Currently sitting in a random park somewhere. I am very grateful I got to have a nice afternoon lunch on Monday because this week has been terrible.

Did I ever get any sleep last night? No. Did I fuck up 2/3 of my presentations this morning? Yes. Oh my god, did I fuck up hard. It was humiliating. They all think they sucked, but I’m the biggest joke of them all.

It didn’t help that I got lost in the same mall both on my way to work and while trying to find my way back to the MTR after I had to buy a new outfit at a random shop because I got my original one too sweaty doing yoga in a different park on my lunch break. Yes. And when I finally found the MTR, was I too late to get back to work on time? Yes.

Then I wandered out the wrong entrance, realized I had no idea where I was, and promptly melted down in this random park I took refuge in across the street. I probably just cried for like 25 minutes straight. It was a disaster.

All of it just hit me at once. The sleep-deprivation, the jet-lag, the brain fog, the hunger, the dehydration, the anxiety, everything Trump does, the fact that my dad is dead and I have no family and my boyfriend left me two days into our vacation to a foreign country, and now I have fucked up my job, yet again, all because I cannot handle my emotions like normal people can. Wonderful.

Now I’m going to be homeless. Like for real. I have nowhere to go and I have no idea if there is a job in this world that I am even capable of doing and I hate the fact that there are so many people who were waiting for this exact moment so they could laugh at me and tear me down. Now they’re getting exactly what they all want. I have failed. Again.

But for a minute there, I really believed that I finally had it. I had the job, I had the apartment, I had the boyfriend, I had the new life in the big city and everything I’d been working towards for so long. I had the stability I’ve been craving for so long. Now it’s all fallen out from underneath me and I have no idea what I’m going to do now.

I mean… it’s not like I can tell my workplace. They will not understand. They will just be total dicks about it, based on what I’ve seen and read. Severe sleep-deprivation is not an excuse here. You must always be perfect, no matter what else is going on. And if you can’t be 100% perfect 100% of the time, you’re out on the street. That’s it. It is what it is. it doesn’t matter. They hired me to be disposable. They will have someone there to replace me tomorrow.

It’s not like this culture is unique to China. I mean, the U.S. is exactly the same. That’s why I left. I’ve struggled all my life to be perfect for other people and I’ve failed every single time. Here is just another failure in a long line of failures.

I have no idea what to do right now. I just want to give up and go home and try to get some rest. Might as well since they’re gonna fire me and kick me out tomorrow. I’m going to be homeless.

Now what?

Now what?

I don’t know. I did the only thing I could think of. I took out my iPad and I wrote a story. Here it is. Now I guess I’ll have a cigarette. I don’t know what else to do.

Can’t find my lighter, of course. Guess I gotta walk back to 7/11. I’m just giving up now. It’s over. They’re going to fire me. I’m going to lose everything. My nightmare from the other night wasn’t an anxiety dream after all. It was a warning. My brain knew before I did and it tried to warn me.

Meanwhile, last night, when I did manage to get three whole hours of sleep, I was haunted by visions of the Hindu god Hanuman, which actually makes sense because that’s my ex’s “main god” or however you refer to it in Hinduism. He’s basically the patron saint of beefcakes and bodybuilders, lol. Bless this gym, you guys. So at least I’ve got him on my side, right? Not sure who I would like to see punched in the face at this exact moment in time, but… actually I’m totally kidding. We all know who I want to see punched in the face repeatedly. It’s Trump and his squad of goonies. Ugh. Disgusting.

See, they wouldn’t even let me back into the U.S. at this point if I tried. They’d read this blog and be like, “Nope.” Guess who’s not going to a prison in El Salvador or The Sudan? That’s right. Me.

Might as well try to get some sleep before it happens.

Maybe I’ll know what to do when I wake up again.

In the meantime, I hope all of you out there who are reading are laughing at me. You got what you wanted. Again. Laugh away.

——

Back at my apartment now. I cried the whole way home. I like Hong Kong. I like my new life. I just wish I could rise to the challenge. But I couldn’t. I failed. But I just keep thinking… I had everything I ever wanted. Just for a brief moment in time. I was so grateful to have it. I’ll always be grateful I had this time. I learned so much about myself and the world around me. I’m grateful I got to enjoy it, just for a moment in time.

I’m sad it’s all over again. Just like that. Ugh. I don’t know what to do now. I got a phone plan, I got my Hong Kong ID, I left all of my worldly possessions behind. I figured out where everything in my neighborhood is and how to navigate the public transportation system. The only thing I couldn’t do was the job that I came here to do.

I feel lower than I did when I lost my job at Starbucks. This was my last hope. Now what do I do? I’m going to be homeless in one of the most outrageously expensive cities in the world. I am fucked.

I feel so sad right now. Not only do I feel like a failure, but I’ve learned what everyone in the world really thinks of neurodivergent people. I’ve heard how they talk about the kids and I’ve seen the way they treat the ones who can’t hide it or don’t quite fit in. I wonder why I was chosen to be special. I don’t want to be special anymore. I just want to be stable and not homeless and do my job and fit in. But I can’t. I never have and I never will. So I know deep in my heart that when those people talk about those kids that way, they’re talking about me too. And I just can’t. I just can’t…

I am heartbroken right now. I have no idea what I’m going to do. But I know one thing for sure: I am never going back to South Dakota ever again, and I am definitely not going back to my ex-family that treats me like human garbage because I’m not 100% perfect 100% of the time.

I’m going to eat something and have a calming tea and try to rest before I try to navigate the nuclear explosion I accidentally set off.

Ugh.

This is sooooo unfortunate. I wish my dad was here. I mean, it wouldn’t help. All he would do is threaten a lawsuit and never make good on it. It’s the only thing he knew how to do. It wouldn’t make a difference. It’s not going to solve my problem. It’s not going to fix me. Nothing and no one can fix me, not even myself. I thought I did everything right this time and I still sunk down right back to where I started from.

I have truly never felt so low in my life.

Maybe eating something will help…