Saturday evening.

On a self-study break from class. We are supposed to be working on prepping our Chakra Flow final exam, but all three of us in my class are totally wiped out. The other two ladies have gone to nap. I’m sitting by the pool wrapped in my weighted blanket in full Cozy Blanket Ghost mode.

I am safe.

Definitely on my way to an early bedtime tonight. Let’s hope I don’t have any more nightmares tonight.

Not sure how to deal with the memory from the last post, but I was able to move past my anger towards my dad over it. That guy doesn’t get to hurt me, destroy my reputation, and destroy my relationship with my dad. He doesn’t get to win. Not today. Not ever.

I spent the afternoon class in savasana in the aerial swing. I tried a few advanced poses like crow and headstand, but what I really needed was to wrap myself up in the hammock and just swing back and forth. It’s like being in the womb. I felt like a baby, rocking back and forth gently, warm, calm, and safe. It was an amazing, relaxing, powerful, transformative experience. Highly recommend to anyone struggling with trauma.

Part of me wants to go get a massage, but the other part of me just wants to go to bed. I think I will regret it tomorrow if I don’t get a message tonight. But getting up and leaving is hard and annoying and I’m tired and I just don’t want to move anymore. I just want to sit here and decompress and stay in Cozy Blanket Ghost mode forever.

I’m glad I was able to move through my anger at my dad. He appeared to me during my meditation and apologized to me over and over and over. He handed me pen and told me to take my power back. He said, “Throw the book at them. Throw the book at them all.”

I imagined myself standing in the house where the guy lived. I was back in the moment. Before he could grab my arm and throw me into the wall, I grew a pair of wings and flew away. I crashed through the roof and hovered above the house. I suddenly realized I had the power to fight back. I blasted the house to bits and watched it burn to the ground. His dog came running out alive just before the house collapsed and ran over to me. It was wagging its tail and licking me. It said, “Thank you for saving me from him.”

I gave him a treat and flew away. I flew all over the town, looking at it from above. I saw myself standing on top of Old Main with the pen in my hand, waving it at the town. I saw myself standing dad standing below on the quad, looking up at me and waving at me. He said, “I’m so proud of you, Betsey. You’re not like them. You’re special. I always knew you were special. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you the schooling you needed, but you’re learning so much more from the school of life. I’m so proud of you. You’re going to do amazing things.” I flew down from the roof and hugged him and said, “I love you. I forgive you. Thank you.”

He handed me the book and said, “Throw the book at them.” I saw myself throwing it at Bloody Mary’s and watching it disintegrate into ashes. I thought of various people in that stupid town who have messed with em over the years and watched them disintegrate one by one as I threw it at them. Then I watched the entire town disintegrate before my very eyes and flew away here to Bali, where I am safe here in the beautiful rainforest, far, far away.

When I opened my eyes again, I looked out the window and saw a butterfly land on the window right in front of me. I just knew in that moment it was my dad. I don’t know how I know. I just know.

And now I’m crying again.

Powerful. So powerful. I really needed this today.

The only problem is that now I’m so exhausted I can’t think or see straight. Just absolutely worn down to the ground. Just exhausted and crying and physically and emotionally decimated. I just want to eat some pizza and get a massage and just pass the fuck out.

I am safe. I am free. I can fly!

I’m going to go fly to the dining hall now for dinner. We’ll see if anything actually manifests after…

Have a good day!