Sunday afternoon! Currently sitting at what is clearly the best burger joint in Bali with a large Bintang (local beer) with an order of cheese fries and a cheeseburger on deck. It’s right down the street from my new apartment. Good choices were made, good choices were made.
Fuck being a vegan. Fuck the all natural healthy juice cleanses. Fuck the whole bullshit yogi lifestyle. Just give me the goddamn cheese fries and get the fuck out.
It is what it is.
You know how I know cows are sacred? Because they become cheeseburgers when they die. The End.
My new apartment is FABULOUS! I wasn’t sure to expect. It was definitely an adventure to get there from the street, especially with the four bags I’m currently towing along. You guys should see my arms right now. I’m jacked as shit. It’s all yoga and dragging these bangs all over SEA. Why go to the gym when you can just carry a large bag with everything you could ever need?
But yes, all that being said, it’s perfect. It’s just a nice little private studio in a villa with a massive bathtub, a balcony, and a little kitchenette. There’s two different desks for whatever writing vibe I’m feeling that day. It’s quiet because it’s off the street. Otherwise, the biggest security issue is the monkeys, so I have a very elaborate lock on the front door they cannot open with proper training from a certified locksmith.
Pause. Holy fucking shit. That was the best cheeseburger I’ve ever had. Oh my god. Wow. You guys really missed out on a show right there. That cow was already dead and I just massacred it even further. I did not hold back. I just housed it in record time. It was all over my hands and face. It was not glamorous or classy or even remotely ladylike at all. It was just pure indulgence.
People walking by on the streets were definitely watching me as they walked by. Parents shielded their children’s eyes from the sight. The women all looked at me with disgust. The guys were like, “Alrightttttt. That’s my dream woman right there.” Then I looked and saw all the guys sitting outside of the tattoo parlor across the street just staring at me with their jaws on the floor.
Hope you enjoyed the show! I’ll be performing it every day for at least one week. Same place, same time. Tickets are cash only. Must be paid in USD.
Amazing. Incredible. 99,000 star review. Will be back again to sample the whole menu. Give me all the burgers. Next time, I’m getting a double.
This is my favourite neighborhood so far. Love it. Except for the part that it’s mostly tattoo parlours and there’s a restaurant that shares my Vampire Ex’s name. That’s annoying. I had forgotten about him somewhere between the second glass of rosé and the charcuterie board last night. Alas.
Well, I have nothing else to say on the subject at this time. Like, sorry you suck? Your loss, not mine? Here’s a video of me housing down a cheeseburger in record time set to the tune of MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.” Bye Felicia!
Awww, I know, it’s hard, but you know what would make you feel better about seeing yourself on the page this way? The movie Down With Love. It’s one of my favourites. I think you’ll really appreciate it after this difficult experience.
Yeah, seriously, you guys. Screw being a vegan. I cannot live on salads and smoothies alone. I need soul food like this.
Incredible. Just amazing. Yes on yes on yes. I haven’t felt this good since I fucked that Mexican guy in Bangkok. Honestly, the cheeseburger might have been better. Woo. Amazing. Just very happy right now. 14/10, no notes.
Looking around at the street I’m on and this was the best pick. There’s yoga studios, spas, bodegas, this epic, amazing, legendary burger joint that will forever be immortalized on the page now that a writer has fallen in love with it. It’s a vibe. I am motivated AF to get my ass down to the immigration office and extend my visa now. Shut up and take my money!!!
Also they said they would give me a really good deal on my place if I extend my stay for a month, so… definitely worth considering.
I might have to go back there right now since I basically just put myself into a food coma. Sign me up for an afternoon nap now and a hot lemongrass tea bath later. The real comedy begins when I accidentally leave the window open a crack and the monkeys begin their invasion in search of human food.
Okay, off to order another Bintang and doomscroll Reddit again now that I’ve finally invested in a VPN. I don’t even know what the fuck you guys are doing over there in the USA anymore. Crazy.
Have a fabulous day not living in Bali!
XOXO, Gossip Girl