Sunday night. I should be asleep but I’m not, of course. Why? Because I’m writing, of course.
I’m writing because I’m currently sexting with the British Guy and he’s so hilariously bad at it, LMFAO! I can’t even. The Britishisms. lol. I’ll give you one excerpt because I literally just can’t.
“I’m going to [verb] your [noun] like an all-you-can-eat BANQUET.”
LMFAOOOOOO it’s not a buffet. It’s a banquet. First he tells me I’m worth 100 kills, now he’s gonna take me to an all-you-can-eat banquet.
This ain’t no lame countryass buffet like the Cracker Barrel. Oh no, I’m too good for that shit. I’m a classy lady. After all, I am “His First American.” I’m special and you don’t just take a special lady like me to a buffet. You take them to a banquet with like, goblets and silver platters full of giant drumsticks and fur-lined capes with long trains and crown jewels everywhere and servants to cater to your every whim.
British people. Gotta love them, even when you kinda just wanna hate them, but only because of the Revolutionary War.
Hahahaha I can’t.
This happened because he messaged me out of nowhere tonight asking if I was still in Bangkok. I was surprised, honestly. I really didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again. I asked him what happened to his whole “wanting a local girlfriend” thing. He’s just horny, lol. I explained that I’m celibate because I’m at yoga school in Bali for a month, but we can definitely meet up after. I have a lot of pent-up sexual energy and it needs somewhere to go.
So then we just started chatting. And now he’s gonna verb my noun like an all-you-can-eat banquet.
Not gonna lie, he almost killed the conversation earlier. He did. He brought up that crazy choking shit again and I just shut it right down in the most epic way. I just said, “Oh baby, that stuff isn’t real. It only looks good in porn. I’ll show you what real pleasure looks like. You don’t need to do any of that fake, performative shit.”
And then he recovered from this epic fumble by offering to take me out to a banquet. Cause it’s fancy AF and so am I. Let’s all be real here. I am not someone that you can just casually strangle without getting arrested for attempted murder in the first degree. I am someone you take to a Black Tie event and he fucking knows it. Somewhere deep down in his little lizard brain, he knows it.
Just shut it down when these guys start that shit with you. Just shut it right down. You’ll instantly be upgraded from “sex object he shags in secret” to “trophy girlfriend decorating his arm at the next company banquet.”
Why do I feel like both of these options suck?
Anyway, thank god I’m at the yoga shala for a month and not at the American Bar in Bangkok with this guy. He literally just asked me to come meet him there and I’m like, “How many drinks have you had? And why are you always going out on Sundays? Who the fuck goes out on Sundays?” Aside from me, apparently?
Haha, this trip has been so great. I went from a South Dakota 1 to an International 8 in just three months. I had the hardest time dating in SD. Everyone was afraid of me. They just hate anything that’s different from that crazy 1880 Town shit they’re all on. International Guys? Line ‘em up. They are not afraid me. They just wanna tap dat ass. I’m the one who has to be dragged out of the all-you-can-eat international lunch buffet to go to the fancy banquet. I’m in heaven over here.
lol I love that.
“Come to the American Bar!”
“Sorry, can’t. I’m in a different country now!”
Blue Balled AF.
Area Codes by Ludacris has been stuck in my head all night. It’s my favorite song. I’m not kidding. It is literally my favourite song. It has been since I was like, 17? At least? I know all the words and I can rap right along with them. I love all the puns. I love trolling people who ride in the car with me by saying “I’m the Abominable Ho-Man.” I love to sing Nate Dogg’s part the most.
Is it cuz they like my gangsta walk, gangsta walk?
Is it cuz they like my gangsta talk, gangsta talk?
Is it cuz they like my handsome face, handsome face?
Is it cuz they like my gangsta way, gangsta way?
Ooooooooh
Whatever it is, they looooove it
And they just won’t let me be!!!!
———
Hilarious.
Well, let’s see how long this little pen pal lasts before he meets the “local woman” of his dreams. Should be pretty entertaining in the meantime.
Meanwhile, somewhere in India, there is a man who is deeply regretting his recent life choices. It is what it is, and what it is is definitely not my problem anymore.
Okay, I have to go to bed now because it’s 2am and I need to be awake at 6:30am for yoga class. Hopefully I actually sleep tomorrow night…