Friday night. Graduated from yoga school again today. It should feel like a bigger moment, but… it doesn’t. It feels like I took a bunch of pretty pictures for Instagram and now it’s over and that’s it. It’s done. It’s over. Time to pack up all my shit and move on again. Where to, I don’t know.

Currently sitting at some random bar alone after making a total ass out of myself at dinner because I have absolutely no idea how to be around other people without being on defense mode all the time. I really struggle with this kind of stuff. I wish I could just make people understand that I’ve spent most of my life sitting around tables being attacked by everyone at said table for every little thing I do or say. I don’t know what a safe space is. Like, at all. So I just sit and do my best to be nice and polite and accommodating to everyone and then I get attacked anyway. So yeah. Whatever.

Anyway, I’m up on the balcony overlooking the street, having a drink, writing, totally in my natural vibe. I just really struggle with expressing myself properly all the time.

Seriously, though, I just don’t understand why four different people currently located in the same location who intend to go to the exact same place at the exact same time need to take four scooters instead of just taking one cab. That literally makes no sense to me logically. Like, at all. I just don’t get it. I don’t think I’ll ever get it. That’s just me.

It is what it is.

So I got on the fucking scooter again. It’s still not my favourite thing in the world. I don’t love it. They even gave me a helmet this time and I still don’t like it. But I did it. I guess I just have to “get over it.” I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I can’t escape the feeling that it’s just not for me.

Maybe I just have no idea how to have fun and be free. I’m not like these people. I don’t know how to just let go and have fun. I don’t know how to only think about myself. I don’t get to go out into the world and just chill and vibe without everyone else at the table jumping all over me and attacking me and screaming at me and making me feel worthless just because I dare to be different and just… exist.

So I agreed to rent a villa with three other people from the shala specifically for the challenge. It’s already a disaster. Right off the bat, I was setting up the snacks, draining my phone battery to play the music, running around praying to the household gods, making sure everything is nice and taken care of. Meanwhile, they’re just out by the pool having fun and relaxing. Somehow.

Then they picked coconuts off the tree and were smashing them open to drink the juice. Well, I can’t just smash the coconut for fun, right? It has to be a whole meditative experience. I have to channel all of my anger and rage into the coconut before I smash it. Then it takes me three tries before I can finally muster the strength to really smash it into the ground. Then it’s smashed and there’s no juice left, only the meat to harvest. So then I have to go try to cut the meat out of the coconut because I can’t just waste it. Then I’m standing there in the kitchen trying to carve up this coconut and then I turn around it’s suddenly time to go and I have to rush and then I walk outside and everyone is gone because they all took the scooters without telling me the plan or even attempting to coordinate a cab and it’s like WTF.

Why am I the only person here who ever thinks about someone besides myself? Furthermore, why am I being demonized for it? I just don’t understand human behavior. I really don’t.

Anyway, the balcony I’m currently on is located directly across from a tattoo shop. I would like to get a tattoo. But I am not sure it’s something I can just go do by myself. And then they make fun of me for that because I can’t just go get my first tattoo all by myself. They don’t get it because they all have them already and it’s no big deal to them.

Blah blah blah, just get over it, stop playing the victim, be more resilient, you have to stand alone, wah wah wah. Ugh. Disgusting. Shut the fuck up with that shit already. Why don’t any of you know how to just be there in the moment and meet someone where they are and just support your friend in that moment? Just me, me, me all the time. I can’t stand it!

I just don’t understand other people. I really don’t.

So now I’m here on this balcony alone and I’m trying to calm down and decompress but this whole afternoon has been insane and now I feel more like an alien than I did before. I will never belong anywhere. I keep trying but I just don’t. I am a freak of nature wherever I go.

Anyway, good news, this bar is playing all my favourite rap music. So yeah, I’m an alien and I can’t relate to anyone on this planet, but hey, at least I can enjoy the NOLA vibes. Hashtag balcony life! Hashtag Bourbon Street Parade. Hashtag vibes.

I’m trying to work up the courage to go into that tattoo parlor alone, but deep in my heart I know that’s not happening. I know exactly what I want and where I want it. I’m just not ready to have that life experience yet.mLike, I’m still working through the motorcycle rides, okay? I’m not at the tattoo/piercing level yet. Thinking going to get my nails done tonight is probably more my speed. That’s just where I am right now.

Yeah, like, I definitely need a babysitter for the tattoo experience. That’s not something I can do alone. It’s just not. Where is my Rare Pokémon when I need him? He said he would be there to hold my hand. Lol, they all say that shit. Then they disappear three days later, never to be seen or heard from ever again. That’s why I treat them all like the entertainment they are. Come and go as you please.

To be fair, he did feature prominently in my dream last night. I was very surprised to see him there. We were just sitting together vibing. And then, suddenly, *puts on baseball announcer voice*/wayyyyyy outta left field, this random character “Jaimie” appeared to address all of his grievances with me. Like, okay, wow, talk about a random surprise guest appearance I definitely did not see coming, but go off, fam. We are here for the revolving door of men.

I was sitting here all day like, “Why was that guy in my dream? Nothing ever happened between us.” I just remembered right now that I did walk to his house one time when I was wasted and we did hook up, but not really. I think we just made out and then he put on the West Wing and fell asleep. Then I got bored and walked home, lol. And then we never, ever spoke again. The end.

Not until my dream last night. Apparently he had a lot to say. Okay. Whatever.

