I am sitting in a random cafe in Bali when Andrew regenerates himself in the empty seat across from me.
Me: You again. I thought I smoked you Mongolian Barbecue-style.
Andrew: I thought we were just playing A Thousand Ways to Die. Again.
Me: I don’t understand you. What are you? Why are you here? Why don’t you just go away and leave me alone? I left you alone.
Andrew: [smirks] It’s not that easy.
Me: I know. Sadly, I know. I am totally and completely disillusioned by all this weird New Age culty shit because of it.
Andrew: That’s fair. You’re not wrong, you know. A lot of it really is a grift. Ask me how I know.
Me: I don’t need to. I think I already know. What I don’t know is why you’re here right now.
Andrew: You need me. You know you need me. That’s why you keep manifesting me back. Why can’t you just accept it for what it is?
Me: [grumbles unintelligibly]
Andrew: That’s what I thought.
Me: And what is it you think I need now?
Andrew: Someone to talk to who isn’t going to judge you or condescend you or talk down to you or give you stupid advice you don’t want or need.
Me: [sighs and shrugs] I suppose you’re right. I’ll entertain for you now. Go on. Let’s hear your pitch.
Andrew: It’s not really a pitch so much as a list of questions.
Me: Alright then. Fire away.
Andrew: Have you decided on your travel plans yet?
Me: No.
Andrew: Have you booked a flight?
Me: No.
Andrew: Have you booked a hotel?
Me: No.
Andrew: Have you packed?
Me: No.
Andrew: Have you made any progress on your job applications or manuscripts at all this week?
Me: No.
Andrew: And what happened to your Peace Corps application?
Me: [gestures vaguely at everything]
Andrew: Okay, fair enough. Now, let’s look at the facts. You have your visas in order, which is good. You’re definitely way more on top of that than I expected you to be. You have a place to stay if you want to come back here after your visa run. You can stay in one place like you want and get your shit done. Why do you keep losing your motivation?
Me: I don’t know. You know me. I’m on top of it until I’m not. Then I get overwhelmed and melt down and I freeze up and I can’t get anything done.
Andrew: Well, you’re obviously not a complete disaster. You’ve made it this far, after all. How many countries have you been to since June?
Me: Five.
Andrew: Okay, then, let’s get you to number six. You can make a choice from there.
Me: Okay.
Andrew: Malaysia is close by. Why don’t you go to Kuala Lumpur like you originally said you would?
Me: It’s raining there.
Andrew: It’s raining everywhere. It’s monsoon. At least your flight is only three hours. You can do three hours. And it’s cheap. See? Look.
Me: [sighs heavily again]
Andrew: You don’t have to stay very long. You can make a choice when you get there. Baby steps. Come on. Just take it one thing at a time. Right now you need to leave the country you’re in because your current visa is about to expire. You can come back if you want to because you have your C1 visa. Or you can go somewhere else. Like Cambodia.
Me: I’m pretty sure Cambodia is basically the Mos Eisley of SEA.
Andrew: I mean, yeah, probably. What about Vietnam?
Me: Stop. You’re overwhelming me again. Just stop.
Andrew: Okay, okay. I’ll stop. Just go to Kuala Lumpur then. It’s cheap. It’s easy. You can get a nice place with laundry. That’s what you want, right?
Me: Right.
Andrew: What do you know about Malaysia?
Me: Nothing except that it used to be a British colony and that it’s majority Muslim.
Andrew: Well, great! Then you won’t have to worry about accidentally eating pork.
Me: True.
Andrew: Let’s research together. Look, it’s a very big, very modern city. Just like you like. Lots of Chinese and Indian people. You like that. Can you even imagine the food? Omg!
Me: [bobbles head Indian-style in agreement]
Andrew: You need to lean into this more. You’re on an adventure.
Me: I’m homeless and unemployed and hemorrhaging money. This was not my plan. My plan was to work and live in Hong Kong for a year. I hardly consider it an adventure at this point. I just feel defeated and hopeless. I can’t keep living like this!!!!
Andrew: I know, I know. I know. It’s okay. Maybe you just need a change of scenery and you’ll feel motivated again.
Me: [bangs head onto table]
Andrew: I know this isn’t what you wanted, but this is what is happening now. Lean into the chaos, as you say.
Me: Ughhhhhhh.
Andrew: Come on, now. Drink your dragonfruit juice and let’s you get you home so you can relax. Take a shower. Drink some water. Watch the News. Book your tickets and your hotel room. Okay?
Me: Okay.
Andrew: Okay.
Me: Thank you. Sorry I told you to eat a dick earlier.
Andrew: [laughs] It’s okay. You’ve said so much worse.
Me: I know. I’m mean. I’m sorry.
Andrew: You just aren’t used to being loved. It’s easy for you to scare people away, but you can’t scare me. I know what you are, my little dragonfruit.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I like that one.
Andrew: I knew you would. Are you ready to get on the motorbike now?
Me: No. Never.
Andrew: Well, you have to. It’s not safe to walk through the Monkey Forest alone at night. The monkeys will steal your bag and hold it ransom in exchange for food. They do it to people all the time.
Me: Okay, okay, I’m going, I’m going. Thank you.
Andrew: Anytime.