Friday afternoon. Spent most of the morning in bed but couldn’t sleep. Too many nightmarish visions floating around in my head. My body needs the sleep but my mind is terrified of the nightmares I keep having.
Literally why do I have to constantly dream about being assaulted? Yes, it’s happened to me in my life, but it was a long time ago. Not counting the British Guy threatening to strangle me and slapping me across the face without my consent during sex. Okay, yeah, I guess that counts as assault. You’re right, body. Still, I don’t need to relive it every night when I go to sleep.
Why can’t my body just process it and move on? Why do I have to keep dreaming about it?
It’s really fucking with my head today. I have to do my exam for the Sound Bath and I can’t focus. I couldn’t work on my flow or written exam this morning. All I could do was sit there and have flashbacks of every time someone has assaulted me in my life, whether it was this guy or the guy who threw me into a wall in 2014, or the guy who raped me, or various family members, including my mother and sisters (none of whom I’m currently in contact with).
I’m not okay right now. I don’t know how to deal with this problem. What is the point of doing all this yoga if my body is determined to keep the score no matter what? I hate this shit. It’s like every time I get over one thing, another monstrous, evil, difficult memory pops up. It’s just an endless well of shittiness. I just wish I could make it stop.
I have no idea how I’m going to give this exam when my personal vibration is so low. Maybe giving the Sound Bath will raise it up a bit. I don’t know. Right now I’m annoyed at this creepy troll who keeps leaving weird comments on my site without properly identifying themselves. Every time I get one, I’m just like, “Who is this? Why are you speaking to me in this weirdly familiar, cryptic manner? How do you have time and energy to do this?”
Who even knows. Some people are just too comfortable behind the mask on the internet. It’s actually pretty sad and pathetic. I just don’t get it. I have all the free time in the world and I use it to learn new languages and watch TV. Can’t relate.
Anyway, I’m just so exhausted right now. I’m tired of this. I finally get my grief sorted and it’s back to reliving the violence against me every night when I sleep. I’m over it. These guys deserve to be lonely. I’m tired of hearing about it. It’s such bullshit.
I have to go now. I’m so tired. I want to sleep but I don’t want to have another nightmare. I wish I could just smoke a joint. Alas. I am in Indonesia and it is not possible. You can destroy the rainforest with a chainsaw and exploit people in poverty, but heaven forbid you smoke marijuana for medicinal purposes to alleviate your difficult, traumatic nightmares. Straight to jail!
Absurd.