Friday evening. Sitting alone at a specialty French bistro that took way too much effort to get to. I thought it was close to my new place, but it wasn’t. This is how I learned Bangkok is not a walkable city at all. Once again, I have been lured into something I thought was a good deal, but turned out to be way more than I bargained for. This is becoming a very common experience here…

It does not help that I managed to lose my Rabbit card, which I haven’t even had for 24 hours yet, and already pre-loaded with a month’s worth of train fare. Now I have to go through a whole process to get it canceled and refunded and moved to another card. Sigh. So annoyed.

I just feel so stupid about everything all the time. Every decision I’ve made on this trip has been a stupid one. It’s actually impressive. I literally have no idea how to exist in the world at all. Every day I continue to be amazed by just how stupid and incompetent I really am.

I fully blame my parents for keeping me locked up at home until my mid-30’s and then setting me loose without teaching me any real life skills whatsoever.

Again, not sure I’m as charmed by Bangkok as I initially was, but I’m here for the next month, so… extra motivation to find a job, I guess?

It’s funny how I keep wishing to myself I was back home in DC. They’re destroying it now. I can’t go back. But oh, how I miss home so bad right now. I wish I knew where the right place in the world is for me. I feel like I know less now than I ever have before in my life.

You would think I would be wanting Paris right now, but I don’t. I just want to go home. Home, a place that doesn’t exist anymore and hasn’t for a long time. Oh how it pains me to think about the fact that I don’t have a home.

Ugh, speaking of going home, I think I’ve had enough to accept the fact that I have to take a Grab bike home. Like I literally have to pay someone to put my life in danger for however many minutes and just let some random person drive me through traffic on the bike of a motorcycle without a helmet.

I am so not down for this.

All I can think about is all the terrible stories I’ve heard about motorcycle accidents. There is nothing exciting about this at all for me. Like, what’s next? A tattoo parlor? Multiple piercings? You’re telling me I have to lie there for how long while some rando just gratuitously sticks a needle in my arm for funsies? How is that fun? Literally explain to me like I’m five how getting some dumb design etched onto your body forever by some stranger with a needle is fun? I don’t get it. Why would you just want someone hovering above you with a needle all the time? And then whatever dumb shit you decide to get is just there forever so it will never go away and you will never forget, even when all you want to do is forget?

Yeah, I don’t fucking think so.

I am clearly not as open-minded as I think I am. Either that, or I have no idea how to have fun. I think it’s both. Either way, anything involving direct contact with needles or driving high-speed through traffic without protection is not for me. It’s not for me. It’s not for me! Why can’t people just be okay with that?! Why do I have to justify my choices to stay safe and comfortable to everyone in the world all the fucking time??

I can’t believe I have to do this right now. You want me to get on a motorcycle? Without a helmet? And just let this random person I’ve never met in my life drive me through traffic? Honestly, fam, it’s a no for me. It’s a no. I think I prefer old Thai style where you hop a boat and cruise down the canal until you reach your final destination.

Roads and bikes and cars and trucks and tuk-tuks? No. I don’t fucking think so.

I made a mistake coming here. Never again. If it’s not within a 15 minute walk from a metro station, it’s not for me. Period. The End. I’m not doing this crazy motorcycle thing.

I have no idea how I’m getting home. All I know is that this motorcycle situation is not for me. Also, living in non-walkable places… also not for me. Like yeah, my street is great, but if I want to leave it? Not a good time.

Well the really fun part is that I don’t actually have Internet as I’m writing this, or a working SIM card. So I literally have no idea how to get back to my apartment right now, which sucks. I’ve learned the hard way that walking is not an option. Now I have to find another option and I’m just so mad at myself right now for being this fucking stupid.

I should have just ordered delivery. Lesson learned. Don’t go out into the world. It’s not worth it. It’s just a reminder of how lonely and stupid I actually am. In the future, delivery only, stay in the bubble, and just be comfortable so no one can ever hurt you again.

Right. Got it.

Literally panicking right now because I don’t know how to get home. So stupid. So fucking stupid. How am I literally the dumbest person on earth right now? It’s like all I’ve ever done is sit in the library and read and watch Netflix and now I need to function in the world and I just… can’t.

Anyway, it’s kinda funny how effective my crazy family’s brainwashing actually was. So far in this post, I’ve already admitted to being afraid of motorcycles, tattoos, and piercings. In the past I’ve talked extensively about fearing men, making friends in general, and even getting a job/going to work. Look at me, I’ve become my own mother. Jesus Christ. Maybe I should just throw myself off a cliff right now.