Then I sat down and realized I have a type. A lot of these guys are starting to look the same to me. Same hair color/style, same facial hair, tattoos, dickhead behavior, the whole thing. And now I’m like… I’m just my dating my big, bad Vampire ex over and over and over again. Okay. I see it now. Yeah, yep, okay. That’s definitely a thing.

This is a cycle. This is a problem. Okay. I see it all so clearly now.

Lol, it’s actually kinda funny when you really think about it. My whole life is funny.

I don’t know where Andrew comes in on this one. Sorry. I still don’t know about that one. He’s definitely his own unique vibe separate from whatever else I’ve got going on over here. That’s for sure. I don’t know what that is, but I do know that he is 100% his own thing.

Well, I mean… yes, but no. I can’t explain that. Tide goes in, tide goes out. You can’t explain that! Lol! That’s all I can say about that one. Truly. I can’t explain him. I just can’t. We’ve had some weird interactions that I just can’t explain. I know there’s something going on there. Why else would he exist? I just can’t explain it. I just can’t.

Tide goes in, tide goes out. You can’t explain that.

Except for the fact that you can. I just live in denial of whatever reality that might be all the time. It is what it is.

Hashtag DELULU!

Hahahaha!

My life is absurd and ridiculous. All I can say right now is… thank god for balconies and hip hop music.

Definitely made the right call on the tattoo parlor tonight. Everyone in there is Indian. I am still bitter about my ex. That’s why I wore my wedding dress today for my yoga graduation ceremony instead of whatever random thing I bought in Thailand. It’s a vintage dress my now-deceased aunt sent me a long time ago. Funny story, I met Andrew in the bar and got that dress three days later in the mail. I never personally felt there was a connection, but still, to this day, it feels like weird timing. Especially since he turned out to be whatever the fuck he is.

Anyway, I brought it with me because I thought I was gonna marry the Indian guy. Lol, so funny. Hilarious, actually. That didn’t happen. It’s better that it didn’t happen. I truly believe it’s better that it worked out this way. It’s okay.

I just knew when I woke up for my ceremony today that I had to wear that dress. Today’s the day! Auntie was there saying, “Wake up and wear the dress! It’s time!”

So I guess I just had a lot of emotions tied up in that dress. I’ve had it hanging in my closet for a long time. I’ve gotten drunk and cried and eaten McDonald’s in that dress on more than one occasion. Definitely feels like the dress I wore to marry myself, and that’s fine. I married myself again today. But I also look at myself wearing it and thought… it’s old, it’s damaged, it needs a lot of repairs, it has so much tied up in it, it’s time to just let it go. Stop hanging it up in the closet and projecting whatever bullshit I feel in the moment onto it. Stop living for other people’s expectations of what my life should be. Just be me.

So all of this being said, I felt a newfound sense of freedom after I took off the dress. I put on my rainbow dress from Thailand right after. New me, new vibes, chakras full activated and aligned, be here right now.

New life, same me, I guess. I still have a lot of work to do. I just know I’m tired of the therapies and ceremonies and treatments and whatever the fuck else. I don’t want to be a unique, special individual. I want to be part of a collective and work for the greater good. I just want to sit around a table with my friends and family and just vibe. I like being the hostess, I like having a home, I like putting out the snacks and setting up the vibe and making people feel comfortable and safe. What’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be the one bag begpacker, eating shitty food and sharing rooms and wearing the same clothes over and over again, moving from hostel to hostel, searching for something I can never find as long as I continue treating everyone I meet like a rando I’ll never see or speak to again. I want to build those connections. I want to have a home. I want to invite people to the table. I want to be the one to give people that sense of safety and community and space. Not because it’s demanded or expected of me, but because I value the people I meet in my life. I value those connections.

What’s wrong with that?

I guess it’s hard for me to look at this experience through the lens of people who see this time as just another group of randoms whose lives they’ll watch forever online, never to see or speak to again. No. I want to be the one to host the reunion. I want to be the one to bring people together. I want to be the one who always has a room and a warm meal and a safe space to go.

Maybe I long for it because I’ve never had it. I’ve been wandering alone for so long. I want these connections. I value these connections. I’m trying so hard to make these connections and it’s like… nobody fucking cares but me.

That’s frustrating.

It really is.

This is why I have no sympathy for the “male loneliness epidemic.” this is an imaginary problem you’ve created in your own minds and your own lives. I can’t relate. I just can’t. I literally agreed to rent a villa with a group of people I’m not even sure I really like just because I wanted the challenge of being pushed out of my comfort zone with socializing instead of isolating myself all over again. It’s not going great! But at least I’m trying. No sympathy whatsoever.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I was the last to leave, so I’m the one who holds the key. They come home when I say they come home. It is what it is.

Oh, so this is how it feels to be Andrew? Key Club Extraordinaire. I’m vibing, I’m vibing. I get it now. I see the power I hold in the world. Hmm, no wonder I made him meltdown. Haha, lol, that was so funny in hindsight. Ya’ll should’ve been there in that moment he came driving at me up the street right before he jumped out and screamed at me and he had me arrested. He literally looked exactly like Cruella DeVille in 101 Dalmatians when she’s in full road rage mode at the end. I was trying to post an image but the internet is fucked here and apparently AI made WordPress even worse than it already was. So I can’t. Whatever. I’ll fix it later.

lol, I’m never going to forget that shit as long as I live. Seriously. That was the craziest fucking shit I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, wow, what was that? What kind of asshole has someone arrested for expressing their freedom of speech? This is America! That’s just not right.

Anyway, guess I better go now. I’m tired of writing and I need to just calm down and decompress and relax the only way I know how… sitting on a balcony and having a drink. It is what it is, fam.

The End.