Wednesday afternoon. Sitting in the dining hall all alone. It’s raining, raining, raining. Endlessly raining.

I am exhausted. Still recovering from the nightmare experience I had with the fire ants yesterday. What a doozy. I still don’t feel very good. Extra sore, itchy, anxious about creepy crawlies on my skin. I don’t recommend being swarmed by fire ants to anyone. 0/10.

The good news is that it gave me a distraction from some of the trauma dumping I’ve been doing in yoga. The other day I was faced with the fact that seeing certain people on social media from that stupid town is extremely fucking triggering for me. I see their names and all of the horrible, difficult memories of everything this group of people said and did to torture me for their own entertainment comes flooding back. How they attacked me, how they attacked my blog, how they publicly humiliated me for sport, how they pushed me out of jobs, how cruel they were when my dad died, how they defended the actions of abusive men. All of it.

Verm is horrible place filled with horrible, triggering, traumatic memories. I never want to go back there ever again. I never want to see any of those people ever again. I don’t want to be associated with them. It’s just… terrible. The flashbacks and the nightmares are really difficult to deal with.

Trying to be comfortable in my body when I have all this trauma stored up that could come up at any time is the most difficult part. The fact that I struggled so much with the Aerial portion of my course says it all. Sometimes the mind wins over the body. It’s not that I lacked the strength or flexibility or any of that. It’s that the new movements unlocked all these very unpleasant memories that caused me to meltdown on multiple occasions. I couldn’t come back from it. It’s hard when you fail at something and rise back up to take it on, only to crumble again and just give up.

Well, it’s not that I gave up, necessarily. The fire ants did contribute to my untimely defeat. It is what it is. It doesn’t mean I can’t try Aerial Yoga again in a different environment at a later date. I clearly just can’t do it as intensely as was called for during this course.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter so much. My own Vinyasa practice yesterday was FIRE! I did 75 minutes and finally got the Wheel Pose, which I’ve been trying to get to for a year. Major accomplishment! It’s not perfect yet, and it’s definitely not easy, but I got it. I also held my Crow Pose for a full minute, something I’ve been working on for awhile. I’m getting my little wins here and there. It’s not the end of the world that I’m not ready for Aerial yet. I’ll get there. Maybe not today, but someday.

I’ve had a lot of wins since I came to this course. The yoga poses are just one. Moving past my anger at my dad was probably the biggest achievement. I’ve learned how to politely but firmly set boundaries with people around my time and energy. I’ve learned that I am not a social person and that’s okay. I’ve learned how to navigate disagreements with others and still work together towards a common goal. I’ve learned to be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to like me and I don’t have to like everyone. I moved past the issue with Hong Kong and the ex. I’m moving towards my true life purpose and getting everything aligned. Most importantly, I’ve learned to be independent and survive on my own while traveling around the world.

All of these things are victories for me. I have taken away far more from this course than I did from the one in India. That’s only a 15-month difference in time and look at how far I’ve already come! I should be proud of myself. I am proud of myself. I don’t need the validation from others anymore. I can validate myself.

Not going to do much tonight. Gotta pick up my laundry in an hour. I want to go to a spa but I have to wait a few more days for my medication schedule to finish. It is what it is.

Some of the Krewe just left to go to Ubud. I casually joked, “Be safe. Have fun. Don’t join a cult.” And three of them laughed and said, “Oh, I think it’s too late for [redacted].” So apparently I am not the only person who thinks that vegan cafe is giving weird cult vibes. I guess everyone who went to that “cacao ceremony” she invited all us to was sufficiently freaked out by it.

There you have it. My intuition about people and places is pretty spot-on. Yet another win I can take away from this experience. Feels good.

I haven’t heard from the British Guy since he called me a Nazi last night. Wow, what was that? That was the most insane thing I’ve ever experienced. Not really, but yeah. I just went back and read all the texts and he sounds so unhinged. I can’t even. Probably shouldn’t keep in touch with him anymore. I can laugh at a him going off on a crazy rant like that one time, but I can’t sustain a relationship with someone whose world view is in extreme opposition to mine. I don’t agree with anything he said. At all. His views are totally fucked. He just seems to get worse every time I engage with him. I don’t like him at all. I just like his British accent. And now I don’t even get to hear that because we are texting. So, not worth it.

I wish I could talk to my Rare Pokemon, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea to reach out to him. I’m fixating on him and I don’t even really know him very well. I’m sure he picks up girls like me all the time. And you know, he has his whole life at home. I didn’t get the vibe that he wanted to stay in touch. That’s probably why I’m fixating. He made me feel special and then promptly disappeared. Shitty. It’s not like it even was that special. Like, he took me out to lunch and dinner and gave me orgasms. That’s not special. That’s the bare minimum.

At least I’ve learned this lesson now? Especially going from him to this crazy British Guy, who has not met the bare minimum. He’s just an asshole. So, yeah, lessons learned from my Bangkok Boyfriends. Time to move on and find someone who is better than both of them combined.

Off I got to pick up my laundry before it starts raining again. Have a good day!