOSE: [staring up at the TV with stars in his eyes] She’s not a girl. That’s a real woman right there. I think I’m in love with her.
MR. ANTONY: [pats THE MOOSE on the back in solidarity and chuckles] I know I am.
NEW YORK YANKEE: [gets out of his seat and rings the bell loudly] Lydia! A round of shots for the bar, please!
LYDIA already has the plate prepared. She passes out the shots and everyone holds theirs up high. Everyone except CHICAGO, who is still staring at the floor in silence. Just as they are about the take the shot, the door opens and BETSEY walks in. She has long dark, curly hair and is wearing a black maxi dress. Everyone freezes and stares at her in shock.
BETSEY: What are you all staring at?
NEW YORK YANKEE: How did you get here so fast?
BETSEY: What are you talking about? You know I only live one block down the street. I’ve been in my apartment all afternoon. I was taking a nap.
CHICAGO: But… but… but… that was you. It was you up there on the TV. It was you.
BETSEY: Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
OLD MAN SMILEY: What? You got multiple personalities or something?
BETSEY smirks at him knowingly and shrugs.
BETSEY: Maybe I do…
The Krewe looks at her with a mix of fear and awe as she walks up to CHICAGO and picks up his shot glass.
BETSEY: I’ll take that. Slainte, fam!
UNCLE SEAMUS: SLAINTE!
Everyone takes the shot. BETSEY walks over to MR. ANTONY. He hands her the envelope of cash.
MR. ANTONY: Your winnings…
BETSEY: Thank you, darling. See you later, everyone!
BETSEY walks out of the bar, clicks her heels together three times, and lands back in Hong Kong.
And they all lived happily ever after. The End.