Wednesday.

Had to leave my morning class because I suddenly became overwhelmed and filled with chaotic, scattered energy that I could not get under control. I politely asked to be excused, then promptly disappeared into the rainforest and had a full-blown meltdown. I just started crying and couldn’t stop.

I was probably out there for about 30 minutes before one of the teachers came down to talk me through it. Now I am sitting in my room/cave in the dark with only a candle and this iPad for light, trying to calm down so I can come back to class after lunch and finish the day strong.

I really struggle with Yin Yoga and this is why. All my shit just comes out and I can’t control it and I get overwhelmed by the amount of pain that I feel in my body and my mind and my soul and I just can’t do it anymore. So I knew this would happen, but it’s still kind of like… embarrassing… and I feel so much game because I can’t keep it together like everyone else can. I can’t hide it. It always comes out. I can’t control it. It just gets me every time.

This is why I came here to learn because I am in so much pain. Everything that happened, everything I’ve lost, everything. Everything. It’s so overwhelming. You just don’t understand how much pain is underneath all of the anger and the rage. You just don’t know. I try to release it through writing and art and yoga and dance and it’s like this never-ending fountain of pain that I can’t turn off. There is no way to “just get over it.” There is no being resilient or strong. It’s just always there, lurking in the back of my mind, storing itself in my body, just always there.

There’s always something more to add to the pile of shit. Someone else always has to pile on. I just want it to stop. I just want to be free. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I wish I could just turn it off, but I can’t.

I have no choice but to sit here and feel it. Just feel it. There’s no suppressing it with alcohol or weed or sex. It’s just there and I have to feel it. I have to let it out. I have to release it. That’s what’s happening to me right now. That’s why I can’t stop crying. I can’t make it stop. I can’t turn it off. I just have to sit here in my little cave and feel it all.

At least I’m safe here. I am safe here. I am safe in my cave. Nothing can hurt me when I’m here. I just have to process what I feel. I just have to feel it. I have to let it out. It really fucking sucks, but at least I’m safe in my dark little cave with my statue of Ganesha watching over me.

I swear this statue is magical. I found it in a random thrift store in Bangkok. It has a little candle holder. It fell out of my suitcase when I was unpacking in the last apartment and one of the hands came off. I felt bad but now there’s a little hole that fits an incense stick perfectly, so it’s fine. Ganesha doesn’t care. He’s like, “it’s cool. I don’t need that hand. I have three others. Let’s find a new purpose for this empty space.” Like, great. Cool. Okay.

I was leaving offerings of mixed nuts in front of it in Bangkok, but I can’t do that here because the ants will come fast. I explained that to the statue and it was like, “That’s okay, I get it. I’m from India.” Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy. In the West, if you say, “The statue is talking to me,” they throw you in the looney bin. In the East, they just tilt their head and say, “Well of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be talking to you? You are talking to it and it’s answering back.”

It’s not the statue that’s speaking to you. It’s the spiritual entity the statue represents. Like yesterday, I had a whole conversation with the Buddha. I didn’t mean to. I just happened to turn around and see the statue looking at me and suddenly it just… started talking to me. Like a voice that wasn’t mine was telling me the story of the Buddha from a first person POV. It was comforting and I really needed it.

I don’t know. Don’t @ me. I’ve seen people talking to pictures of Jesus and crosses mounted on the wall. People talk to their gods all the time. It’s not actually that weird or strange. The only people who get upset about it are people who think you should only talk to one particular god or people who think there is nothing there to talk to at all.

Atheists are so annoying, btw. Like, it’s cool if you don’t want to believe in anything, but people who do believe don’t want to hear that our beliefs are stupid. We just don’t. I mean, I don’t. You don’t get to decide what my beliefs are and you can’t convince me to change those beliefs because they’ve come from a place of deep, deep pain and suffering. So if I need to have a chat with a little statue of a fancy elephant to feel better, that’s my right.

So thats my whole vibe. I also don’t like being told by Christians that it’s the only correct religion and all other religions are the work of the “devil.” That is so fucking offensive to the vast majority of people on the planet. You don’t get to decide that. We are all here for a reason. We are meant to be diverse in our beliefs. It’s great that you love Jesus, but you need to stop acting like it’s the only right way to believe. It’s not, and I personally don’t believe Jesus would be cool with you being an asshole to people who are different than you.

Okay, I need to lay down in the dark and re-center my energy. I am feeling so overwhelmed and chaotic. Writing is helping. Praying is helping. I just need to take a minute and relax in the darkness and breathe. I’m just feeling so… ugh. I am not okay. But I’m more okay than I was when I started writing this post. So that’s good…

Off now. To the bat cave!