*TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains descriptions of assault and domestic violence*

Saturday afternoon. Two weeks and three exams down, one week and three exams to go.

We started Aerial Yoga today. It’s pretty intense. I’ve never done it before so the first two rounds were hard on me. The silks put a lot of pressure on your hips and lower back, which is where all the trauma is stored. I’m sure you can already guess where this is going for me.

I had another nightmare last night. This time it was about the guy that threw me into a wall. That was in 2014 around this time. It might have even been today. I don’t remember anymore. I would have to look at the police report I filed against him. The charges were dropped because he’s a spoiled rich boy whose daddy bailed him out. It was neither the first nor the last time he assaulted a woman. Naturally, everyone in town took his side because they’re all a bunch of misogynist trash. I lost quite a few “friends” over it. Turns out they’re the type of people who are only capable of posting liberal memes on social media. They can talk the talk, but they don’t actually walk the walk. Yet another reason I despise South Dakota.

This incident is only one of many reasons I think so lowly of them, btw. They became worse over time. Have I mentioned lately how grateful I am that I don’t live there anymore? Because I absolutely fucking hated living there. Imagine being assaulted by the newspaper referred to as my “sometimes boyfriend” and then being told by the people you thought were your friends that you’re just making it up for attention. Trash. All of them are trash. Sorry I’m not sorry. You’re all fucking trash.

Anyway, so this is the shit that came up for me this morning when I was suspended upside down against a wall. Lovely! The memory came flooding back so fast. Suddenly I wasn’t in Bali anymore. I was there, in his bedroom, at the exact moment he picked me up and threw me across the room into the wall. I landed on a table and broke it. He went into a rage and ripped the railing out of the stairway and threw it across the room at me. I was naked at the time.

He screamed at me to get out, so I grabbed my dress off the floor and ran downstairs s fast as possible. I threw on the dress, grabbed my bag, ran outside, jumped in my car, and drove to my parents house as fast as possible. I got out and ran outside and woke them up. I was screaming. They got mad at me for waking them up and just sat there and stared at me as I cried hysterically and told them what happened. I remember my dad was standing there in shock and my mom just glared at me like “You woke me up for this?” because she’s an evil bitch with no soul.

In that moment I realized they couldn’t help me. They wouldn’t help me. So I got in the car and drove myself to the ER. When I arrived I was in a total state of shock. I just walked right up to the desk and said, “He threw me into the wall. He threw me into the wall. He threw me into the wall.” They put me in a room and examined me. That’s when the domestic violence advocates came. They talked me through what happened and helped me file the police report.

Later in court, they tried to use the fact that I “waited an hour” to file the report against me, again because they’re fucking disgusting trash. They tried to say we never had a relationship. He tried to say I was crazy and stalking him, which is absolute fucking bullshit. He lied under oath, directly to a judge, something my father taught me never to do, and all of them took sides with this scumbag. Why? Because they’re fucking trash. No morals, no dignity, no values. Just sucking whatever dick will pay them the most. Trash.

My father would not help me with my case. I still don’t understand why. Later he yelled at me for going to court without a lawyer. I screamed at him for failing to protect me when I needed him the most. He said I must have done something to deserve it. I never, ever, EVER forgave him for that. I never looked at him the same. It was like my father died in that exact moment. Everything else that came after is meaningless in my life.

Well, conveniently for him, he’s dead now, so he just gets to Force Ghost his way out of it. Such bullshit. Meanwhile, I have to fly to the other side of the planet just have to sit here and “find forgiveness” and “open my heart chakra” and “learn to love through the darkness” and all that other bullshit. Sometimes I really hate being the one who has to do all the work by myself.

So I had to spend 2/3 of my first Aerial Yoga lesson ever working through all of this bullshit. Needless to say, I’m exhausted now, and not exactly thrilled to go back. It’s okay though. I’m not trapped back there in that horrible little town with all of those horrible little people.

I’m in Bali now. I’m safe, I’m free, and I can fly. I can fly, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly!

Now I’m flying away! Goodbye, terrible memory. You don’t own me anymore. You don’t control me anymore. I’m safe, I’m free, and the power of the pen rests with me.

I can fly!

I know I’m mentally in a safe space when all I can do is sing Disney songs. This one is from the problematic feature, Peter Pan, which contains some incredibly offensive, racist, and straight-up disgusting depictions of Native Americans.

It also has this song…

Think of a wonderful thought
Any merry little thought
Think of Christmas, think of snow
Think of sleigh bells, off you go!
Like reindeer in the sky
You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!

Think of the happiest things
It’s the same as having wings
Take the path that moonbeams make
If the moon is still awake
You’ll see him wink his eye
You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!

Up you go with a heigh and ho
To the stars beyond the blue
There’s a Neverland waiting for you
Where all your happy dreams come true
Every dream that you dream will come true

When there’s a smile in your heart
There’s no better time to start
Think of all the joy you’ll find
When you leave the world behind
And bid your cares goodbye
You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!

There it is, Wendy!
Second star to the right and straight on ’til morning…

When there’s a smile in your heart
There’s no better time to start
Think of all the joy you’ll find
When you leave the world behind
And bid your cares goodbye
You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!
(You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!)