Friday.
I literally cannot keep a straight face right now. I cannot. I am in public trying to mean mug and be serious and yet… LMFAO!
I have this hilarious disco song stuck in my head. They use it as a sound clip on the TikTok. I don’t do TikTok because I don’t want to destroy my brain, which is literally what it does to people. Anyway, yeah, the song is that Rasputin jam by Boney M. The lyrics are just… HILARIOUS!
I can’t.
This song was funny before, but now I have an actual person to picture in my mind’s eye when I hear and it’s like… wow, this is surprisingly accurate. Okay! But yeah, I totally get what they’re saying though.
Won’t somebody please do something about this OUTRAGEOUS man?!
Hahahaha!
Those Russians… they are really something, aren’t they?
No, I have not heard from him again, which basically confirms my theory that he was married and lying about it. Whatever! This is what they do! I’m telling you. I’m not going after them on purpose. They show up with no rings on their fingers and then they just lie, lie, lie, and I have to find out the truth later.
Sucks!
Yeah, so maybe stop blaming “the other woman” and tell your husband to keep his dick in his pants. Hold these men accountable, for god’s sake!
When I met him, he asked me if I was going to “cancel” him for being a “big, strong alpha man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to take it.” No, sir, I will not cancel you for that, but I will cancel you for taking me on a fuck date to the Mandarin Oriental and not letting me soak in that giant tub! That is the real crime against humanity! That bathroom was the same size as my entire studio apartment! And you won’t even let me soak in the tub while you take a nap?!
Now that is truly Outrageous!
Hahahahaha!
I have totally and completely stopped giving a fuck, as you can clearly see.
Happy Passover to All My Relations! Freedom has come! I have been released from the chains of slavery and I have crossed the sea! I no longer have to pretend I care about what men think or want, which is great because I literally don’t.
Screw marriage and family and children and the big McMansion in the suburbs! I am OVER it! I just want my hoes in different Area Codes. As the famous poet Ludacris once said, “I bang cock in Bangkok, Can’t stop, I turn and hit the same spot, think not, I’m the thrilla in Manila, Schlong in Hong Kong, Pimp ‘em like Bishop, Magic, Don Juan.”
Honestly, I liked my Irish guy better. Now that’s the man I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with after one night! Oh, but I did. I love my Hot Beef Stew! Sometimes when I’m sad, I still look at the pictures of him kicking the ball around the field. He was so hot! And yet… so duplicitous!!! So far I would say, he is both the best and worst of them all.
If we are being truly honest though, neither the Russian nor the Irishman were the best in bed. The true winners of that contest were my Latin American friends. In hindsight, I think the Man with a Plan from Panama was probably the best. He really did fix my canal! I would bang him again, but only if he got on a plane and came to see me. I’m not making any effort for men anymore.
I have decided men in their 40’s are fun. I never got any real dating experience with guys close to my age when I was living in SD, mostly because there were none around. If there were, they were soooooooooooo sloppy and ugly and always wearing camo and holding up dead animals in their photos on Tinder. That is sooooo not hot!
So I ended up dating men who were like 20-30 years older than me. There were three of those. Guys in their 50’s… meh. Guys in their 40’s? Okay! They’re hot, they work out, they have money, they want to have fun with their money, they go to the gym, they work out, they have just enough life experience to make it interesting, and… did I mention the part about going to the gym and working out? Yeah, gonna be real… that’s literally all I really care about at this point.
Bring me the six pack! I love beefcakes! Magic Mike me or get the fuck out!
Going younger is… meh. Guys in their 20’s might look hot, but they are SO annoying! Gen-Z is super fucked up. All they do is watch TikTok. Plus, I feel like they want me to be their mommy or their teacher or their babysitter or something. I am not into that!
Plus, they’re always complaining about how broke they are. They expect ME to be their Sugar Mama. I’m just like… no. I am the Sugar Baby here, not you! I worked hard! I suffered so much! I put up with so much bullshit for so many years. I don’t want to listen to you complain. I want to go soak in the gigantic tub! You better get me the giant tub, or we will not be friends.
Anyway, I’m just writing this to let the Russian know that I definitely did NOT fall in love with him. Look at my options! Just look at them! Okay? I already helped raise a child (my sister) and look how she turned out! She’s a spoiled, ungrateful little brat who is dating some creepy predator and acts like it’s normal. She has learned NOTHING from me, and actually continues to vilify me to this day for calling her out on her stupid bullshit.
In addition, I had to stay home and live with my family until literally 10 months ago. I am NOT in a rush to go back to the nightmarish prison of suburban family life. I want to write my blog and live in the big city and fuck hot guys from all over the world and then make a stand-up comedy special about it. So that’s what I’m going to do!
….
I actually am really bitter about the whole bathtub thing. This man promised me a Pretty Woman fantasy and I didn’t even get to go in the tub. That is BULLSHIT and you know it, Carrie!
Outrageous!
I’m not saying I wanted to fuck him in the tub. That’s how you get a UTI. I’m saying I wanted to soak in the tub while he took a nap. Bath time is my favourite self-care ritual. I don’t want some random man in my tub disrupting my private time! That is for me!
There was also no piano sex either, which is disappointing, but also an unrealistic movie fantasy. Can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have your ass on the keyboard? Ouch! Plus, I might be a small lady, but I got a big ol’ booty, so I don’t think I would even fit on the keyboard.
This is what happens when you think too much.
Anyway, the point is that a bed is the best location for sex and everything else is unrealistic and uncomfortable.
Honestly, I think I am really missing out by not exploring my bisexuality to the fullest. I should just go bang one of these super hot Thai chicks. I mean a woman, not a ladyboy, which is an important difference! The ladyboys don’t really do it for me, personally. Not my thing. I can’t work with the combination in that manner. I either need like a big hot strong alpha manly man made of muscles, or like a really soft, delicate, pretty lady with clear skin and perfect hair.
The other problem is that Thais do the whole “sick water buffalo” thing. They will get you every time. Somehow. I respect their game, I really do, but I also don’t want to play it. It is what it is. So, yeah, I could have gone for it in Thailand, but I also watched every single Western man in a 100 mile radius walk into that trap. It was one big “hell nawwww to the naw, naw, naw!”
Anyway, whatever. I don’t chase. I attract. I attract them all, like flies to honey. I will literally just be sitting there staring at my iPad with full-on resting bitch face and these men love it! They love it even more when I am mean to them. I will just start being mean to them all the time.
This is what my Filipina Auntie taught me this week. Her dating advice was literally, “Be mean to men. Tell them they are ugly and that you don’t like them. Remind them constantly that you have a line of handsome men waiting for you to give them attention. If they give you trouble, just choose another one. You are too busy all the time to deal with their bullshit.”
Best dating advice ever. I love it. And I’m gonna take her advice, because she’s got some rich old Western guy wrapped around her finger right now. She says her nickname for him is “My Ugly” and he loves it! Like she tried to change to “Sweetie/Honey/Baby/Darling” and he was like, “No I want you to call me Ugly!”
She said that when she met him, she literally said, “You are so ugly. I don’t like you. Go away. I’m busy working.” After that, he got down on his knees on the floor and was just begging to take her on trips all over the world and buy her gifts and do the whole thing. She made him wait for like six months! Now they are “together” but only when she wants to see him. She was already married once and never wants to do it again. She makes him get on a plane and come see her. She doesn’t have to do shit for him. I respect the fuck out of her game!
She also says to keep all the receipts. She has the receipts. She showed me proof that everything I just told you is true.
Amazing. 14/10, would take this Master Class again.
My name is Betsey Horton, and this is my Villain Origin Story.
The End!