I am here in the cave. I am the cave. The cave is me. I am safe.

I feel like the chaos of the universe is inside of me. I feel it. I see it. I am in this meditation clearing my mind. The mind is not clear. The mind is in full Big Bang Mode. Where there should be nothing, there is an explosion scattering me into a zillion tiny pieces, each of which grows into its own unique system.

I am the stars. I am the galaxies. I am the Milky Way. I am the sun and the moon and the earth. I am a thousand tiny little specks of dust, dressed up in high heels and waltzing around. I am life.

I don’t know why I’m here. Does anyone know why we are here? No. There is no reason for any of us to be here. It’s all just random chaos. We are the ones who like to think there is some sort of meaning or plan.

I am sitting in the dark with a single candle to light the way. I do not worry that the darkness will come. Somehow I know this oil will be burn for eight days. That’s the story I was told when I was a kid. I remember the stories of Hannukah and Passover, how we survived in the cave with only enough oil for one night, yet it lasts for eight.

Is it me? Is it us? Why can’t I understand why these stories mean so much when I wasn’t even raised in the Temple? What is my family hiding? Why do I feel like I don’t know who I am? Are these stories encoded in my DNA? I don’t understand why they feel so close to me. That Bible they thumped at me my whole life never meant shit to me. Ever. Not once in my life could I ever relate to anything in that book. Why?

I just realized I didn’t take my menorah out of my suitcase. It should be there next to Ganesha. Where is the tree of life? The tree of life should be there be his side.

I am crying again. All day I’ve been crying. I don’t know why. It’s everything. Another student told me I should go running to burn all of my energy off. That’s what my dad used to say. They said it the exact same way my dad said it. It was so weird. I just responded with the same joke I used to say to him, “Why would I go running if there’s nothing chasing me? I don’t want to run unless there’s a monster behind me trying to eat me.”

And then it all rose up inside of me so suddenly. No warning. Just chaos filling up my body all at once. I was meditating on the root chakra. Stability. Family. Home. Belonging. I don’t have that anymore. I’m a homeless bag lady living out of her suitcase. I don’t have a house. I can’t keep a job. I can’t wear the mask I need to survive in this world. I can only sit in this cave and wait for enlightenment to come.

I am the cave. The cave is me. The cave is the universe. The universe is me. I am the darkness. I am the light. I am everything everywhere all at once.

I am not so wrapped up in my own story right now. It feels meaningless. We are all suffering. We are all in pain. We are the same. Same same, same same.

I am the bat. I am hidden away safe in my cave, hiding from the brightness of the day. I can hear the rain pouring outside. I can hear the birds singing in the rainforest. I can hear the sounds of construction around me. I can hear the voice of the teacher. I can hear and feel everything going on outside around me. I can sense the dangers, yet here I know I am safe. I am hidden away, safe in the darkness of my little cave, with only a single candle to light the way. Nothing can hurt me here.

Finally, I am safe.

I am safe.

I am safe.

I am safe.

I need this moment today. This is my lesson I need to learn. I need to be here today. I need to be safe in this cave. I must respect my body, my mind, my soul. I need this cave today. I need this safe space. I need to feel connected to my root again. How can I stand strong when there is no solid ground beneath me? I cannot. I need a solid foundation to build my house upon or else it will collapse. That is why I always collapse whenever I try to build something new. There is no solid foundation there for me to stand upon. I don’t know if there ever really was.

It seemed like there was. It felt like there was. How can you grow up with the privilege I had and not believe you were standing on solid ground? But the truth is that it’s not that simple. It’s never that simple.

It doesn’t matter. The past is gone away. Now I am here. I am in the cave. I am the center of creation in the universe. I am the universe. The universe is me.

I am going to lie down now. I am the cave. The cave is me. I am safe here now.

I am safe.

I am safe.

I am safe.