Wednesday night.
Currently sitting at the pizza joint. I haven’t seen the owner yet, but I’m sure I will later. As previously stated in several posts, this is one of my “spots” I check into at least once a week. I told them I was going to Bangkok for one week but was gone for a month. I’m sure they will be relieved to see I was not murdered by the so-called “IRA” after all.
Anyways…
Yesterday ended up getting better. I am still annoyed with The Publisher, but I always am these days. It’s hard to have a serious, professional conversation with a sloppy drunk. I always leave our conversations feel frustrated and sad.
Spent the rest of the day sitting in the Irish Pub watching rugby to soothe the existential pain of living in this timeline. It worked! Then I went and took a walk up and down the Avenue of Stars in Kowloon, which is right along the harbor. It has the best view of the Island skyline. Kinda touristy but whatever.
I made it back to the observation platform in time for the nightly laser show. Unfortunately, it was too foggy for it to be that impressive from a visual standpoint. The musical soundtrack, however, was on-point. I really enjoyed that aspect. It was just nice to take a break and sit without any thoughts for awhile.
I took the Star Ferry across the harbor back to the Island side just for funsies. It’s super cheap and super fun. Great way to avoid the claustrophobia of the metro, especially because Central Station can be a nightmare at certain times of day.
We landed at the Ferris wheel and I headed straight to the Escalator, which is close to where I live. It feels so good to finally be able to navigate Hong Kong Island with some confidence. I still remember when I first got here and kept getting lost everywhere I went. It’s a great feeling to be able to walk a straight line through one of these grandiose mall mazes and be like “I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I AM GOING RIGHT NOW AND I AM GOING TO GET THERE FAST!” Hashtag: Achievement Unlocked.
Took the Escalator straight to my fav Mexican place to catch up with my favourite bartender. She was so happy to see me. I walked in and said, “Surprise!!!!” She ran out from behind the bar and gave me a hug. Then she hit me on the shoulder playfully and said, “You didn’t tell me you were leaving! We were worried about you! Finally I checked your Instagram and saw you were randomly in Thailand again. I was like ‘Ohhhh noooo what is she getting into over there this time?’ I’m so happy you’re back!”
I told her the follow-ups on the stories I’d been collecting there. She always smiles at me and says, “I’m so excited to read your book.” Then I told her I solved the mystery of the Hot Beef Stew. Her eyes lit up. “Show me.”
I dug through and showed her a picture. The other ladies on the floor all crowded around to see. They all agreed he was hot! Then I showed them a clip of him playing The Sport and they were *screaming.* All the girls were like, “OMG Becky, look at dat butt!”
I was like, “Yeah and he’s got that little streak of silver in his hair. Like not enough to look old but just enough to be Sexy Silver Fox status.”
At this, the other two men sitting at the bar lost it. They were both definitely in the 50-60 age range and Western AF. I’m sure it must have been a strange sight for them to see an American woman talking to “the help” as equals and friends, let alone giggling away as if we were all there for girls night.
I already knew one of the men from a previous meeting. The other had his earbuds in, but it was very clear he was eavesdropping by his reactions to everything he said. He revealed himself when I showed the girls the video clip. He just put his hands over his face and started laughing hysterically. When he looked back up again, his face was BRIGHT RED! He was in shambles, y’all! These men out here cannot handle being objectified by women the same way they objectify us. It’s actually hilarious.
I was happy to make them all laugh. My bartender friend even said, “Betsey, you need to do stand-up comedy! You are HILARIOUS!”
Or maybe just traumatized AF and this is my only way to cope, HA HA HA!
Sometime later, the place emptied out and I was left to ask the bartender the real question on my mind. I wanted to know what she knows about the “old man weirdos in Wan Chai.” I trust her judgment because she is Philippina. If anyone on this planet knows what a creeper is, it’s going to be her.
She took a moment to think about it, then said, “I used to work down there at a club. One night, my friend was working the VIP lounges serving drinks. She told me she walked in on a group of businessmen with an Indonesian sex worker and one of them was playing with her poop.”
Okay.
So.
Definitely not a place I need to be going around then, yeah? Yeah.
She said, “It gets worse.”
I said, “I know. Remember when I told you about the creepy old American guy that was dining out with two underage Russian girls who kept making jokes about him hosting their friend’s 15th birthday party? And he was loudly shouting to anyone who would listen, ‘What’s the FBI gonna do about it?! Come and get me?!’”
“Yes.”
We looked at each other and nodded in solidarity.
“I can’t wait for your book,” she said again. “You’re the only Westerner I’ve met who actually gets it.”
God help us all if that is the case.
I walked home alone in the rain under the cover of my new umbrella. Just for a moment, I felt happy. I don’t know why. I was happy they laughed at my jokes. I was happy they liked my writing. I was happy to spend the day watching rugby. I was happy to be in Hong Kong. I was happy I had met the Hot Beef Stew and to feel what I feel for him, even if it is not meant to be.
I was just singing, and laughing, and dancing in the rain!
[insert video clip of Betsey going full Gene Kelly in the Mid-Levels late at night]
Today I woke up so late. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t go to the coffee shop. I didn’t go anywhere. I slept all day long. I dreamed of the Hot Beef Stew, which was unexpected and strange. We were in my loft together. He was doing what My Andrew used to do at the beginning. He was fidgeting with his ring finger, which is always a dead giveaway. We kept doing what we were doing, then he got up to take a break. I watched him as he went outside and called his wife to tell her he would be home late.
I felt so sad in that moment. Just devastated. For both her and myself. I am so tired of being used, of being caught in the middle, of always having to settle for something part-time, only to be dumped and left with nothing yet again.
I woke up around sunset to sound of a cab driver laying on his car horn like there was no tomorrow. Seriously, it went on for three minutes, at least. Another driver honked in solidarity. Then I heard loud music blasting from multiple directions. It felt like the last dying gasps of a protest. It felt like this guy looked at his watch and said, “I’ve got three whole minutes before they get me. Let’s go.”
Game recognizes game. Mad respect.
I finally found the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I walked up the endless staircases and through the winding maze. I sat down at my favourite table. I ordered my favourite pizza and wine. And then… I wrote the story, as I do every day, because I literally have no idea what else to do with this life.
If the world does end, I hope I get to experience true love before it goes. My only wish in this life is just to love and be loved in return. I hope it happens for me. I hope I can feel it once, just once, even if it’s right at the end when we are holding each other close while the sky falls down around us. And then 1000 years later, they dig up our skeletons and find us embraced. It’s all I hope for, all I dream of.
Someday, someday…
Yeah, you can tell I am an artiste. I have the most ridiculous notions about what love is. I know, I know. It’s stupid. It’s not real. But you know… this is the only version I know. My family doesn’t love me. They have never loved me. No man has ever loved me. I don’t know what love is. I can only imagine it. I can only write down what I think it is on the page.
It is what it is.