Sunday morning. Alone in the villa. This is the first time I’ve actually been alone in three weeks. Everyone else has departed. They’ve all set off on whatever adventure finds them next. Meanwhile, it’s back to business as usual for me. Waiting for my coffee and croissant to be delivered, writing, doing yoga, trying to make a decision before 11am about where to go next.

The Grab driver last night insisted I stay in Ubud instead of going to Canggu. I think he is right. I have barely gotten a chance to explore the city at all. I’ve been out in the rainforest at yoga school. I wasn’t getting out of there a whole lot.

I also know I like the villa vibes. It feels more feasible now that I’ve overcome my fear of the motorbike situation. I just don’t want to be way out in the sticks with no way in or out except the bike. Like right now. It’s beautiful, it’s peaceful, it’s calm, but the isolation factor is giving South Dakota. I don’t need more isolation in my life. Plus, I just got comfortable riding the bike yesterday, and now you’re telling me I need to learn how to drive one? Fuck that shit.H

ell nawww to the awww nawww nawww.

Maybe someday, but not now.

Speaking of South Dakota, I had the most terrible nightmare that I was back there again, trapped at Cleo’s with some of the people I liked the least. Terrible. Oh, and my dad was there too. This is the second time I’ve seen him in a dream this week. I guess he thinks it’s okay for him to appear to me this way now. Whatever.

I don’t even know what was going on in that dream. I just know I woke up and thought to myself, “What the fuck?! Why would you do this to me? Why would you destroy all the promise and hope for a better future by keeping me trapped there in an unhealthy situation, surrounded by abusive, fucked up people who did nothing but drag me down every chance they had?”

Ugh.

I really struggle to understand the thought process there. I don’t think there was one beyond “MUST CONTROL EVERYTHING AT ALL TIMES AT THE EXPENSE OF LITERALLY EVERYONE.”

I’ve moved past the anger. Now I’m just confused. What the fuck were my parents thinking? Ugh. I just can’t understand why they would do that to me. What I really don’t understand is why they kept trying to control me fire I graduated from university. Like they would just meltdown at the idea of me leaving home for any reason. No, you can’t travel. No, you can’t move to a big city. No, you can’t do this. No, you can’t do that.

All I ever heard from them was, “No, you can’t. No, you can’t. No, you can’t. No, you can’t.” Like my dad would say all this inspiring shit to build me up, then they would actively block me from taking any action towards achieving those goals or being around the people I needed to be around or going to the places I needed to go. Then they would vilify me for having a “mental illness” that they were actively contributing to by keeping me locked up Yellow Wallpaper style.

My mother was much worse about this. This is why I say she is evil and cut off all contact with her forever. I don’t want that crazy bitch in my life. She is beyond redemption in my mind. There is nothing she could ever do to repair the damage she has done. Like, just leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone. I don’t ever want to see or speak to her ever again. She could be dying and I still wouldn’t pick up the phone. Rot in hell, bitch. You deserve it.

What the fuck?

I just keep looking back on it like, “What the fuck?”

The older I get and the more I do yoga and the more therapies/ceremonies/treatments I do, the more like I’m like, “Am I actually mentally ill, or was I driven to a breaking point by my overly controlling family and these ridiculously abusive ex-boyfriends and the Troubled Teen Industry crap and whole environment of South Dakota in general?”

I really think that’s what’s going on here. The programming is real. It’s crazy. It feels like I’m deprogramming from a cult I didn’t even know I was in. What is even happening right now?

I think the most fucked up part of everything I went through in my old life was the absolute vilification of my entire identity. Literally whatever I say or do or wear or write, people just make me out to be this Disney cartoon villain. And it’s like… that’s not me. That’s not who I am. I am one with the rainforest, okay? The level of projection these people are putting onto me is like IMAX levels of intense. Just absurd.

Okay, well, I’ve escaped the cult now, whatever it may be. None of these people are controlling my body or my mind or my choices or my movements or my finances anymore. No one is policing my words or my outfits or my writing. I’m just here alone in SEA. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can be whoever the fuck I want. and who I want to be is just… me.

So now I just have to figure out what that looks like moving forward.

Well, I’ll figure it out in the next place. My priority right now is finding that next place before 11am.

But first, coffee. I finally get to have an iced vanilla latte. I don’t even remember the last time I had one of these. I was drinking iced mochas in Thailand. I swear to you, this coffee is even more amazing than the random stand in Bangkok. Indonesian coffee is the best coffee in the whole world. I am officially obsessed.

Okay, time to go find my next spot. Just call me the Homeless Bag Lady Extraordinaire because that’s exactly what I feel like right now, lol. Hey, at least I’m homeless in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. It could be worse! I could still be trapped in South Dakota, aka one of the worst places on Earth.

Ugh.