Here we are, post-cave adventure. Wow. What a day. This is what happens when you set a specific, powerful intention before going into a meditation cave. Something very significant definitely happened to me today.

I can’t explain it. I just dove right into the darkness, taking everything I’ve learned on my yoga journey with me. It was some real Empire Strikes Back type of shit. I can’t describe it. I can only say that the darkness was what I desperately needed today.

I needed to be in the cave. I needed to go back to the origin of the universe. You know, metaphorically return to the womb. It worked. I came out of there feeling reborn. It was epic.

Then I created for the first time in a long time. I wrote a Bloody Mary’s story. It feels good. I have befriended my enemy.

And then I texted the British Guy and told him I wrote about him. He only read the Bloody Mary’s story. He had some questions but generally he liked it. I’m sure it would make more sense to him if the rest of it was public here, but I’m not ready for that yet. I think I can pick up this manuscript again now. It was just… so hard for me to get to this point. But here I am.

I thought he would sit down and read more, but he didn’t. I guess he thinks it’s just the one story. Little does he know…

He was actually quite amused by it. I was afraid he would do what most people do and blow up at me. You know, write me some long, obnoxious screed visciously attacking me, as per usual. He didn’t. He was just like, “I like how self-referential it is. Very [some random author I’ve never heard of here]. The ending isn’t great. It just kinda drops off. Is there more?”

Yes, yes there is. This cave is very, very, very deep. So deep. I’m not convinced he can handle the depth, but we’ll see. I got pretty deep today. I’m not sure he was prepared for it. But I also felt like… he probably kind of likes this. I’m just not sure about how I feel about him. I don’t have to be sure. I can just chill here in Bali.

Tomorrow w are going for an outing around the island. Should be fun. I just hope I can come back strong on Friday. I was pleasantly surprised when I emerged from my cave and found everyone in the shala waiting for me with smiles on their faces, wanting to check in and make sure everything is okay. I don’t usually receive that level of support from anyone, so it was strange to have a group so concerned for me. I felt like… wow… this is what the yoga community should be.

Total opposite of India. India was so complicated. I think I’m only now starting to process how messed up my experience there actually was. It doesn’t matter. I don’t regret it. I’m glad I went. I did it. It was a good experience regardless of the situation with the guy.

I still wonder about him sometimes. I hope he’s doing okay and he got the help he needs. I send him good vibes, but I don’t want him in my life. Not after he left me alone in Dubai like that after making so many promises to me. I was going to marry him. I had the fucking papers on me. I had a wedding dress in my suitcase. It was real to me. But now I see I was just being taken for a ride. It’s hard to admit to myself that I was so stupid, but he got to me when I was in a really dark, vulnerable place. I just wanted so badly to believe it was real, but it wasn’t.

There’s a reason he’s not a character. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s just… painful. I invested so much and got nothing in return. It’s so hard to tell the story because everyone who hears it is like, “Wow, you really fell for that? You’re a fucking idiot.” Yup. That’s right. I am an idiot. Yes I am.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. All of this is just part of my story. Today I am reborn. Now it’s time to leave it in the past and just move forward…

I need to go to bed now. Today was so intense. I cannot even begin to describe how deep I went into my mind and body and soul. It’s something that you can only experience for yourself. You just have to be ready to face whatever comes.

Take the bull by the horns!

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi to All My Relations! May all the obstacles you encounter on your journey be removed from your path.