Sunday morning.

The coffee stand was closed, so I had to go to Cafe Amazon. Now I’m sitting on the fountain outside of my building watching the street instead.

I spent the majority of the afternoon yesterday sitting at the Pot Shop with the Sardinian Guy. He ordered pizza for us for my birthday. He’s always ordering us pizza. This is one of the perks of hanging out with Italian men. There’s always delicious food around.

Unfortunately, I decided to switch from beer to the Kratom tea. As you will recall, I have only drank the Kratom tea once before. It was the night I met the British Guy. I thought, “What harm could it do?” I drank one glass of it. When they served me the second glass, they handed me a straw. The straw was just a regular black straw. It was not, as my mind was suddenly trying to convince me, the Loch Ness Monster.

Yes, I saw the straw turn into the Loch Ness Monster and start talking to me. That’s too much for me. I was like, “Nope. I don’t need this. Imma head out.”

My brain already works in completely insane ways. I don’t need to see the Loch Ness Monster swimming around in my tea in addition to everything that’s already there. I don’t need that. That’s not expanding my mind. That’s just not right.

I know what you’re thinking right now: What did the Loch Ness Monster say to you, Betsey?

It said, “Don’t be feeling so bad about what happened, lass. You can be a Guinness Mistress. It’s a job that comes with perks, like a seaside cottage in Ireland. You can come hang out with me. I’m not the only one of my kind. There’s all sorts of magical creatures in the Emerald Isles.”

That sounds too good to be true, Nessie. I don’t believe you. I’m going to stop drinking this crazy shit and go home right now. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what is this? I make out with a hot Irish Guy one time and now I’m hallucinating a conversation with the Loch Ness Monster? That’s not even Irish, it’s Scottish. That doesn’t make any sense! Also, why is the Loch Ness Monster wearing a top hat and drinking Guinness?

I promptly ran to the bathroom and barfed my guts out. The budtender told me to go to 7-11 to get some Vitamin C. She said the Kratom tea does not agree with everybody. I said it definitely does not agree with me.

I got the Vitamin C, took a pill, then fell asleep at 8:30pm. No exciting adventures down at the American Bar took place. I could not have handled it after how fucked up I got there on Friday night. So fucked up. Everyone was fucked up. But I, especially, was super fucked up. I don’t remember much of anything, just that I went crazy, like usual.

Drunken tirade? Okay. Seeing the Loch Ness Monster swimming around in the Kratom tea? Not okay. Apparently that’s where the line is for me. Ridiculous.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a very strong sense of, “Get your shit together, Betsey. This is ridiculous. You can’t live your life this way. You need to get it together.”

I am totally getting it together. I’m working on a Sunday. Who does that?

I have an Irish jig stuck in my head now. This is ridiculous. Way to call my ancestors back from the dead. This has truly been an Experience.

One of the perks of sitting on the street like this is that there is a constant stream of beefcakes walking to and from the gym nearby. Love the view. Great scenery here in Bangkok.

Gotta love it.

I should do yoga or something. Go to a spa. Treat myself with kindness for my 37th birthday instead of poisoning myself with alcohol and drugs and making bad decisions with men at the bar.

“Whatchu want from me, Monster?“

“Oh, just about tree-fitty.”

“I ain’t givin’ you no goddamn tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster!”

“I gave him a dollar.”