Go shawty, it’s ya birthday. We gonna party like it’s ya birthday. And you know we don’t give a fuck cuz it’s ya birthday!!!!

It is my birthday, and last night I received the most amazing gift from my Irish family: a tin of butter cookies.

Yasss Queen! If you’ve ever received a tin of butter cookies, you already know it’s the best gift ever.

I handed out the little packs of cookies to everyone at the bar, but somehow ended up with three left for myself. Let me tell all y’all, these butter cookies are great when you’re hungover AF, like I am right now. Plus, the tin doubles as storage. You don’t just throw something like that away. Receiving a tin like that is a special gift.

So thank you, Irish Family!

The theme of the week is Ireland, and we are sooooo here for it, fam! Yasss! I am here to say that there truly is nothing in this world better than my Irish Family. Shoutout to my ancestors from the Emerald Isles. Thanks for packing up and getting the fuck out of dodge and coming to America and stealing some candlesticks to fund the trip somewhere along the way.

We had it hard, but it made your descendants strong. Shoutout to all my relations today!

This post is absolutely not a Fawn Pawn Move at all. Not at all. There is no one interesting here at this bar right now. Definitely no one from the IRA here at all. Nope. Nope. No. I didn’t see shit, I didn’t hear shit, I didn’t say shit.

Anyway, this tin says these cookies are Dutch, but we all know the truth about the Dutch, yeah? Just a bunch of colonizers, the whole lot of ‘em. They’re still exploiting Indonesia to this day. True story. I just went to Bali and saw it happening live in real time. It’s absurd.

I have zero memory of anything that happened after midnight at the American Bar. None. I even ate before I went, and they still got me fucked up on all the shots. And then I had to pay for it all, and I had no money, and like, did I even pay my tab? I’m pretty sure I paid my tab. I think I actually left, went home, got money, and came back specifically to make sure my tab was not left unpaid. I will double check today. I am not a person who likes to be in debt. Once you’re in debt, they own you. Nobody owns me. I am a free woman. Americaaaaaa, fuck yeah!

Also, I learned last night that all the men in the bar think I have an agenda. And that agenda is to become the biggest slut the world has ever seen. LOL!

Hilarious.

Now I understand the life of a Bond Girl. Everyone thinks you’re a whore, meanwhile you’re raiding his pockets while he’s passed out drunk in your bed after repeatedly failing to get it up. Then you just sell whatever information you find on the dark web for huge stacks of cash.

It is what it is.

The end!

Anyway, here we are, broadcasting live from Bangkok, just Snoop Dogging the fuck out of this birthday. I am so here for it.

And here I thought I was actually going to turn into one of these soulless workaholics in Hong Kong. Lol, that’s funny. That’s sooooo not me, but I’m glad I went for it anyway. Shoot for the stars, even if you land on the moon.

It’s okay. I still love Hong Kong. I love India. I love Dubai. I love Bangkok. I love Bali. I love traveling the world!

This is my dream come true right now. I am traveling the world, meeting ridiculous people, and living my best James Bond/Indiana Jones/Carmen Sandiego Life!

Who is Carmen Sandiego? Who is she? Where is she? This is the 90’s revival we need right now! I could write this movie right now based on my experience on Monday night alone. What am I even doing with my life right now?

What am I doing with my life right now?

I am Seizing the Day! Hello James Bond! We on that hellafied gangsta lean. I am so here for it right now. I am living the dream. Just for this moment, just for this time, I am out here living it and enjoying it, knowing fully well it could all end tomorrow.

I have Seized the Day.

I keep thinking to myself how fucked up I was last night, and how I don’t remember much of anything, and that this Irish Guy probably feels the same way, and now he’s slowly discovering that he fucked up in a big, big way.

Yet somehow I still feel like… no… this man made a choice. He knew what he was doing. That was something. That was really something. I don’t know what it was, but, yeah… that was really something.

Anyway, now I’m just getting pissed over it, as they say on the Isles. Team No One. We’re just giving it a new collective name. Guess what? You’re the new Gulf of America, bitch. It’s just that level of ridiculous.

Haha, I feel like Hilary Clinton right now. I’m just out here watching these men put on their little show. Hahahahaha, I soooo totally get her now. I think I always got her, but now I really get her. I get all of them. Hilary and Kamala and AOC and Michelle. These are my girls. Yaaaaaaasssss Queens!

What is my last precious memory from last night? Oh, there several.

First this American Guy was telling me he “would tear my ass up, but he doesn’t think I could handle him.” Oh, I can handle you, but what I’m really hearing right now is that you can’t handle my Scorpion Pimp Juice.

Talking ‘bout my pimp juice, whaaaaaaaatttttt!

I wasn’t into it. I thought he had a girlfriend. I met his girlfriend. He says she is not his girlfriend. She’s definitely his girlfriend. These men just be out here wildin’. It is what it is.

I personally wasn’t into it, but okay. That checkpoint definitely got registered on my radar, lol.

Anyway…

So then we have this table of Western Expat Bros. We waited some time to be invited to this table, but we finally got there.

There is an American Lawyer there. He says he knows who my dad is. That’s why he doesn’t mess with me anymore. I don’t mess with him either. It is what it is.

There is a teacher who could be a journalist if he knew what he was doing, but he doesn’t. His eyes are very haunted. He looks at me like he knows… we could have been reporting in a war zone together in another life.

Then we have our friend from the IRA, who is very out and open and proud of his identity. I can tell they got him young. The programming is strong with this one. He says they had him building bombs at 16. I understand him better now. He is stuck at the age of his trauma, just like I am. That is why he is so young in his heart and in his face.

He is the one who gave me the tin of cookies.

As an aspiring Diplomat of the United States of America, I humbly accept this tin of butter cookies as a bribe birthday gift from the great nation of Ireland. Thank you so much. God bless Ireland. May the sun always shine over your shoulders and the wind be at your back.

Hashtag Love It!!!!!

Gotta go now. One of the Italian Stallions just came into the bar. It is the Sardinian Guy. He is complaining because his Hot Chef friend wanted to take him to some “hot new restaurant in Nana Plaza” and guess what? It was just another water buffalo scam, lol.

Thank you to everyone out there for reading! Have a happy birthday!!!!!!