Monday morning. Bright and early. Sitting out in the park with my coffee. Watching the neighborhood wake up and come to life. Listening to the birds sing. So peaceful and beautiful.

Yesterday I learned a very fun aspect of Thai culture, which is “Save power by sitting in the dark with the fan on.” Sometimes it really is too hot to turn the lights on. It’s better to just use tea lights and a small lamp instead. Kinda vibey, kinda love it.

Finally finished the new season of Ginny & Georgia last night. Ready for another. Why does it take so long to make? That’s the only part that annoys me. Just kidding, I know it has to do with the Writers Strike. Hollywood is not doing well right now. It’s depressing to see.

Like, let’s just destroy everything. Who cares, right? It’s not like anyone in this world still has dreams.

It’s definitely a change not to be using my days to binge-watch TV or drink myself into a stupor. It’s actually surprisingly difficult for me as an individual to acquire alcohol here. It seems like every store has different rules. There are only certain times of the day when they sell it. They don’t sell it at all on specific days, usually holidays. And that’s just at the 7-11. So then I either have to go to a specialty wine store or a large grocery store, which is much further away, and of course they don’t deliver. Then it ends up being very expensive and it’s just not worth it in the end.

So what ended up happening is that I just don’t drink most of the time and hit up the smoothie stands instead. When I do drink, it’s usually one or two beers at my preferred dispensary, which also features a bar where you can sit and drink while they roll your joints for you. Very nice feature, I might add. Unfortunately, this place is no longer close to me, so I have to take the metro to get there.

So that would maybe be once or twice a week, at most. The other times I’ve drank, it’s been with the other expats or when I went to the American place, where I was also eating greasy American comfort food. Adding it up, I’ve actually only been drunk about 3 or 4 times the entire month I’ve been here, which is totally crazy for me to say. It used to be every day, all day. Look how far I’ve come!

I don’t even really want to drink, to be honest with you. It hurts me now that I’m older. Also, I really feel like drinking was a coping mechanism I developed to deal with the fact that I was living in SD and hated every single minute of my life. Now I don’t live there and I don’t hate my life and I don’t have to deal with any of those problems anymore, so why would I need to drink copious amounts of alcohol to numb out pain I don’t feel?

Exactly.

It’s awesome! Of course, having a cannabis prescription helps a lot. it’s crazy how much more functional I am. Every challenge or obstacle that comes up is like… okay. No need to have a meltdown. I got this. And then I can do things like get on the motorcycle or take care of admin.

Of course, job hunting is like… oh my god, what the hell is wrong with me? Why don’t I know how to find a job I don’t totally fucking hate that isn’t going to drain me dry and exploit/abuse me?

I should just go back to school. Hit the refresh button. Do something else. Pick a new career and do the internships and the networking and get into whatever industry and stop listening to all of these assholes who tell me not to do that while they themselves actively do that.

I don’t understand why so many people try to sabotage everything I do, but I’m past that now. I’m not taking advice from people who seem like they just want to cut me down.

Ugh, I have no idea what I’m doing. No idea at all. I’m just lost in Thailand, wandering around like an illiterate moron, making stupid choices all the time. Go me.

So yeah, not binge watching Netflix or rotting in bed or day drinking. Just scrolling through job boards feeling clueless, purposeless, and directionless for hours at a time. Progress.

Well, after having enough of this, I started fixating on that guy again. Couldn’t stand it, so I was like… I need to come up with a plan to scare him away so he won’t be distracting me like this anymore. You know, because we talked again, and it was too friendly and comfortable, and it’s annoying. I’m never going to see him again. I don’t want to obsess or fixate on another person who isn’t real. It’s not healthy for me.

So I was like, “I know what I’ll do. I’ll write him a really long message honestly expressing my thoughts and feelings so that he will get freaked out and block me and disappear into the void forever. Men hate that shit. They think it’s crazy when women express their thoughts and feelings. Surely he will run off screaming into the night if I write him this novel right now.”

So I did that last night right before I went to bed. Then I left the phone to charge in other room on silent and fell asleep. Yesterday was just starting for him when I sent it, so I gave him a full day to be like, “WTF this bitch is crazy” and block me.

Unfortunately, when I woke up, I saw he had not blocked me, and I got annoyed again. Why are you not following this script? This is a tried and true method for scaring men away from me. Literally all I have to do is write anything down that I’m thinking in my head and they will run away.

I don’t get it. I was so confident it would work. Ugh, this is the problem with hubris. Just when you think you’ve got the system beat, it throws you for a loop. Ugh.

Well, honestly, who isn’t crazy these days? Really. Who doesn’t have a suitcase full of baggage they’re lugging around, hoping to find someone who will help them carry it? I guess I’m just sick of dealing with fake people who want to pretend everything is perfect all the time. I like mess.

You know, maybe he had a busy day and he hasn’t read it yet and now that it’s nighttime he’s finally reading it and being like, “Omg this bitch is crazy. Block, block, block and delete. Goodbye, messy girl I met in Thailand!”

