Thursday.
Today is The Day That Doesn’t Exist, aka May 35th. I can’t actually write about it, so you will just have to look it up. This is an example of what people actually mean when they talk about censorship in China. That rule is for Big Important Stuff, not my small potatoes blog where I talk about my narcissistic family and the crappy small town I used to live in.
The people I write about think, “I don’t like what she said because it hurts MY feelings and makes ME look bad, therefore she shouldn’t be allowed to say it or write it all!” Then they turn around and continue treating me the exact crappy same way with ZERO self-awareness whatsoever. So it’s okay for them to be assholes to me, but I’m not allowed to be an asshole back. I should be censored for speaking to them the exact same way they speak to and about me!
You know what we call that?
Delusional AF.
Hope ya’ll enjoyed your reality check. You’re not that important in the grand scheme of things, and neither am I. It is what it is. I am at peace with this. That’s why I still do what I do without shame. Just take the same dumb advice you’re always giving me and just, like, get over it already!!!!!
Yeah, how see how shitty that sounds?
Exactly.
Anyway, yesterday was pretty uneventful. I mostly slept because I absolutely did not sleep after finding that cockroach in my kitchen sink the other night.
Oh yeah, so nobody told me until later that you’re not supposed to leave the corpse unattended because it attracts more. LUCKILY FOR ME, it did not attract more, so I came home to find the same singular dead cockroach upside down in my sink. So gross!
Anyway, I was just tipsy enough to give it a New Orleans Jazz funeral, which means I sang “I’ll Fly Away” as I scooped it up with the big kitchen spoon and dumped it in a trash bag. Then I danced down the hall swinging the (closed) bag around like a rag and dumped it in the trash. Perhaps now it will break free of whatever miserable reincarnation cycle its stuck in that turned it into a cockroach and level up in the next life. You just can never be too sure with things like that…
It’s a good thing my neighbor was there to kill it for me because it is 100% against my spiritual belief system to bring harm to an animal like that. I do not kill insects or spiders or cockroaches or anything. That’s why I have to enlist help and why I still feel guilty enough later to do something ridiculous like sing to a dead cockroach. Again, I am at peace with this. It is what it is.
As you may have guessed, I immediately started spiraling after the cockroach jazz funeral and ended up on the roof crying all alone about everyone I know who died in a very short, five year period of time. It’s a lot. My dad, my Irish grandmother, Mad Dog, my favourite aunt, my uncle I lived with in NY, both of my dogs that we had for 13 years, three of my cats (including my favourite), a very good friend of mine, and one of my favourite professors from university.
Oh, and then there was the whole “losing my entire family” thing after my dad died because my mom realized it was finally her big opportunity to make me the Family Black Sheep, just like she’s always dreamed. How dare I stand up for myself and assert myself! I must be forever punished for my insubordinate behavior with the silent treatment!
Yeah, it’s a lot! Especially when you’re on the other side of the world, all alone with no one to talk to about any of it. Yeah, I cried a lot. It is what it is.
I sensed my neighbor come outside in the middle of it. Doing yoga increases one’s awareness of other energies, so you can sense people when they’re standing there, even if you can’t see them. Just Basic Jedi Mind Trick Stuff. Also, I can smell the smoke from his cigarettes. Dead giveaway right there.
He didn’t come over to me or say anything. I just felt him standing there watching me sadly, as if he was thinking, “It’s not really about the cockroach, is it?”
I found myself saying aloud, “You don’t understand. You still have a family you’re close to. You’re not all alone out here like I am.”
He didn’t say anything. He kept hiding in the dark, but I knew he was there. I could smell the smoke from his cigarette. A few minutes later, he went inside.
I think he’s a good friend. He’s been very helpful to me in so many ways. I’ve legitimately felt much calmer since he confronted me on the rooftop and asked me why I’m always acting so crazy. It’s one of those things like… I really just needed to be seen and heard and acknowledged in that moment, and he did that for me.
You really have to think about it from his POV. He’s seeing me when I’m not wearing the mask or out in public pretending to be someone I’m not yet in order to “fake it until I make it.” He’s seeing me crying on the rooftop on bad days and coming home from a night out drunkenly singing and dancing. He’s got the Front Row View of the entire show, completely raw, unedited, and unfiltered. He’s seeing me in Full Unhinged Crazy Mode, and instead of judging me, he reached out to help me. That means a lot.
I feel bad about objectifying him now. He’s not just some hot beefcake. He’s a human being with thoughts and feelings, just like I am.
Awww.
See? I don’t hate men. I just need to deal with men who aren’t complete assholes. That’s hard to find in this world.
Honestly, I think I’m just not used to kindness in this world. Most of the people I’ve known in my life have been really mean, negative, and on a mission to hurt others in order to elevate themselves. So when someone is actually genuinely kind to me, it’s incredibly jarring and shocking.
I still can’t believe he actually sat down with me and gave me real, practical advice for finding a job that legitimately worked. No one in my entire life has ever done that. They either give me some big lecture or tear me down to the point where I feel like I don’t deserve to exist.
