Monday morning. Back at the coffee shop again.

I did not do anything yesterday except watch TV and re-hydrate. I am still re-watching Emily in Paris. It’s making me think a lot about my life and my choices, which is probably a good thing considering I have done nothing but get into trouble since I returned to Bangkok. Time to be a little more serious. I say that every day, but still I sit and stare out the window and stew over absolutely nothing.

I didn’t want to move again at the end of the month when my current visa is up, but I think it’s best for now. I need a change-up. Time to go on another adventure. Get away from the routine I’m in. Collect some new stories. Have a new experience.

Hanging out with my friend from Singapore on Saturday night got me hyped up about Shanghai again. I’ve always wanted to go there. It’s the Paris of the East! Style game strong. I just ran a google search and found so many job opportunities there. The money is stupid good. I still think I should give China another chance. Hong Kong is complicated, but Shanghai has a totally different vibe. I should just go for it.

Update: made myself a new resume profile on this Chinese job board. I hate that I always have to make a new profile and fill out the same five pieces of information over and over again. Why do we even have AI if it’s not accomplishing this bare minimum task? Ridiculous.

It’s all about mindset, blah blah blah. My problem is that I keep letting dumb shit that doesn’t matter distract me, like random jerks I meet at bars who contribute nothing significant to my life. I have resolved to stop doing that. I need to quit wasting my time and go volunteer at an animal sanctuary or something. Why am I even in SEA if I’m not doing anything productive with my time?

I’m struggling with the amount of choices I have. There’s too many. I have to have 10 profiles on 10 different websites just to constantly send out my CV and hear nothing back in return. It’s so frustrating. I know, I know, it’s all about who you know, but I don’t know anyone. I know random jerks in bars and most of them are quite mean to me for no apparent reason whatsoever. So, whatever.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’m just sitting here in front of a screen feeling overwhelmed. It’s easy to want to run away from this. Avoid all the hard work and just escape to the bar, escape into the book, follow whatever crazy character I encounter tonight. Yeah, yeah, so I’ve had some experiences and written a lot, but I can’t escape the feeling that it’s not sustainable. I need to make a big change. I need to rise above this former life I’ve been trapped in.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about why I keep running away back to these bars. I realized it has a lot to do with my family. I never felt safe at home. My parents were always screaming at each other or me. I was always being scapegoated for everything. No one ever had to take any accountability for the ways they hurt me. My mother constantly sabotaged my opportunities. She would just destroy everything. It doesn’t matter what it was. If it made me happy, she did everything she could to try to take it away. This is why I don’t speak to anyone in my family anymore, especially my mother. She’s pure poison all the way deep down into her soul.

For so long in SD, I had no escape. My only escape was the bar. Then I started writing this book about Bloody Mary’s and it was left unfinished and unresolved, again because of deliberate sabotage, so now I am here in Bangkok finishing the book in order to resolve whatever needs to be resolved. I am not quite sure what that thing is, but I definitely feel like it’s coming closer to being resolved every day.

Well, now I don’t need to escape my life anymore. My life is mine to make of it what I choose. The only problem is that I don’t know how to choose. I keep choosing things that are just… wtf. I don’t even know. It’s not that I regret it, it’s just that I compare myself to others and think I should be in a different place in life.

Right now it feels like I don’t want to escape from my life to go to the bar. I want to escape from the bar so I can go live my life. I don’t know how to extract myself now. I suppose it’s a daily choice. I chose not to go yesterday, I choose not to go today, I choose not to go tomorrow, and so on and so forth.

I think time takes the pain away. There is no more pain to wash away anymore. Only a clear path in front of me that I must choose to continue walking down. I can choose to step off the path, or I can choose to keep going, wherever it may lead.

Well, it’s not so bad. So far it’s led me to the other side of the world. Let’s just stay positive and hope for the best. 🙂

Off to do the job hunting now. Time to hustle…