Tuesday night???

I have no concept of what day of the week it is anymore. This is why I always start my posts with the day of the week. Sometimes I literally have to check because I have no idea otherwise.

Every day I wake up in my cave, wander out into the rainforest, and spend the day doing yoga. I couldn’t ask for anything more in life. What a beautiful place. I still can’t believe I’m here. What an amazing opportunity.

Today was a difficult day. I’m on my Moon so it was basically a long day of pain and anguish. Definitely fell asleep during break and missed a class. My teacher came in and checked on me to make sure I ate something and drank lots of water. She had the hot water bottle ready to go! They treat the Moon Cycle very differently over here. In the West, we think of it as something to be ashamed of. It’s something dirty and gross. Here it’s just like… let it flow. It’s okay. Take care of yourself during this time. This is your body’s natural cleansing process. It’s refreshing.

I am learning new ways to take care of my body that I didn’t know before. This is especially valuable to me because my symptoms can get pretty bad. I will just have these crazy, next-level meltdowns like you’ve never even seen in your life, followed up by the most debilitating pain that just takes me out of commission for a full day. I managed to get back to class today, but only because I followed my teacher’s advice in how to care for myself. No one ever taught me any of this before. They just screamed at me that I was disgusting, threw a box of pads at me, and told me I was on my own.

Ended up deep in meditation for awhile. Andrew came to me during meditation. It was very intense. He was very annoyed that I kept calling him Andrew. He was like, “I’m not a fictional character. I’m a real person, I’m in love with you, and my name is [redacted].”

And I’m just like, “Nope.” I plug up my ears and go, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU! YOU ARE NOT REAL AND YOUR NAME IS NOT [REDACTED]! YOU ARE MY ANDREW AND I LOVE YOU AND WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER SO STOP INVADING MY MEDIATION TIME LIKE THIS! I AM NOT A CRAZY PERSON!”

Right.

So then it got better, because during the meditation he said he named one of his daughters’ Barbies after me. He says she has to change her outfits seven times a day and drives around in her Jeep singing at the top of her lungs.

I guess that could be perceived as weird, but it’s not to me. Then again, I got so stressed out shopping at the IKEA in Hong Kong that I grabbed a stuffed golden retriever puppy from the pile of stuffies and named it Andrew. It’s now my emotional support stuffed animal for my airport anxiety. So, same same, I guess?

I just sat up and I was like, “I am an insane person. This isn’t real. This is delusional and deranged. I’m just going to pretend whatever this is isn’t real and isn’t happening and hasn’t been going on for over a decade. I literally don’t even know this guy. I don’t know him. I don’t. I swear to you, I don’t. I don’t even look him up on the internet. That’s how much I’m determined to pretend that he’s not real. Like, the information is out there, but I don’t seek it because I don’t want to know! He can’t be real, okay? He’s just not.”

Ugh, but deep down I know it’s real and I’m like…. Nooooo!

So then I explained this insanity to some of my new yogi friends and they were rooting for it? Like, why? Why are you rooting for me to wreck someone’s family when I’m literally on the opposite side of the planet literally doing everything except that?

I don’t know. Idk! Why does everyone I tell this story to keep rooting for it to happen? What do they know that I don’t? What are they seeing that I’m not? I have no idea.

Anyway, I’ve made a decision and that decision is to continue living in denial, specifically so that I can avoid being labeled crazy again. So there. The end!

Hashtag CHOICES!!!!

Healthy life choices. Write multiple books about someone you’ve spoken to three times and can never be with. Blow up your entire life back home, Run away to India and marry a stranger on a beach in Goa. Get a job in Hong Kong that doesn’t work out. Bang cock in Bangkok. Hide away in a rainforest cave in Bali and only emerge to do yoga. Choices. Amazing life choices. I am full of them and I am making increasingly interesting ones every single day.

Oh jeez.

This is so crazy. Oh Andrew… I told him I know that’s not his name. It’s like a term of endearment now. My Andrew. Like sweetheart or darling or honey or baby. Whatever you prefer. He’s just My Andrew. Like my Muse.

Anyway, I just want you to know I tried literal old world witchcraft in New Orleans to cut ties with him and now, here we are, five years later, and he’s appearing in my dreams and meditations.

I have for sure lost it this time. I know it. This is not real. This is crazy. I am crazy. I know it now for sure.

Anyway, I have to teach a class tomorrow and I still don’t know my meridians, so I’m going to bed.

Have a good night!