The point is that all they do is speak words at me. There is no actual meaningful action behind their words. They’re just saying whatever sounds good to them so they can pat themselves on the back and say, “See? I tried, but SHE didn’t LISTEN!”
That’s because all you did was talk at me. You didn’t actually do anything meaningful to help me change the situation. That’s not helpful. That’s just basic narcissism. You think you’re a brilliant genius who knows everything and is better than everyone, so you talk down to everyone else as if they are beneath you. Then you wonder why I don’t listen. What are you actually saying? What are you actually doing?
To me, you might as well be typing out the same 5 paragraphs every person I’ve ever met has written to me about all the reasons why they hate me and why I shouldn’t exist. That’s not helpful. No sane, rational person in this world would look at a pile of hate mail they got in response to looking for a job and think, “Wow, that was SO helpful! Thank you so much! I’ll remember this when I’m still broke and homeless and living on the streets. Thank god you were here to lecture me during my time in need! I really benefitted from that!”
Please know at this point, I really do ignore the pile of hate mail I get from everyone. Yep, I get it. You hate me, you hate my personality, you hate my writing, you hate everything I am and have ever been and ever will be, you don’t support me, you want to see me fail, you wish I was dead so you wouldn’t have to deal with me ever again, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
Gee, it’s a really a mystery why I never listened to any of those people! Someone get Agatha Christie on this case, stat! Surely she will be able to figure out why someone wouldn’t listen to some dumb fucking townie hick from the middle of nowhere dole out thinly-veiled personal attacks disguised as completely impractical life advice. That’s definitely one for the ages. Sure that’s the story that will be getting new film and TV remakes once a decade, at least.
Meanwhile, my neighbor solved that mystery fast. He just sat down with me and was like, “Ah, so you’re upset because you’re unemployed. I see. Let’s take a look at your CV and cover letter and fix it up to make you really shine. We’ll get you sorted, no worries.”
Anyway, I really appreciate how kind he has been to me. He really did not have to help me at all. I try to give him as much space as possible and don’t bother him unless it’s an emergency (such as a giant cockroach in my sink). Boundaries, right? I can’t be 100% needy all the time. I have to at least try to figure out as much of this on my own as I possibly can.
In the end, I think he was probably just sitting up there on the rooftop thinking, “How do I get my annoying neighbor to shut the fuck up? Let’s confront the problem directly and see what can be done to get it all sorted.”
It is now sorted. If there’s one thing British people are good at, it’s getting things sorted. They do not care for chaos. They care for calm, control, and order. Combined with the Hong Kong value of Efficiency Above All Other Things, this man found a way to deal with his crappy neighbor without being an asshole, and it worked. Good for him! I respect that.
Anyway, yeah, he’s awesome. I want to get him a snack from 7/11 or something to thank him. I’m big on gift-giving like that. It’s generally not very well-received for some reason, so maybe I won’t get him anything at all. I don’t know.
Anywayyyyyyyyyz…
Still waiting on the job thing. They asked me to come in next week to do a test run with some of the classes. I think that’s a good sign! They seem to invest a lot of time and energy into training. They said it was something like four months of training time, as opposed to my old company. They gave us one week of training total. If you make any mistakes during that week, you’re out on the street and you somehow owe them money for the trouble. Brutal.
No wonder my confidence was completely destroyed after that job. I barely had any in myself when I got here and then they destroyed what little I had. It took a whole year, numerous adventures, and many dates with hot, sexy beefcakes to build up a basic level of self-esteem. I’m not sure I even still have any. Yet somehow I am still here, still swimming around in this shark tank, still keeping my head just above water.
That explains why I’m still worrying over whether or not I will actually get the job, even though I was technically already offered the job and they’re in the process of doing the onboarding paperwork. I refuse to get comfortable. It could all still go horribly, horribly wrong. I could still end up homeless on the street with nowhere to go and no one to help me. The risk of homelessness is always there. Always. This is my greatest fear.
I just hope it all works out. Law of Attraction. Manifestation. Visualization. I am standing in a random alley surrounded by red lanterns and glowing lights, wearing a vintage emerald green qipao and holding a bouquet of pink roses, posing for an instagram influencer photoshoot. I am celebrating. I got the job. I got the visa. I got the apartment. I got the Chirkin. I did it. I am a real Hong Konger now. #Chinamaxxing.
So much to do today. Gotta run to the market and find all peppermint everything. I’m going to deep-clean my apartment and coat everything in peppermint oil. Burn peppermint-scented incense and candles. Cockroaches hate peppermint!
Maybe I’ll just buy myself a peppermint plant and keep it on the kitchen counter where I found the cockroach. Never again.
Nothing else to write today. Just grateful that I met so many people on this journey who helped me. I never would have made it this far on my own. I’m lucky for the kindness of strangers. I didn’t know people could be so nice. It is truly a jarring experience of the best kind.
Off now. Have a good day! Try to be kind to someone for no reason today instead of ganging up on them in an effort to ruin their life for your personal entertainment. I know, it’s hard, especially if you’re from South Dakota, but somehow… I think you’ll manage.