Actually, this has been a fun writing exercise for me. Specifically because I accidentally summoned the characters of Andrew and Mad Dog as I was writing it. This is hard to explain, but they still appear to me all the time. I mean, Mad Dog makes sense but Andrew is sooooo complicated, so it’s hard for me to be like, “Yeah, actually, he’s my favourite character and I still write stories about him all the time, to this very day. I just don’t show them to anyone anymore because I got really tired of people calling me crazy because they don’t understand the artistic concept of a Muse.”

Anyway, the story was funny. It’s like they’re the little shoulder angel and devil, but I’m not really sure which is which?

Andrew: What are you doing?

Me: I’m writing to this guy. I have to make him go away.

Andrew: Why do you have to make him go away?

Me: Because I’m not cool with the casual nature of this encounter. I am not a chill, cool girl. I am freaking the fuck out. I am fixating. I am obsessing. I am not going to see this person ever again. I do not want to have feelings for someone I’m never going to see again. And anyway, these feelings are not even real. It’s just the chemicals from the sex making me think I like this person when in reality they are a stranger who I am never going to see again. I have to make him go away.

Andrew: Okay, and how are you going to do that?

Me: I wrote him this crazy message explaining how I feel.

Andrew: [snatches phone away] Give me that. [reads through message with a variety of highly exaggerated facial expressions] Are you kidding me right now? You think THIS is gonna make this guy run for the hills?

Me: [innocently] What… what do you mean? I thought for sure it would work. It’s an honest expression of what’s in my head right now. Men always run away from that shit. Always.

Andrew: [shakes head in disbelief] I don’t know about that one, Betsey. I don’t think we’re reading the same message.

Me: Uhhh…. What?

Mad Dog: [pops in out of nowhere] Fifty bucks says he runs.

Andrew: [immediately takes out wallet and casually tosses a hundred on the bar] I’ll take that bet. $100 says he’s into it.

Mad Dog: A hundred and fifty!

Andrew: Two hundred!

Mad Dog: Three hundred.

Andrew: Five hundred.

Me: Wait a second, is this money for me? Because that’s a full month’s rent payment and I need that.

Andrew: We’ll see.

Mad Dog: You don’t need it! You’re rich!

Andrew: You’re right. Okay, the money goes to Betsey no matter what.

Me: Great.

——

So yeah, it’s like that.

Awww… I missed writing about them. Just writing that little script… aww… I actually almost missed Bloody Mary’s for a moment. This is exactly why I hate South Dakota and I hate Bloody Mary’s and I hate all of those stupid fucking idiots who dragged me into their dumb townie soap opera drama. You just don’t understand me. Writing is my raison d’être. I’m not crazy because I met two people I liked enough to turn into characters. I just hate them for turning something that brought me so much joy into something so tragic and toxic and difficult.

Ugh.

Anyway, that part is over now. I still have my little characters. they make me happy. It’s nice to see them again. I just know both of them would love it here in Thailand. I see Mad Dog’s ghost here all the time. I’ve been writing a story about it in my head. I should write it down on paper.

I’m just afraid. I’m afraid to write about Bloody Mary’s again. I’m afraid of the Baby Reindeer coming back to haunt me. I wish he could understand. I thought he understood. I thought that’s why he became my Muse. Why would his character still be here if he doesn’t understand? It’s not like the other characters still hang around like he does. I don’t know. Andrew is very special to me. I really tried to get rid of him but he just never went away. I accept it now. I’m just afraid to express that again because I know that people think it’s strange. I mean, it’s not like I think it’s normal either. I know it’s not normal. Why do you think I’m trying to get rid of this Rare Pokemon now before he turns into another Andrew? I know that it’s bad and wrong and all it does is hurt me even more. I don’t know how to turn it off.

Hmm. Well maybe when he gets on my Instagram to block me, he’ll see my website and have a moment of doubt. Then he’ll get on here and read about himself and then he’ll be like, “Omg yes, this bitch is definitely 100% crazy. Block here immediately.” And then he will be gone.

I guess the real question is, “Do I actually want him gone?” No, I don’t. I prefer the opposite, which is for him to be standing here in front of me right now so I can bang him like seventeen more times. But that will not happen. He is gone now. So I need to shut off this water fountain right now otherwise it’s going to overflow and flood the entire city Hurricane Katrina-style. I just got this mess cleaned up. I can’t have it all destroyed again.

This is why I have to be celibate. I can’t have relationships or casual encounters or even prolonged eye-contact from across the bar. it just turns into a mess every single time. I’m just so tired of cleaning up the mess. I’m old and I’m tired and I just don’t want to deal with men at all anymore specifically because of the emotional trainwreck I become. Over nothing at all, really. It’s insane.

Okay, I feel very discombobulated right now. I need to go back to my apartment and lie down on my yoga mat and just chill out and find my inner peace again. There is no inner peace today. Just mess. Mess, mess, mess, and more mess.

Hurray for mess!