Thursday.
Omg.
Last night was definitely the drunkest I’ve been since I got to SEA. No bueno. It’s because I was hanging out with my Irish relatives. It is what it is.
I am still drunk, I think? I don’t remember how I got home. I got lost at the metro station because they skipped my stop. I think the guard got me a cab home? I don’t remember anything. Whoever it was that got me home definitely took two of my joints as a tip. I must have been really annoying. Or maybe they just prefer weed over cash. Fair enough.
Otherwise it does not appear that I was robbed or anything. I just don’t remember how I got home. I guess it pays to be a pretty girl who looks lost and confused AF sometimes.
I don’t even know. I don’t think I ate dinner last night. I forgot. Ugh. How do you just forget to eat in frigging Thailand? There’s food stands lining the fucking streets!!!!
Let me just say that this is not a pleasant feeling. I don’t care for this. I do not like being hungover. I’m not even hungover yet. I’m still drunk!!! Ugh!!! So not classy at all.
I got on the Grab app to get food just now and typed in “hangover.” They recommended Mexican food, of course. My go-to. They know me so well already even though this is my first ever hangover in Thailand. I just need more of the grease and the cheese and the extra sour cream and guac on the side. Yes please. I love it. Put it all in a bowl and I will eat it right up.
This is not a metaphor, but I guess it still applies, lol.
I’m not fixating. I’m just ordering brunch. Same same?
What can I say? I’m part of the MAMA movement: Make America Mexico Again!
Andrew: You’re fixating. You said you weren’t going to fixate.
Me: I’m not fixating, I’m ordering brunch.
Andrew: Sure, Jan. Whatever. Don’t fixate. He’s not worth it.
Me: It’s true, he’s not. He was very good in bed though. How I do not think about that when I’m practically a nun?
Andrew: Just don’t think about it. Think about me instead.
Me: Again, same problem. The subject of fascination has changed.
Andrew: Yes, but I prefer you to fixate on me. I like it. It strokes my ego.
Me: Right, got it. I need to go throw up now.
Andrew: I’ll hold your hair back, just like I always do.
Me: Ugh, thank you. I feel terrible.
Andrew: Too many Changs for ya?
Me: Too many Changs for me. I’m still seeing pink elephants on parade.
Andrew: That song really does slap, as the kids say.
Me: It really does. I especially like the part in the middle where they randomly go all Indian-Arabian with the flute thing. It’s awesome.
Andrew: Look out, look out, pink elephants on parade, here they come!
Me: Aghhhh!
Andrew: Look out, look out!
Me: This should be your theme song.
Andrew: It already is.
Me: I love it. Are you actually just Lord Ganesha in disguise?
Andrew: I might be.
Me: That would make a lot of sense. It would explain most things, actually.
Andrew: Hmmm, maybe, but I still think I’m the handsome bar owner you fell in love with from afar and never got over even though we’ll never be together IRL.
Me: It’s true. That’s exactly who you are. I still remember the first time I ever saw you. You were wearing a pink shirt and your golden aura was just glowing bright. I was so in love with you that night. It was instant. It just hit me like… woah. I’ve never, ever felt like that about anyone before or since. Now you’re my character forever. I love you.
Andrew: [gets all smiley and glowy] Thank you. I secretly love you too. That’s why I’m here.
Me: I know. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Mad Dog: Alright, alright, enough already! You two are obsessed with each other. I’ve been saying it for years.
Me: We are obsessed with each other. It’s true. That’s why he yells at me. Because he lacks the courage to just pick me up and bang me on the bar.
Andrew: You seem very delicate.
Me: I’m not.
Andrew: Oh, okay.
Mad Dog: Oh knock it off! For cryin’ out loud!
Okay, okay, I’m knocking it off. I’m going to take a Tylenol for my headache and drink some water while I wait for my rice bowl to arrive. Ugh.
Hahahaha Spotify just recommended a playlist based on I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd out of literally nowhere. That’s hilarious. lol! So funny!
Andrew: See, there’s your problem right there. That guy wasn’t enough for you. You need like a week-long sex marathon on an island.
Me: Okay, well you’re the rich guy here, so that’s on you to make that happen. I’m already in Thailand. You just have to get here and we can bang for a week straight. No breaks except for takeout to recharge and refuel.
Andrew: Isn’t that called a freak off?
Me: No, because it’s only us involved. It’s not like a whole party. I’m not really into that. It just seems like a lot of planning and work and preparation. You know me. I don’t like to work. I’m just more old-fashioned about the whole affair, you know.
Andrew: You just want to be banged on the bar. The old-fashioned way.
Me: Exactly.
Andrew: Got it.
Me: Yeah, you just need to get here and I will climb that like a tree. So fast. Record speed.
Andrew: Okay, I’m booking my ticket now.
Me: Haha, great.
Okay I seriously need to go. I’m not feeling well at alllllll!