Sunday morning. Here I am at the coffee stand. Same old, same old.

I definitely did not go out last night. I was supposed to, but my body completely revolted against me and said, “Hell no. You are staying home and drinking lots of magical rejuvenation juice tonight. You are not 25 anymore. You need to stop, take a break, drink some water, and eat a piece of fruit. Relax.”

Yeah, not feeling like the healthiest person lately. I could definitely be eating more fruit. I went back to my delivery/takeout addiction pretty fast. Definitely one thing to work on in the future.

No exciting stories to tell today. Only that I was looking at yoga teaching gigs in Cambodia and decided to stop because South Korea issued a travel warning over human trafficking schemes rampant in the country. Probably not the best idea as it turns out.

Okay, so that’s off the table. What now? I can’t just keep going to the same bar and destroying my body so I can write these dumb stories no one cares about. I need something more substantial. I need something real.

I have no solution to my problem right now. All I have is a coffee and a cigarette and a terrible knot in my shoulder that won’t come out no matter what I do.

Anyway, I know I am only doing this bar thing because I am just reliving my Bloody Mary’s trauma. I’m trying to prove to myself that writing short stories about the people I meet at a random bar isn’t “unhinged.” The only difference is that now I’m doing the same thing in Bangkok.

Like, okay, so there people are different and interesting. So what? I need more. How do I figure out how to get more?

Right now I mostly just feel dumb and lost and alone. Like… what the hell am I doing right now? I have no idea.

Okay, well, we are almost a full five months into this thing. It’s difficult right now, but it’s always difficult. It’s less difficult now than it was before. At least my crazy family isn’t here trying to control everything I do anymore. Exhausting.

Well, the most immediate action I can take right now to improve my life is to kill my Grab addiction and go on a cash-only, Thai market-only diet. Healthiest thing I can do for both my body and my bank account. That and more yoga…

I am definitely stuck right now. It’s like I have all the ingredients, I can visualize the outcome, I have the whole plan laid out on paper, and I’m still just… stuck where I am. I can’t seem to climb up to the next stair. It’s so frustrating. I just… I don’t know how to do what I need to do. I’m just overwhelmed by everything all the time.

Definitely stuck right now. Just stuck. No other way to describe it. Just… stuck.