Sunday. Just woke up from yet another nightmare about Verm. God I hate that town. I wish I could just watch it burn to the ground. I visualize doing that all the time. People really underestimate how much I actually hate it there. They think I’m joking but I’m it’s actually extremely therapeutic for me to imagine it getting nuked. That’s how much I hated living there.

This time the nightmare was about Andrew. Wow, if only I could put into words how fucking over him I’ve been for like seven years. Why am I still dreaming bout this person? Why does nothing I do to get rid of him work? I literally only ever talked to him like three times. I don’t even like him IRL!

I’ve tried all the things. All the fucking things! Yoga, meditation, witchcraft, ceremonies, cord cutting, ecstatic dance under the full moon, saunas, massages, moving to the other side of the planet, agreeing to marry a stranger I literally just met, writing story after story just to dump it all out somewhere. Nothing has worked. It’s been almost ten years! What the fuck is going on with this fucking person?!

This time I thought, well maybe just lean into the heart chakra thing and the love will just flow out into the universe and maybe then it will finally leave me alone. Nope. Wrong. Instead I struggle to sleep and then when I do this is what I get to dream about. I’m so fucking over it. So over it.

I went to get a massage last night and it didn’t do shit. The knot is still there. The pain is still there. I don’t understand. Her technique was pretty good. Yet somehow I got no relief whatsoever and then I had another nightmare on top of it.

I’m so over it. Just pass me a joint so I can forget about this shit forever. I don’t even want to do yoga right now. I’m just going to get all emotional and cry like I did yesterday. I’m exhausted. I don’t have the energy to keep going through this. Just go away! GO AWAY!!!!!!

I feel like I’m going crazy. The last thing I want to do is go hang upside down right now. I just feel like garbage. I’m so angry and pissed off. Why do I still dream about this person?! I DON’T EVEN FUCKING LIKE HIM! We never had a relationship! I barely even know him! I don’t understand why this is happening to me!

Maybe I should go super old school and just get an exorcism. Maybe he’s a demonic entity who is possessing me and that’s why he won’t leave. I’m not Catholic so I’m not sure it will work, but if anyone knows how to expel demonic spirits from someone, it would probably be the institution of corruption that has been complicit in perpetuating child abuse for centuries.

Maybe.

I don’t even know anymore. I just feel like I’m going insane. I’m so angry right now. I’m beyond angry. I’m angry and I’m in pain and I’m just over it.

I just want to meet someone who will be a good partner. I know I’m a good person who is capable of loving someone deeply and caring for them. I deserve to have someone in my life who feels that way about me. Not some demonic entity haunting my nightmares because he perpetuated the cycle of abuse against me. This applies to all of them. Why are they all such trash? Why can’t men just not be trash?

I’m working so hard to be the best version of myself I can be so I can do something good for the world. Why am I being punished with these never-ending nightmares and visions and suffering from so much pain?

I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make him go away. Why doesn’t he just go away? I can’t do it anymore. It’s so painful for me. Please just go away. Please release me from whatever hold you’re keeping over me and just go away.

I want you to be happy. Please, just go be happy. You have everything. You should be happy. You don’t need me. Just go away and be happy and stop haunting me. Let me go. Let me meet someone who will treat me right. I just want to be with someone who treats me right. Just once in my life, let me be with someone who treats me right. I can’t find him unless you stop haunting me. Please stop haunting me. Please just let me go.

I’m late for class. I don’t even want to go anymore. I’m just going to have to ensure more pain while I desperately try to erase this person from my dreams and visions and nightmares and stories. It’s pointless. All of it is pointless. He won’t go away. Nothing I’ve done will make it go away. I just have to live with the pain forever.

This is a fucking nightmare.

Pass me the ganja. I’m over it. I’m done. No more dreams or nightmares or visions, ever. I’m so tired…

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UPDATE: I tried to go to the Aerial class this morning. I just couldn’t do it. I just collapsed into a mess on sadness. I just got up and left and went to go cry. It didn’t release the pain. I tried meditating. That made it worse.

I played through the entire movie in my head. I visualized killing him a thousand ways. He just regenerated every time and kept getting stronger. Then he walked through the fire straight at me and I was like, “Oh fuck this.”

I tried visualizing the cord cutting. I said, “I release you. Go, be happy. Be with your family. Live your life. Be free, little bird. I want you to be free. You should be free. So go. Go be free. You’re not welcome here anymore.”

For a brief moment, the connection was severed and I felt relief. Then I saw a thousand cords coming right back at me and bind me up. Now I’m the one who is held captive in the attic with the duct tape over my mouth.

I just kept repeating, please go away. Please go away. You’re hurting me. You’re hurting them. Please just go away.

But he wouldn’t. He just held me and wouldn’t let me go. I was begging him to let me go and he wouldn’t let me go.

So I just woke myself back up and went out for a cigarette. Now I just feel so defeated. I feel so low. I’m so sad right now. I tried everything I could think of and he won’t go away. He won’t leave me alone. I don’t understand why. This isn’t right. It’s wrong. I know it’s wrong. I’ve always known it was wrong. I did everything I could to avoid him. I literally ran away when I would see him. Like I would just straight up turn round and run away.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I just want it to go away. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s just destroying me. Please just go away. Please let me go. Please just go away.