Saturday afternoon. Currently sitting in airport hell because I ended up missing my flight. Managed to get on the last direct flight to Bali tonight. Of course, it got delayed. Now I will be landing around 1am if I’m lucky. Ugh.

Definitely missed my flight because I had another massive anxiety spiral. I was finally able to talk myself down from it, but I missed my flight as a result. So basically I made everything harder for myself, again, because that is what I do best. Regardless, I got another ticket and I’m getting on a plane tonight and tomorrow I will be at the yoga shala and none of these problems will exist anymore. I will just have to sit in the cave alone and confront my own shit. You know, like that scene in the Empire Strikes Back where Luke goes into the cave and confronts Darth Vader.

God, I haven’t even mentioned this yet, but as a Star Wars Fan, I have to say I never realized how much of Star Wars lore is just thinly-veiled theft from various cultures around SEA. There is nothing creative about it at all. Mostly, it’s just blatant cultural appropriation, especially in the Prequels. But hey, complain more about an Asian-American woman playing a main character in a series based off some weird Asian cultural mishmash. That makes sense.

Oh, and make sure you post screenshots of those drunk tweets I wrote about white guys fetishizing Asian women. No, seriously. Make one of those fake accounts you love so much and post them here so I can look at them again. Let’s dialogue. I’ll re-post them here myself so everyone in the room can see them, and we can all weigh in on whether or not I’m racist towards Vietnamese people specifically.

Please be sure to cite whatever academic sources you’re using to twist my words into something they’re not. Oh wait, let me guess, you have no idea how to consult an actual academic source without google. Oh, well, you know, that’s okay. We don’t have all Liberal Arts degrees. We didn’t all get access to ProjectMUSE and EBSCOhost and LexisNexis. You know what all that stuff is, right? Okay, let’s see your 10-page essay proving I’m racist with your full legal name and picture at the top.

Well, go on. You have “everything” on me, right? So let’s see it. Let’s see what you got, you little townie troll. You want to follow me around anonymously on the internet for years at a time like the creepy stalker you are, let’s see it. I’ve got approximately 100 more hours of free time at this airport. I want to see the little project you’ve spent all these years putting together in order to “ruin my life.”

Oh, wait, what’s that? You’re too much of a coward to come out from behind the screen? Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought. This is why I “never listen” to people like you. What the fuck are you even screaming nonsensically to yourself over there?

Ugh, hopefully they’ll just get the message and go away. I’ve been blasting them for about a week now and there is no response. Just silence. I guess they think they won something by upsetting me? Okay, I guess we’ll just wait one whole year until they pop out again with their leftover screenshots from a long-dead social media site that everyone I respect left a long time ago.

Fucking psychotic. What possesses these people to sit in their basements and obsess over what other people are doing? It’s so bizarre!

Like, “hey, I saw you moved to SEA, better bring up that one time you got wasted and ranted about white guys preferring Asian chicks! I’m sure now that you have personally experienced this preference live in real time, you will have an even more informed opinion about it than you did before.”

Yeah, and when I was growing up in NOVA, I also used to use the word “chente” to describe creepy men who catcall teenage girls from their pickup trucks. Why was I using that word? Because all of the Latinx girls I went to school with (and there were many) used to call them that. We all used to call them that. Does that make me racist against Latinx people now too?

Jesus Christ.

Yes, I’m so racist I’m using the term Latinx, which many Hispanic people actually find contentious. So clearly I can’t win. Whatever. Don’t even start that shit with me when people like you are the reason we are cursed with Kristi Noem and her Goon Squad.

I seriously need to just let all of this go. I can’t worry about this fucking idiot. I can’t worry about any of those idiots anymore. I left that place forever. I sold my car, I changed my address on everything, I packed up my shit and stuffed it into my brother’s closet, I got on a plane, and I left. I straight-up left and I’m never going back to that stupid shithole South Dakota ever again.

This is why I need to go to the yoga shala. Let all this shit go. Let all this anger go. I am so angry. I hate that place. I hate those people. It pisses me off that they are still following me around, intentionally trying to upset me, intentionally causing harm. Why? Just why? Sick people. Just fucking sick. Again, this is why people think you’re a bunch of puppy killers. You just don’t know how to let sleeping dogs lie.

