Friday. 4:30am. Got back to the shala a little after 8pm and immediately fell asleep. Woke up about 1am and now I can’t go back to sleep. Sucks. I’ve already tried smoking a cigarette, taking a shower, and going for a walk around the shala. Hoping writing will work so I can at least get a 2hr nap in before another exhaustingly long day of class.
My day off was quite nice. I just sat by the pool alone and did nothing. Ate lunch, chilled all day, had dinner after the sun set, went home. Got mad about the exchange rate again because it feels gross and exploitive to see all the locals living in poverty while westerners treat their land like their own personal playground. It’s definitely giving White Lotus vibes.
Fuck colonialism. It sucks.
Had to take a scooter back. I am terrified of getting on the scooters, but walking is just not a realistic option here. It drives me crazy because I prefer to walk everywhere.
I love this place. It’s so beautiful. But the problems are right in my face and it makes it difficult to enjoy the experience. I guess the only solution is to give my anger to the rainforest. It just sucks it right up. I look out over the forest and appreciate the beauty of the natural world. Everything seems to disappear into a sea of green.
Hmm… looks like I was right about the writing making me want to sleep. Going to lie back down now. Have a good night.
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7:10am. Woke up and got out of bed for no reason at all after approximately 30 minutes of sleep. I don’t have my Sound Bath exam until 2:30pm and I’m supposed to spend the whole day prepping for it. I don’t need to do that. I already did it on Wednesday night. So I’ll probably just work on my written exam. But first, I’m finishing this coffee and taking another nap.
I had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was back in Bangkok at a bar and some crazy guy in a berserker rage came in and tried to kill me. I escaped and ran to another bar, where two Chinese guys showed up and robbed everyone but me. They said I could keep my money because they’re Hongkongers and they heard me standing up for them against the South Africans while surveilling my phone. Okay, great, now I know I’m safe from the Triads, I guess???
Then I was running away trying to find safety so the crazy guy wouldn’t kill me and ran into a co-worked from Borders. That was almost 20 years ago, but okay. Strange. I guess I wasn’t surprised to see her living in Thailand? Seems on brand.
Then I ran into a bar that reminded me of Cleo’s trying to find safety and this chick from Verm showed up to fuck up my dream even more. She was reporting to me on what’s going on with Andrew. I was like… I almost just got robbed and murdered and you think I care that he got a new cat that looks just like mine? Typical. So on-brand with the DrAmA.
There was some other weirdness in there. Nothing out of the ordinary for him. Wah wah wah, such a beautiful life and family, yet sooooo unhappy with it all. Snoozefest! I saw him tied up in an attic with duct tape over his mouth. Sad.
I guess I’m just over it. I’ve been over it. For years I’ve been over it. It just doesn’t go away. He always does this to me. He’ll appear in my visions and give me this little scrap of hope, and then a few days later he drops a giant bomb on me like “I’m having another baby!” And it’s just like… this is why I tried to use witchcraft in New Orleans to sever our connection. Too many ups and downs. It’s like riding an emotional roller coaster. I don’t understand why I can’t break this connection. I just want to meet someone who doesn’t totally fucking suck and build a new life and move on from all of this shittiness forever.
Anyway, now you understand why I don’t like to dream. I have the weirdest dreams. They’re either nightmares or creepily accurate visions of the future that eventually manifest in reality. Or they are about whatever is going on with Andrew in his life at the moment. I do not enjoy any of these experiences. This is why I like to smoke weed. It stops me from dreaming.
This is how I know he sold Bloody Mary’s six months before everyone else did. I dreamed it. And then it happened and I was like… I really do have the gift of foresight. I also dreamed about giving the eulogy at my dad’s funeral, and other various things over the years that have come to pass. It is what it is. Like I said, I don’t enjoy the experience. It usually scares the shit out of me. I would rather not know what’s going to happen before it happens. It’s a curse.
Anyway, yeah, thanks for the update on the drama, I guess? Now I definitely don’t want to go back to sleep, but I probably will because my body needs the rest. I’m so tired right now. I definitely want to go back to sleep. I think I will do that. I just hope I don’t dream about Andrew again.
I don’t understand why I can’t have a useful prophetic vision about something positive, like manifesting a new job or getting into grad school or meeting a man who isn’t a complete fucking psycho? Nope. It’s just “you’re going to lose your job” or “this person isn’t your friend” or “someone you love is going to die.” It’s shitty and it sucks and I’m over it.
Back to the bat cave now. I’m sending the weirdness out into the rainforest for it to harvest the energy. Please send me something good back for once. Please? Thank you.