Saturday afternoon. I’ve spent the better part of the day staring at a blank screen, waiting for inspiration to come. Nothing has come. Really does a number on the self-esteem to feel like this all the time.

Definitely distracted by lots of other thoughts. Still thinking about that guy, who I really just need to forget ASAP because I’m never gonna see him again and I really don’t want to fixate on him. I really need to find someone who’s going to stick around longer than a couple of nights. Alas. Most of them just disappear and that’s that. I stopped taking it personally a long time ago. This situation being what it is, I am definitely personally. It’s less of a fixation and more like… an intrusive thought.

Yeah, that’s it. It’s just an intrusive thought. It’s because my last relationship was questionable and the guy before that was also ridiculous and so were the rest of them, to be completely honest. And now I got laid and had fun so I’m super distracted by it. Normal. Natural. Just be cool and sit here at this desk and focus on your work and don’t worry about him because he is long gone now. Adios, muchacho. Gone with the wind. That’s the thing about these Rare Pokemon. You can’t just capture them and keep them in a little ball in your pocket. You gotta let them roam free. Roam free, my friend. Roam free. Just know I’ll be over here thinking about that weekend for… awhile.

What am I distracting myself from? This right here. This website. I got my laptop up and running and opened it to the front page. I hate everything about it right now. I just need a full-on makeover. Totally different vibe. Less emphasis on past project, more emphasis on something new and fresh and exciting and current. Something that isn’t my brain’s version of AI-generated slop.

I have no idea what I’m doing right now. Somehow I failed my way into this super cool apartment in Thailand, so at least there’s that. Well done, me.

I still haven’t reported my lost Rabbit card. I feel too stupid to admit it happened so soon after I so confidently loaded it up. No. Fail. I decided to wait a little bit longer to make it seem like enough time had passed that it was an accident, not that I somehow managed to miss packing it because I thought I had already put it in away safely in my wallet. It was not in my wallet. It was not anywhere. I have no idea where it went. So annoying.

Well, now I’m just confined to the apartment today. It’s fine. I’m vibing. I’m getting in tune with the place. It feels like it will be a good place for me to work and be productive. It’s very bright. Lots of light. Nice and cool. Beautifully decorated. Vibes. It’s just different. I need to get used to the neighborhood, which I will over the course of the week.

Okay, now it’s just me and this blank slate. How do I redesign it to make it fit my vision when I barely feel like I have a vision at all?

This is why the intrusive thoughts are so prevalent. I’m just so annoyed. It’s so hard to find anyone in general, and you meet someone who is actually a fun date and decent in bed, and then they’re just gone again, just like that. Like it never even happened. Like it meant absolutely nothing. Now I have to do it all over again until one of them finally just stays. When does it end? When do I get to just finally put a stop to this Island of Lost Guys madness and settle down with someone who isn’t a total fucking jerk? Ugh. Never. It’s never gonna happen. It’s just always going to be like this. It is completely out of my control. It is just the nature of the dating culture right now. Everyone and everything is disposable and forgettable. Everything is meaningless. No one cares about anyone or anything anymore. It feels so pointless.

Nothing is coming to me for now. Just caught in a memory loop. Ugh. I need to go stuff my face with Pad Thai to help me forget about it. Maybe I should have gone to the yoga school. At least I wouldn’t be staring down a blank page. I would be busy meditating and chanting and being celibate instead of banging random guys I pick up in bars and then fixating on them when I should just forget about them completely instead.

So many dumb decisions. It’s incredible. How am I even here right now? No one knows.

I don’t want to go out in public right now. It just reminds me I’m alone and then I drink too much. They don’t deliver alcohol here so I can just be lazy and order Pad Thai from around the corner and they will bring it to me and no one has to see how sad I am. And then I won’t drink because I’m too lazy to get up and leave after eating food.

Okay, Girls Night In it is.

Welcome to my exciting life!