Thursday afternoon. Currently sitting at the airport, pissed off as usual. Whoever said traveling was cheap over here lied to me. They straight up fucking lied. Here I have been sooooo worried about exploiting people and I just got straight up fucking robbed at the check in counter. And now my flight is delayed as well.

I’m so mad right now. I hate airports. I hate flying. I just want my McD’s and my beer and to never, ever go through this shit ever again. I am never flying Air Asia ever again. They are the worst. This is nothing but highway fucking robbery. They saw my American passport, took my money, and ran. It’s bullshit.

So now I’m on my way back to Bangkok. At least I know what’s waiting for me over there. No surprises this time. I’m just gonna get on this stupid plane and fly to Bangkok and then when I get there, I am going to The American Bar and I am eating pad Thai and I am hitting up my favourite smoke lounge and sitting on the rooftop and that’s that. And then tomorrow morning, I am going to that lady’s amazing little coffee stand and I will feel somewhat normal again.

How did I end up in this position? Well, let’s see. Yesterday was Rosh Hashanah so I answered the Muslim Call to Prayer coming from the mosque next door and sat before my bizarre little altar filled with a mix of things and prayed for the Palestinian people. Then I asked for direction in life. A little voice in my head said, “You should go back to Bangkok.”

So I woke up this morning and booked a “cheap” ticket to Bangkok, which was not actually cheap as it turns out because they robbed me blind at the check-in counter. Ugh!

Then my taxi driver was Chinese-Malay so he suggested I get a job in China so I can make a fuckton of money and then I won’t be so stressed when I travel. Okay. Great. China it is. Show me the money! Sorry in advance for Dump. I have nothing to do with that. I promise I’ll work hard to learn Mandarin to make up for it.

So now I am going to Bangkok and moving back into my old neighborhood that feels like the closest thing to home I’ve encountered thus far in SEA, and I am going to hustle until I find a job in China. Then I will live in ONE PLACE for a year and make some money. Then I can go on all the mini vacations to fabulous beaches with one bag so what happened to me today never, ever, ever happens to me ever again.

This is why I prefer to fly Emirates. Just saying. You get what you pay for. No surprises. Just luxury.

Lesson learned. Being homeless abroad is fucking expensive. I hate this. I’m so over it. So, so, so over it. Motivation magically found! Hurray. Nothing motivates you to get a job like getting robbed by Air Asia, I guess? Hurray.

Never again.

This is my face right now: >:(

If you’re wondering, I’m saving all my credit card points for a first class ticket on Emirates. It’s my “Dream of Beauty,” as they say. They have a bar on the airplane, a snack bar, a full dinner menus, a wine list, and the in-flight movie selection is epic. If I have to fly across the world to get back to the U.S., I want to enclose myself in a little pod that turns into a bed and not be bothered by anyone or anything. Yes. It is worth waiting for.

Someday.

I’m so pissed off right now. I feel so betrayed. Even my little stuffed dog, aka Andrew the In-Flight Anxiety Manager, looks pissed off. It’s funny. Sometimes the fur goes over his eyes in a way that makes him look happy. Right now he looks big mad. Am I projecting my emotions onto a stuffed animal right now? Yes. Yes I am. That’s why I’m carrying a stuffed animal with me onto an airplane at age 36. Because I will have a meltdown if I do not.

Take notes, y’all. This is how you befriend your enemy. By turning him into a cute little stuffed animal and taking all of his evil power away. The end.

I’m just very intensely focused on what’s waiting for me on the other side of this ridiculous airport experience right now. That’s all that counts.

Do I find Bangkok to be slightly scummy due to the Passport Bros? Yes. However, I have some very positive memories there. Like meeting Rare Pokémon, who I still think about all the time even though I will probably never see or speak to him or bang him ever again. The last one makes me the saddest, honestly. But still. Nice memory. I would rather fixate on that than Andrew or any of the other stupid idiots I was with.

Oh Jesus, I totally forgot about the British Guy. What if I see him again? Ew. I’ll probably just laugh and ask him if he found his local girlfriend to use a punching bag in the bedroom yet. I’ll be surprised if all the Fake News he consumes hasn’t completely rotted his brain yet. That meltdown he had at me via text message was… really something. Definitely preferred the Rare Pokémon between the two. It’s not even a contest. We don’t even have to put them in the Muay Thai ring. The battle of the Bangkok Boyfriends already has a winner. This time, the Mexicans defeat the Colonizers, and they all lived happily ever after, The End.

I can’t understand why no one is reading my blog right now. This shit is so entertaining. I’m laughing my ass off over here. I guess I need to turn it into a book so people will read it.

Speaking of robbery, the bartender just offered the guy who sat down next to me a three bottle Heineken deal, which I was not offered even though I ordered a Heineken. Is this sexism? That’s bullshit. Look at all these people out here trying to rob me after I’ve said nothing but kind things about their country. This is bullshit.

More reasons to hate airports.

Whatever, I need to get some food anyway. All I’ve consumed today is two instant cappuccinos and an Indonesian cigarette. Plus, I am planning to get absolutely shitfaced on giant Changs at the American Bar tonight. So. I don’t need your stupid “deal” anyway.

Here’s my opinion of Malaysia so far: Wow, what was that?

This trip is ridiculous. At least it makes good content for writing. What more is there to say? This is what happens when the White Lotus goes Digital Nomad. W.T.F.

Okay, I am done with this blog. I will update you again when I am back in Bangkok after I have gotten shitfaced enough to reconcile this entire ridiculous experience.

The end.