They’re just mad they can’t send Kristi after me personally. Sorry, but most of my family has been here since the Mayflower. It’s all documented, of course. One side was even here way before that, so you couldn’t win that battle if you tried. Besides, I left. I literally got up and left the States in search of a better life, and I’m not finding it. Yet you’re still here, still trying to be a jerk, and it’s just like… why? Go back to your stupid little podunk town and sit at the bar and talk shit about everyone you know. Be as mean and nasty and negative as you want. Just leave me alone.

I still have so much rage left inside of me. It’s so frustrating. All of it is shaped like the state of South Dakota. I’m just so angry that I had to live there for so long and that it sucked that hard and no one in my family cared that I was suffering. Not one single fucking person. Everyone I’ve ever known my entire life has just wanted me to suffer and be miserable and unhappy and I’m so fucking sick of it. Just fuck off for five minutes. You don’t get to tell me who I am or how I feel or what I do. You don’t control my life story. Stop trying!

Trash people. Trash place. I hated it so much there. I hate that I have to see Kristi Noem’s stupid fucking face in the news every day. I hate that this evil bitch is hurting people I care about and love and that she comes from this fucking shithole of a state full of people who are just as terrible as she is but insist on lecturing every rando about how “nice and friendly” they are. Gross.

I hate it there. I just fucking hate it there. I just want to forget that it exists and that I ever lived there. I don’t want to think about it ever again. Everything I went through there was so fucked up and stupid. All of those people are stupid and judgmental. And quite possibly illiterate to some degree. I’m just over it.

Now I’ve left and THEY STILL WON’T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

Why?

Anyway, I am getting on this plane tonight. I am going to Bali. I am doing this YTTC. I am going to do Yin Yoga and face down my rage and wrestle it like a fucking tiger. And this time, the tiger will not win. I will win. I will find my inner peace and let my light shine and finally find my rightful place in this ridiculous, fucked up world.

I need to finish this drink and go check in for my flight now. Let’s just get to the gate. Just get to the fucking gate and get on the plane and then we’ll get there and get through immigration and then do the yoga course and maybe finally be free of this rage forever.

Leaving South Dakota has been like leaving the most abusive relationship I’ve ever been behind. Second only to my family, who are just fucked up people in general, but not in that special SD way because we’re not from there and have nothing to do with that place other than the university we will unfortunately be affiliated with forever.

I’ve literally been gone three months and these people are still harassing me. Why? Let it go. Whatever you’re so pissed about, let it go. Go talk to a therapist. Figure out what your problem is. Confront it. Then come confront me with your real name and face and answer for your shitty, fucked up, disgusting, creepy, stalkery behavior. Apologize. Admit you were wrong. Stop trying to take things out of context to spin your weird little narrative. Stop following me around. Stop making fake accounts to leave nasty comments on my blog. Get some fucking help already.

God dammit, I’m so angry right now. The rage is just flowing through me. Full-force. And now I have to get on a fucking airplane and it’s like… do you even know how anxious flying in an airplane makes me? No, you don’t, because you weren’t there on 9/11. You didn’t see the ruins of the Pentagon in person. You didn’t have to worry if your father was going to come home from work that day. You didn’t watch the world change before your very eyes. No, you just go on YouTube and watch your stupid conspiracy theory videos and let some random person working for a Russian bot farm in Myanmar brainwash you with lies.

Can you even find Myanmar on a map, you fucking goon? Can you find Vietnam? Can you identify any of these countries on a blank map without a word bank? Probably not.

But I can…

So now I get to be angry and anxious and be at the airport between countries and visas and corrupt entities trying to shake you down for every dollar you have. You don’t even know right now. You’re just sitting in your basement talking shit and laughing about causing mayhem on the other side of the world. Disgusting.

Look, I really don’t know what else to say at this point. I’ve told you I hate you in just about every way I can think of. I tried to be positive and like South Dakota, but people like you literally made it impossible every step of the way, so I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I really don’t. Like great, you hate me. I hate you too. I’m glad you hate me because I don’t want to be liked by someone I have zero fucking respect for.

Ugh.

Now if you will all please excuse me, I need to go deal with actual real life situations that pop up on the other side of the world that this idiot will never understand because they’re too scared to leave their basement. Trash people, trash place.

Have a nice day, everyone who isn’t this dumb fucking idiot troll from South Bumfuck Nowhere Dakota.