Friday morning. Last full day in Bangkok. I got invited to a birthday party tonight for the owner of the dispensary I frequent. So now I can choose between going to that event or making my flight on time. Hmm… gee, I wonder…
I invited the British guy to go with me, but he politely declined. He said he’s looking for a “local girlfriend” so he didn’t want to get too deeply involved with me, lol. Wow! Honest! Straightforward AF! So refreshing! I love it!
It’s okay. Really! He said I was special to him because I’m the first American he’s shagged (out of his 100+ conquests, btw) and he’s always wanted to shag an American! And you know, he’s special to me because he’s the first Brit I shagged. “Same Same,” as we say here in SEA. So we’re both special to each other, but not quite special enough. You know, special enough to mount up on the wall and admire along with the rest of our trophies, but not special enough to go back out on safari together again. Right. Got it.
See? So there you have it. This is why it only took us an hour to go home together. We’re on the same page. When you know what you want, you know what you want. I wanted to shag a Brit, he wanted to shag an American, so we came back here and shagged all night. Now I want to go do yoga in Bali and he wants to find a cute Thai girl to massage his feet and cook him dinner every night. It is what it is.
The End.
Isn’t consent so great? I love communicating. “This is what I want. Give it to me now. No, don’t do that. I don’t want that. I want this instead.” Amazing. Life-changing, really. I used to just lie back and think of England while these dudes used my body however they saw fit. Now I’m the one giving the orders. It’s pretty awesome. I love being 36. Finally, I am in control of my own life and destiny. No one else is calling the shots but me. If I want to fuck a hot British guy with a degree in the Classics who is going to quote Plato’s Symposium to me while we’re doing it, then that’s what I’m gonna do.
I wish I had done this when I was 26. Alas. Oh well, better late than never.
I appreciate the fact that neither of these guys have just straight-up ghosted me so far. Both of them have written me cute little notes saying they had a great time and wishing me the best of luck in life. So nice! I like to write my guys little notes too. I’m just not used to getting any kind of response. So I will write to them saying I had a good time and blah blah blah and they write back and it’s very nice. Classy. Definitely an upgrade from my previous not-so-gentleman callers. It really is the little things in life.
At least now we have solved the mystery of why that Emirati guy’s words were stuck in my head for the last three months. “You must be a lioness.” Well, bitch, guess what? Here I am. I am the Lioness. Hear me Roar!
I appreciate the metaphor more as the days continue on. Lions are fun animals to study. All the women and children hang out together in a group. They only let the males come around when they’re horny, basically. You never see the males otherwise. At any given time, you might see a maximum of three adult male lions hanging around a pride of 20-30, but that’s it. They come and they go and the women basically do all the hunting, all the child rearing, everything while the male lions are off fucking around like they’re The Ghost and The Darkness.
Nature. It is what it is. I could go on about it all day. Humans like to think we are different and special, but we’re not. Not even a little bit. I’ve met so many people in my life who are, for lack of a better term, just a bunch of big, dumb monkeys that don’t really do a whole lot of thinking about anything at all. It is what it is.
Now my troll is going to get in my comments with a screenshot and be like, “Why do you hate monkeys so much?! How dare you GENERALIZE about monkeys! You didn’t even bother to differentiate between monkeys and the Great Apes! Just because they’re all Primates doesn’t make them the SAME! That makes you a RACIST! I’m going to post these screenshots all over the artist formally known as Twitter and RUIN YOUR LIFE! I HAVE SPENT YEARS OF MY LIFE STALKING YOU ACROSS THE INTERNET, TAKING SCREENSHOTS OF EVERYTHING YOU POST, AND COMPILING IT INTO A MANUSCRIPT SO I CAN SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU TALK TO EVER TO LET THEM KNOW HOW CRAZY, DELUSIONAL, DERANGED, AND UNHINGED YOU REALLY ARE! I’M GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE!!!!! BAHHHHHHHHHHHH! TAKE ME SERIOUSLY! GIVE ME ATTENTION! BLAH!”
