Monday morning. 6am. Bright and early. I’ve been awake for some time already. So many thoughts jumbling around in my head. So many thoughts. What would the Buddha do? Sit under a tree and just vibe.
My interview is in 23 hours. I’m not nervous. It’s just the recruiter. I know what I’m doing. Sort of. Perhaps it is a misguided attempt to find purpose, value, and meaning in a world that is literally on fire, but at least it’s something? I don’t know. I’ve only been re-reading the pamphlet over and over for 20 years. I’m sure I’ll be fine when I finally reach out and talk to someone.
I did a vomit draft of my essay on Friday, but I took a break from it all weekend. I will look at it later today and fix it up. I will be confident in myself and my own set of unique life experiences. I don’t have to compare myself to others. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m just very chill about it. Like, no I don’t have three pages of extracurricular activities and volunteer experience on my resume, but I also won’t have a screaming meltdown because I have to shower with a bucket and can’t handle being far away from my (non-existent) family. I’m young, I’m able-bodied, I want to serve my country in a meaningful way that preserves peace and diplomacy and some sense of dignity, take me or I’ll find a way to sneak onto that warship a la Martha Gellhorn and get the story out into the world anyway.
I’m not a failure. I’ve managed to accomplish so many things in spite of all of the ridiculous people and situations I’ve encountered. I’ll be okay. It’s not the end of the world. It’s one tiny step in a much larger process.
I need to go find a park today and just sit there and clear my mind. Too much. There’s too much jumbled up in it. So many unrealized dreams, goals, plans. So many bad memories still haunting me. The grief of losing my family to chaos and dysfunction I can’t fix. All the leftover anger, grief, and pain. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still there.
Questions. So many questions. So many fuck-ups and mistakes playing on repeat in my head.
I wish I could just start over fresh and build something new, something real, something strong.
I feel sometimes I am very misguided and naive, but at least I am out here doing it.
Went back to sleep after writing for a bit earlier. Now I’m awake and gearing up to do laundry. I am so dumb. I set aside all my coins and small bills for he laundromat, put them all in my pocket, walked to the coffee shop to buy a coffee and make change for a larger bill, then spent my small bills and coins on the coffee because it was the exact amount. I… what? What did I just do there? Where is my fucking brain? Why did I just add three extra steps to my process for no reason whatsoever?
Ugh.
How is this the same brain I used to use to read multiple books in a week? I’m not even on that TikTok brainrot shit. I’m just an idiot. Straight-up. I blame the years of heavy alcohol consumption to cope with living in South Dakota. Alcohol is the real source of brain rot. Ugh, I just never want to drink it ever again unless it’s a fancy wine with a fancy meal and it’s a whole gastronomic experience.
I need to just go do another yoga teacher training course, cut all that shit out of my life for 23 days straight, and clear my mind. Get my head back on straight. I am free in the world. I made a choice to leave the palace behind and experience the reality of human suffering. I made that choice. I need to accept that choice did not lead me where I expected to go, so now I have to forge a new path again.
Again and again and again.
Okay, well let’s just be positive right now. It took me over a decade of failed escape attempts to finally flee my evil, abusive, controlling family for good. Now I’ve accomplished that goal. Finally. I am away from them now forever. I never have to go back to them or to South Dakota. Ever. Progress has been made!
It’s just like… when I think of all the shit I went through in my life and realize how much of it was the result of my parents’ abusive, controlling natures, the more I understand how I ended up sitting under this tree at a random intersection in Thailand. Like, it took all of this effort just to extract myself from that situation. No wonder I can’t do anything right now. This is literally the safest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I am safe here now, in this cozy little apartment, somewhere in a quiet neighborhood off the beaten path in Bangkok. I’m safe.
What’s wrong with wanting to take a moment to enjoy being safe?
I mean, I could not be safe right now. I mean, look at the Dubai situation, which I am just now finally accepting for what it is. My ex-boyfriend left me there alone and I somehow walked into a situation where I could have been trafficked into sex work. Then I went to Hong Kong, where I was working for an unsafe company with an incredibly well-documented history online of red flags that I completely ignored in my desperation to get away from my family. Then I tried to go back to India, only to learn that my ex is even more of an unsafe person than I initially thought, so that went South fast. Now I’m here, sitting under the tree, comfortable in the knowledge that at least I’m safe… for now. So why would I want to get up and go back out into a world I know is unsafe and unpredictable when I can just sit here under my little tree in the shade where it’s nice and cool?
I get the vibe. Whoever said women can’t become Enlightened clearly just hated women. Maybe they were gay and hiding it? Probably. That seems to explain a lot of the bizarre behavior men display towards each other, and towards women in general. Whatever. You can tell me I can’t do all kinds of things and I’m just gonna go out there and do them anyway.
Special shoutout to all the assholes out there who told me I could never survive a situation where I have to shower with a bucket. You were wrong then and you’re even more wrong now. You know, I would probably hate me too if I was an asshole who couldn’t handle being called out on their shitty behavior. It is what it is.
Yeah, I am going to be more kind to myself. I literally just escaped a 36-year-long prison sentence. I control my life now. I control my future. The choice is mine.
That’s why I have no idea what to do or where to go or how to leave the safety of this space. You know, aside from when I intentionally put myself in unsafe situations by going to bars in foreign countries all alone and starting drinking with pimps and sex workers and gangsters. Totally fine. Sure, person who has been in prison before, please buy me a drink while you go into scary detail about how to assert dominance in that specific setting. Go off, fam. Dump your trauma into my lap. I want to hear about it all.
Yeah, right, because that was definitely the first time in my life I’ve ever gotten drunk with someone who has been to prison. *eye-roll* Please. You wouldn’t even believe some of the characters I used to spend time around in South Dakota. I have become someone who is just here for the weirdness. I want to hear it all. I want to see the shit I watched on TV come to life right in front of my eyes. Like now Ireland is not just the land of my dead ancestors that I only know anything about because I watched “Derry Girls.” I have actually met someone who was there and fought with his life and went to prison for his beliefs and is now on the run from the law. Now it’s real to me. That’s so important. People are so disconnected from each other these days. I love to meet real people and hear their real stories. I don’t want to watch it on TV or see it on social media. I want to connect with real people.
Ugh, I have to go do all my dumb house chores now. I complain but all I have to do is take out the trash and do the laundry because the housekeeper comes once a week to do the real cleaning. I just learned the hard way not to leave a full joint in the ashtray because she dumps it out, lol. Like thanks but I don’t think we need to be that thorough, lol.
Really I’m just annoyed at myself for the coin thing earlier. I have to go make an extra stop at 7-11 and it’s annoying. Like, how am I smart enough to learn multiple languages but dumb enough to pay for a coffee with the change I literally set aside specifically for laundry not even five minutes earlier? Ugh. What is that?
So dumb. At least I admit it to myself. Not very good at this whole “Keeping Face” concept at all, lol. I should do more research on that. Not that I have any Face left to save at this point. Everyone hates me, lol. It’s fine. I like me. I’m okay. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m okay. I just need to learn self-confidence and really develop my sense of self-worth. I can actually do that now that I’m no longer being controlled and abused by my family. I just don’t know how to do that on my own.
Okay, off now. Let’s try to be smarter here, Betsey. Or maybe, you’ll find out you’re having these crazy memory issues because you really have a brain tumor and it manifests as a fictional character named Andrew and seeing the ghost of Mad Dog everywhere and delusions about joining the Peace Corps. I would be fine with that, actually. I’m just tired of the endless suffering without ever really seeming to move forward at all. Sucks to suck. Put me out of my misery already.
Whatever. It is what it is. I guess?