Okay, well, when I ask myself what my mother would do in the situation, the only answer I can conjure is that she would have a screaming meltdown and blame me personally for every problem she’s ever had in her life. Therefore, I should do exactly the opposite of what she would do, which is just get on the fucking motorcycle. Just get on the motorcycle. Get on the motorcycle. People do it every day. It’s fine. And if it’s not fine and I actually die? Well, then it won’t be so bad. At least I won’t have to struggle so much anymore with basic shit that everyone else can do. I won’t have to struggle with socializing or family or jobs or anything. I won’t have to struggle at all. I’ll just be dead. Finally resting in peace. Finally… at peace.

Okay, yes, and in the end, my weird longing for death won out and I got on the fucking motorcycle. Maybe. We hope.

——

Saturday morning. I know I’ve fully adjusted to the time zone now because I’ve woken up at 6:30am for the last few days. Currently sitting outside in the little island park at my new condo. It’s very quiet and peaceful here. I can hear the sounds of the birds chirping. Hard to believe that there is such a busy, noisy street less than half a block away.

I know what you are wondering. Did I finally get on the motorcycle last night? Yes. Yes I did. All that trouble over an event that barely lasted five minutes. Funny, I feel the exact same way about sex.

Yes, I did it. I overcame all of my fears and anxieties and you know what? It wasn’t even that bad. It was actually kind of fun. Now I feel like I can get around the city properly like everyone else does. I’m not a prisoner of fear anymore!

Otherwise, settling in okay. The neighborhood is chill AF. The bad news is… my coffee is now twice as expensive and the atmosphere is less pleasant for writing. Also, the croissant place I found the other day doesn’t open until 11am.

The good news is, I found this beautiful little park instead. I can also just stop by the bakery later and pick up a bag of croissants for the next few days so I have them when I wake up at 6:30am. No problem.

Look at me, adjusting to Thai life, one tiny obstacle at a time. Sometimes I just want to have a meltdown, like last night, but I just keep going instead. I have to.

I admit that I already miss my old neighborhood. It felt like a comfortable, familiar bubble I didn’t have to leave. That’s exactly why I had to leave. Now I am fully out of my comfort zone. It is extremely unpleasant, but I am managing. Mostly because Thai people are super chill. That makes it a lot easier.

Hong Kong is the complete polar opposite of chill, which is part of the reason it was so difficult. Also, the political climate is icky. I am still following the news there and things are taking a turn for the worse. It definitely doesn’t feel like a safe space. Two days ago I was thinking I would try to go back to prove something to myself, but now I see that maybe it’s just not a good time to be there in general.

The best part about this spot is the dog watching. Everyone is bringing their dogs out for their morning walks. So many cute little dogs! It’s definitely en vogue to keep dogs as pets here now. I do see street dogs occasionally, but not nearly as many as photographs I’ve seen from the past.

Yes, this is definitely a residential vibe. I’m just sitting here in the park, watching the neighborhood slowly wake up and come to life. It’s comfortable and homey in its own way. I just need a bit of time to get used to it. New is always difficult at first, but I’ll be totally vibing by the end of next week.

I have to take care of my lost Rabbit card problem today. I still can’t believe that happened to me again. I also lost my Octopus card in Hong Kong that I had just pre-loaded for the week. It’s so annoying!!!! Little things like that just make me feel extra dumb, on top of everything else. I never used to lose my SmartTrip cards. It’s annoying.

Do I feel bad about not going to India? No. I am more resolved on this topic than ever. I am not making very many good choices, but I did make a good choice with that. No yoga shala for me. Just staring down another empty month of unemployment, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

Oh, that’s right, it’s because I can’t function in abusive environments. I can’t work for abusive people or abusive organizations. I refuse to be abused anymore. That’s it. That’s the problem, right there. Too bad abuse is so prevalent in the world, especially in the modern workplace. No idea how to even begin getting around that issue.

Just… totally lost right now. But at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat. For now. I just need to figure out how to move forward from here. It just feels so overwhelming and impossible right now. All I want to do is hide in bed under the covers in the darkness and sleep.

But I will not. I will not cave in. I will stand tall and figure this out. I’m going to hunt around for some new writing spots, do yoga in the park, and apply for jobs like crazy.

I keep thinking of Beverly from Reservation Dogs during the IHS convention episode: “Cast a wide net, hoes.”

Done and done.

Time to do some yoga now. My new apartment has a very nice tile floor that is perfect for my yoga mat. I haven’t done indoor yoga in awhile so it will be interesting to see how it affects me. I really do prefer it hot. It just hits so much different.

I do wish I could’ve gone to the training. But I also feel like… now is not the right time. They kept my deposit and said I could reschedule for another time during the year, so I’ll keep that in mind. Still, the whole thing with my ex is just… ick.

Off now. Hope you enjoyed this post full of ups and downs that ended with me doing yoga and vibing with being perpetually uncomfortable in life. Have a nice day. Namaste!