Tell me, Troll, have you ever considered yoga? I think it would really benefit you. You know what else might work for you? Getting laid. Maybe book a flight to Bangkok, go to Nana Plaza, pay some random girl to rub your feet for you, and yeah, you’ll probably feel so much better after that. I mean, let’s be real here. We both know someone like you has to pay for those types of services. You don’t really strike me as the type to be able to walk into a bar and pick up the next hottie with a body that walks in. What can I say? We can’t all have that Sexy Scorpio vibe. Don’t hate the player, hate the game!
A+ for effort, Troll. Thank you for following me all the way to the other side of the world. I really hope I’m not disappointing you right now. I hope I’m giving you so much material to ruin my life with. I can just see this guy typing away furiously online like, “Ugh, one time, she had a totally consensual one-night stand with a random British guy who she actually talked to and communicated with. They both had a good time then went their separate ways. Isn’t that SO CRAZY and DELUSIONAL and UNHINGED?! What a PREDATOR!”
Like, no, bro. No it’s not. It’s called being an adult. But sure, whatever. Keep trying to push your narrative of what you think my life story is even though you are literally not me. Meanwhile I’m sitting over here just like, “Who is this crazy person? It seems like they need help. It’s too bad there’s such an intense stigma around mental healthcare because this person seems like they need it. Sad!”
Well, I’m sure this troll is very happy to know they get to live rent free in my head. Lucky them. It’s funny. I get called everything under the sun just for keeping a public diary of the daily events in my life. How terrible? I’m such an awful person for not shutting the fuck up when told and not staying silent and continuing to put myself out there even when everyone is screaming “Shut up! No one cares!”
Well, obviously, someone cares because my blog never stops getting traffic. Ever. Even when it’s dead and there’s nothing here. There is at least one person who checks it every single day. It’s probably this troll. So here they are screaming in my face to shut up and stop writing and stop making my personal diary about me, but oh, if I write about other people, that’s even worse, and why do I think anyone cares after spending almost 10 years collecting data on Google Analytics proving the audience is there, and yet… here they are, still checking in, still hating, still giving me energy.
Hmm, whatever. If my dad was alive, he would be like, “Some people are the John Lennons of the world and some people are crazy, unhinged losers who want to destroy them.” I think my dad always secretly hoped/believed I would become John Lennon someday. I hate knowing I disappointed him so deeply. He really believed deep down I was some kind of tortured genius with a brilliant artistic gift I couldn’t see in myself. Turns out I’m just a hot mess of a person who keeps a public diary on the internet for any sad old loser off the street to project their unhappiness onto. Sorry, dad. I don’t know how to be anything else other than exactly what I am.
That’s why I can’t keep a job. Everyone wants me to be somebody I don’t want to be. I don’t want to lie or cheat or steal or give up my happiness for some shit job that will throw me out on the street tomorrow. I don’t want to be the kind of person that walks around the office looking for people who are doing something “wrong” so I can fire them and take away their livelihood. I don’t want to be a morally corrupt asshole who hurts other people so I can feel like I won something or so I can make more money. If not wanting to be a deplorable piece of backstabbing, two-faced, ignorant, evil trash makes me an undesirable job candidate, than that’s not the kind of place I want to be.
Speaking of being a piece of shit, I haven’t heard from my troll again. Hilarious. What a coward. Come out from behind the mask, bro. Show us who you are. You think you have the power to ruin my life? Okay. Then show yourself. Take off the mask. Let me meet my maker. Show me your face, tell me your name, and give me the pile of documents you think you “have” on me. Let’s see what you’ve got. Come on, don’t be scared now. I promise I don’t bite, but you know, I am a scorpion, and it is in my nature to sting, sooo…. Watch out for that tail!
Off now. I need to go mentally prepare to go to Indonesia and do yoga for 22 days straight. What can I say? It’s not for everyone. Some of us strive to be better than we were yesterday, and some of us follow around people like me on the internet, screenshotting everything we say and do, desperately trying to win back some sense of control in a world that is rapidly leaving them behind every day. Why focus on building up yourself when you can just tear someone else down?
Have a lovely day, everyone! Thank you for reading my blog and supporting me on this crazy journey through life.
*still singing along to her British Invasion playlist*
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be,
There will be an answer, let it be,
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be…