Tuesday morning. Sitting in the garden with my coffee. Wondering what the eff I’m doing with my stupid, meaningless life. At least I’m at peace while I sit under this tree, waiting for enlightenment to strike. Any moment now.

Feeling a lot of mixed emotions today. Definitely need to do yoga after I finish this post. I’m so scattered and lost. Now Andrew is here, again, and I’m just at peace with it because why bother fighting it? At least now I am not in that dumb town where people harass me every time I have a creative thought. And I don’t have to see the real person, which was awkward and painful. I really struggled not to run away every time I saw him. Most of the time I did. It’s a very strange thing. He is so very present on the page and then I see him IRL and I run away screaming into the night because I’m afraid of him.

So now I’m here in Thailand and it’s like ten years later and here he is again. Okay. I accept this outcome. It is what it is. I’d rather work with the devil I know than latch onto any of these randoms that keep popping up on my travels. Nothing good can come from any of that.

Right now I am just sitting here in this beautiful garden somewhere in Bangkok, imagining what the city was like back in the old world. I watch the street beside me dissolve into a canal and the motorbikes and turns turn into boats and skiffs. The delivery drivers speed back and forth on their skiffs, delivering groceries and goods all along the canal. The helmets become the signature ngob hats. I walk down the path through the tropical gardens and cross the foot bridge to the floating cafe for a coffee. I sip my coffee as I appreciate the fact that the ghosts of Old Thailand are still very much alive in the modern day.

I’m glad Andrew is here. He’s much more organized than I am. He can help me make a plan to get back on track, which I need to do ASAP. He knows how to talk me up. He’s got that big personal trainer energy, lol.

I’m just struggling with low self-esteem. I need to take Kim Kardashian’s advice and just do a photoshoot. Just do so many photoshoots until all the bad pictures go away. Okay, sounds like a plan. One of the expats gave me a good photog’s name for one of these Temple Dress Up photoshoots. Two of my expat friends did the photoshoot and both of them looked amazing. I should do that. I never do anything fun like that. Maybe it will make me feel better…

All this just to say that I’m struggling right now. I really just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I don’t have a purpose in this world and that I can’t do anything right. I feel like there’s nowhere I can go where I’ll ever be accepted. I feel like there is no job in this world that I’m capable of doing. I feel like I’m totally incapable of being around people. I just wish I had some support. But I don’t, which is why I made Andrew. I needed support, and I wasn’t getting it from my family or from school or from work or from anyone, so I invented a character based on a real person who could provide me with that support. And now, here he is, providing support at a time in my life when I needed it the most.

Haters gonna hate, I guess. That’s the thing, right? All they do is hate. Like my mom. All she ever does is scream at me and sabotage me. She is the least supportive in the world. She actively works against me to make sure I do not achieve any of my goals or find any kind of happiness in this life. That’s why I hate her and say she’s evil and don’t want anything to do with her. The end.

My whole family is like that. What did they say when I said I was moving to Hong Kong? Did they say they were proud of me? No. Did they say they love me? No. Did they say they wish me the best and they know I’ll succeed at anything I do? No. They told me they feel sorry for me, tried to mess with me emotionally, tried to sabotage me with financial abuse, and became very angry when they realized they had lost control over me. They’re fucking psychotic, crazy, mentally ill people with no self-awareness, empathy, or accountability who I do not need in my life. The End.

I will not go back to that situation. I will have nothing to do with any of them whatsoever. I will find a way to be financially independent without being exploited and abused even further. I will find a solution to this problem. I will find a way out of the situation I’m in.

I get so angry every time I think about them. They were so horrible to me. I can’t believe it took me until age 36 to fully escape their control. I hate them so much. Just pure hatred. I will live a very happy life if I never have to see any of them ever again. Just… horrible.

It’s okay. I don’t feel so bad about Hong Kong when I frame as moving from one high-control situation to another. That’s all it is. That’s why Thailand is working better for me right now. It’s chill AF. I have a bit more freedom to be myself here, even if I don’t really know who that person is yet.

I did spend all of last year watching cult documentaries, so I recognize this situation as being part of my deprogramming from a high-control situation. It’s pretty normal to move from one high-control environment to another. It’s also common to make really dumb choices because you’re overwhelmed by all the choices after not being allowed to choose.

This is also why I need Andrew here to tell me what to do. Because I still feel like I need to be told what to do because if there’s no there, I’m not gonna do it. It’s so weird. I wouldn’t describe it as controlling though. Like I said, it’s more like… a gentle coaching energy. Like I hired this guy to be my personal trainer for a reason. He’s holding me accountable to the goals I set for myself. He’s helping me be the best version of me. Why? Because that’s what I want for myself. I’m here because I’m motivated to fix myself, not because I think he can fix me. He can just point me in the right direction I need to go while making sure I do enough sit-ups or whatever. There’s no cult involved. At least, not anymore now that Bloody Mary’s is out of the picture, lol.

That’s what happened last time. I thought I was signing up for the New Year’s Special on his personal training services, and instead I got sucked in to this crazy cult in South Dakota. Insanity. But now it’s all gone. No more bars, no more 1880 Town, no more of that townie soap opera shit. It’s just you and me now, Andrew. You and me and this accountability chart complete with a set of gold star stickers. Let’s do this.

Andrew says he can’t tell me what to do and he knows that. He says he just puts the stickers on the chart for me when I do what I say I’m going to do. Finally, someone who gets it.

Okay, I have until August 30th to figure out a plan. That’s when my Thailand tourism visa expires. 25 days. Let’s go!